BILL WALSH PUT ME IN THE HOSPITAL -- History of the Super Bowl Part 12
Bil Walsh becomes lord of an NFC that was about to crap on 10 years of work and progress in the AFC.
Overnight, the AFC went down the drain. And there was a good reason, which we'll get to in a few paragraphs. (With the except of the L.A. Raiders)
They will not have a competitive team ever again.
Before we break down the dickburgery or dickburgolytics of Bill Walsh...and why that sonumabitch put me in the hospital:)...let's explore what happens to this wonderful experiment that succeeded.
We put alot of effort into reading about the AFC for 11 hubs. Now that they're going to be the losers for a while in ASTOUNDING fashion, let's pay tribute to it.
Anyone who lives is a city where you have an AFC team, join hands.
So Oakland wins their second Super Bowl.
Pittsburgh has four.
Miami has two.
Now comes the 1980s.
Bills/Dolphins would be the headliner attraction in the AFC from here on out.
If you weren't good enough to take Miami, then MIAMI was the headliner attraction.
I was once at a health club in 1994. The game on the silent radio was Miami/Buffalo.
Wanna know what it said:
BUF 37 MIA 27 9:21 2nd quarter
So Miami and Buffalo are the only ones who really make the NFC go "oh okay".
Denver in 1997 and 98, that was a good one. Green Bay was 46 years old and Atlanta was Atlanta.
Who's up next -- oh that was fun all those teams in the early 2000s that would go 14-2 and 15-1 and all those suckers...the INSTANT they have a playoff game they lose 34-7.
Indianapolis Hoof Meat
Oakland Raiders (what a surprise).
But my favorite thing was what happened next -- in the mid 2000s.
The New England Patriots pulled a...well...
You ever see that movie "Cheaters" about the Steinmetz decathalon?
Jeff Daniels is in it?
So after these crooks beat the Jets all day long by stealing calls and resulting in five or six different coaches since I've been back from college...
Denver would beat them...
And get beat the next week against Dicksburgh.
Way to ride the wave of momentum there Denver. PWWWWWWWWW.
So really, that's pretty bad.
The only team from the AFC that we can be even halfway proud of for the rest of this tale...
Is the BALTIMORE RAVENS?!!!
I guess so.
But in the meantime, we have to discuss the rise of the NFC, which literally takes on the appearence of eight great big brick walls.
Institutions...but like big square four-by-four walls.
Washington was a wall. You were not going to run around it, hop over it, pass over it, and it could bowl you down.
New York Va-Giants had their period all over people, destroyed enough childhood idols at quarterback to fucking HAVE to get SOMETHING.
Chicago of course was falling for all the tricks it always fell for until Buddy Ryan drafted a guy who was the size of six Steve McMichaels.
But none of these niggas...were the pain in the goat ass of America and the sports globe...then the team that becomes THE central focus, THE headline attraction.
This team was so good, so hard, so impossible to stop.
They would leave streams of all-pros walking off the field thinking "good think I got that degree".
Only the youngsters don't know who I'm talking about.
The team that needs no introduction...
Youuuuuuuuuuurrrrr SAN FRAN-CISCO FORTY-NINERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bill Walsh put me in the hospital.
When we were kids and playing football, I always had to be the reciever who got his ass kicked.
Bill Walsh gets credit today for the "West Coast Offense".
He was Al Davis's offensive coordinator in 1963.
All he did was take Al Davis's offense...and make it so there was a THIRD reciever, a SLOT reciever they call us, who would have to run ten yards...then turn so we have to run right into a linebacker that is just standing there waiting to forearm people.
Bill Walsh won Superbowls, thus coaches would call it at every level.
Even in the Prep League.
Walsh didn't get along with Paul Brown, the Cincinnati Bengals Al Davis.
Walsh's strategies, after all, won, something that would make Paul Brown and every other AFC general...cringe.
Winning kept Cincinnati teams in Cincinnati.
Cleveland teams in Cleveland.
Only losing would get them to their dream of running the Cancun Bengals.
Remember how I said winning breads self-indulgence?
The AFC was in step two of this paradigm.
The NFC? Step one.
They had to prove they could be winners before moving the Bears to Halifax, Nova Scotia or wherever they're going one night while we sleep...Alton, Illinois Bears? Ootsburg Bears?
The AFC was doing what everybody, parent group and politician, had figured they would do sooner or later.
Just kick it.
Eat alot of Dairy Queen.
But the AFC thought they earned it. After all, their detractors thought they were going to live like this....BEFORE proving themselves to the world.
Every AFC fuhrer was inspired by Al Davis, these former detractors and Benedicts who had watched what Al Davis had done...(that pompous little kid, they probably said)...
So the NFC would do some things.
Bill Walsh coached James Lofton of the Buffalo Bills in college, and his offensive strategies were kind of the ultimate shoe for a foot like the guy who'd become the NFL's all-time recieving yards leader, but the 49ers would make their turnaround quickly with Walsh...
yet INSTANTLY...like a microwave...with the starting of the second string quarterback after Steve DeBerg got injured.
That second string quarterback?
Joe Montana pissed me off.
In the days when you would wait patiently for the 49ers offense to sit back down so Walter Payton could do his thing, Joe Montana would continuously give San Francisco a bigger lead to fight against.
We're down 10, we score, down to 3.
They get the ball back, down 10 again.
Everyone else I knew liked the Giants and the Jets, so I liked the Bears, Redskins and Bills.
Cowboys and 49ers could kiss my ass.
The Cowboys thank goodness would be mauled, embarrassed, floored, creamed, wiped off the face of the Earth following the Dwight Clark reception.
For all those who missed it, Montana got the 49ers to the Superbowl with a drive downfield in the final minute and a pass to Clark in the endzone for a 3 point lead blah blah blah.
I speed through the stuff you can find anywhere, such as Immaculate Reception and Dwight Clark.
People are gonna give me attitudes when I like their favorite bands but only know a few songs which are all on the radio? We can do the same thing to people who don't know football enough to know what's the more played out highlights.
The fun part about Superbowl XVI was the planning commission was even shittier then the players.
You go where...the paradise town in the South that has the shittiest NFL team, thereby the odds are the greatest you won't have a home team in the game.
Okay, that's just a theory I had, but lots of people agree.
Why else would the Superbowl be in New Orleans all the time?
So this time it was in PONTIAC, MICHIGAN.
Have you ever been by a Great Lakes lakefront up there this time of year?
It's so cold in the D. And the C. And the W. (Windsor, bitches. Represent)
On game day for Superbowl 16, the windchill was -27 degrees, and had speeds of nearly 40 fucking miles an hour.
Yet the Silverdome would be warm.
Cincinnati Bengals would their opponents, as Paul Brown was following the Major League/Georgia/Al Davis diet step-by-slimy-step...
49ers always had problems with the Bengals, number one because their quarterback and reciever would always get the attention but it was their special teams and defense that were the real stars.
These two aspects would fluster San Francisco...but only in the third quarter.
It was 20-0 going into the half, with Montana advancing for touchdowns from his own 8, his own 6, his own 12.
Yup, this was the master.
Elway was the best, but Montana sure was good with that team he had.
Joe Montana throws perfect passes, dead on, always while looking in the opposite direction of where he's going to throw.
Montana...I'm telling you I still today have never seen anything like this guy.
Get to know him, because this piece of fuck would never go away.
His defense, young as they were in 81, were like a video game.
Always difficult in the red zone for whatever you could do to them everywhere else.
The Bengals would be denied a touchdown because Pete Johnson, the big fullback for Cincy, would be the third running back on the same drive...to fail to get into the endzone from ONE YARD OUT.
They would lose by 5, so this touchdown was something Cincinnati would miss.
49ers won their 1st World Championship.
Montana Montana Montana. Screw you Joe Montana. You're invincible.