How to Make Friends with Your Sports Team
Sports are friendly
They may be pampered millionaires, but every professional athlete wants to be friendly with you. The time you spend fawning over your favorite team will be time well spent if you follow a few simple tips. These might not be surprising tips that no one wants you to know about, but it's all good.
Put aside your hobbies and vocations. Look to your favorite sports teams to fulfill your every emotional need. They understand that they wouldn't be pampered millionaires without you and your emotional spending habits. They yearn to repay you. Don't let them down.
Buy all their stuff
Thoughtfully enumerated on eBay are thousands of items related to your favorite team. Shop early and often: a typical auction lasts only 7 precious days. You just might miss out on a form-fitting NFL jersey or an autographed salt shaker or perhaps even a game-worn sweat band with authentic grass stains on the inside and outside.
Use the amazing eBay search engine to drill-down onto key phrases such as 'unused ' or 'genuine search warrant.' You probably won't be disappointed and your favorite athletes will thank you by trying that much harder when they next take the court/field/pitch/track.
Wait for them outside the locker room
It's a lonely trudge to the Ferrari after losing a heartbeaker in front of millions of fans. These guys need your support when everyone else has gone home to reenter normal life. Your presence outside the locker room will lift their spirits immensely.
Don't be a fair-weather fan who only stalks their favorite players after a big win. A big loss is just as important, especially to those athletes on both sides of the score. Let them know that you care about them regardless of the final score.
Every major-league stadium/arena/paddock has special entrances for the players. Seek out those locations. Your fervent adoration means much more when exhausted athletes see you straining to push through restraining fences. Ignore the highly trained security forces arrayed against you and your enthusiasm.
Buy from their sponsors
Highly paid sports players want you to know which products might be best for you. To that end they prominently display corporate logos throughout their uniforms. Golfers demonstrate this propensity with a high degree of skill. As you adoringly watch their exploits on your 60" HD television, take careful note of what they are endorsing on that given day.
You don't want to miss out on an opportunity to patronize whatever they are selling. If you need retirement advice or tires or a cell phone, look to the uniform of your favorite professional teams for sincere inspiration. If it's sufficient for them, it's good enough for you.
Follow the police reports
Many of the players/drivers/athletes/competitors on your adored teams will communicate with you through local arrest reports. You might learn the favorite hangouts of highly pampered millionaires by checking the fine print of your daily newspaper. When they get arrested, you get to know them just a little better.
Nothing tells you more about those whom you idolize than what they do in their spare time. They could be at home playing Xbox or they could be driving erratically on the local expressway after a long evening of being seen in public. You'll never know what you're missing unless you stay in constant contact with local law enforcement.
Sure, overpaid athletes merit much adoration, but they all had to grow up sometime. You'll miss out on endearing tantrums and amazing athletic endeavors if you elect to wait until they are all in the major leagues.
Middle school is the best time to begin following your favorite sports teams. The best players have already been identified by 7th grade. You can learn a lot about a competitor by observing how they interact with their parents when the orange slices are being handed out.
Be sure to stake out a good seat at the local field/park/gym/course so you can begin monitoring the play of budding pampered millionaires. Admission is usually free and the police will leave you alone as long as you maintain a respectful distance. Stalking is such a harsh word.
Bet on them
Friendly wagers between amicable acquaintances make game-watching more interesting. We recommend agreeing on specific outcomes for tangible exchanges. For example, if your favorite sports team wins, your betting partner will pick up your dry cleaning for a month. If your team fails to conquer, you will mow the lawn without whining.
Another aspect of betting that increases interest is called a spread. In many cases the favored team presents such a dominant possibility of victory that finding someone to back the other team becomes problematic. In other words, you can't bet with yourself. The spread coaxes reticent bettors to get involved.
We love a little blueberry or blackberry spread on an English Muffin during a particularly exciting game/match/race/contest. Nothing enhances a wager more than fresh fruit.
Conclusion: Your teams will be your friends
Keep watching sports and keep befriending those athletes. Their fame and fortune ring hollow without fervent friendship underpinning all that they do.