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Updated on March 14, 2010


In about 1995, one of the best movies ever made would be released. "Kids".

It stars Chloe Slovengy as the beautiful and talented city of Portland, Oregon.

And then there's the 76ers...having sex with virgins, and stealing your stock.

Accusing you and your friends of eating tubesteak with a side of underwear.

For nothing would have made the NBA wack upon itself harder -- then the site of the North's best example of their values...versus a town that is HEAD TO TOE SPOILED WHITE HIPPIES.


There are more trees in downtown Portland then in suburban Winnipeg. 

There is not one grocery store, at least when I was there, where the groceries can be placed in a decent fucking brown paper bag surrounded in plastic for the handles like a normal person. Everything drops out from under the bottom.

Recycled paper.

If in fact you're at a place that even has bags.

For Portland, Oregon is the sight of your girlfriend showing up at the apartment with a station wagon filled with groceries all over the seats.

You will have to make about twenty-nine trips to the car and back to grab handfuls of items.

Through the windows, for when groceries are on the seats, opening the door makes them fall out?! 

Portland has MILLIONS of bums.

It's a fashion statement.


Portland is a straight up small town small town.

A Larry O'Brien town.

A Bill Walton town.

An old NBL town. 

Or to Telly and Casper...a girl. 

Who is now made lethal due to their own negligence...

For the Portland Trailblazers will take the form of Jenny and actually spend all season limping around and trying to locate the NBA they can warn Philadelphia that it sucks.

And is a waste.

Now Philadelphia's guys were not like the people in Boiler Room or Kids personality wise. They were not assholes, they were in fact some cool motherfuckers.

But Philadelphia sports fans...were.

For this would be an all-star cast not seen since the movies Boiler Room...or Kids.

They're the same kids, the ones at JP Marlin simply are white with short haircuts.

If that wasn't what 84% of America didn't trust, they would be in Washington Park with the rest of the kids.

Remember how the Washington Park kids seemed like chill peaceful Portland people....until the gay couple walked by?

Then they showed their Philadelphia-ness.

That was the same group of kids that uttered the tubesteak with underwear joke, and beat a fucker senseless out back for simply posing a threat to someone he didn't know had a huge crew.

Just like these loons at the park due to that black dude with the skateboard.

Same people.

And as such, Jenny will not only be the Portland Trailblazers, but Giovanni Ribisi's dad, the stern, angry judge.

Who will stop this team and simply ask them "have you won any championships for any of these guys?"

Oh god, Seth. 

I'm sick.

I don't want you ever to come around the house again, Seth. 

In the beginning, Julius Erving had been Seth.

He was very good with numbers, business...but was using it to run a backdoor card game which was the ABA.

Then along came Nicky Katt and the other dude.

You really plan on doing this when you're 30? You don't think you'll be injured before then or end up wasting your talents? 

And so Julius would join the 76ers.

The judge was onto this.

For how many of his own friends had kids who were in the ABA?

It wasn't a tribute to civil rights, it was a fucking attempt to make Bill Russell look bad, SETH!!!!


So Dr. J joins a team that has a lineup you wouldn't fucking believe.

Henry Bibby, Fred Carter, Mike Dunleavy, Doug Collins, Cardwell Jones, Harvey Catchings, George McGinnis, and last but not least...

Kobe's dad Jellybean Joe Bryant.

What's astounding is that Henry and Joe play together...and Kobe elbows Bibby in the head during the playoffs.


Their dads must give the kids alot of unwarranted advice regarding the other kid. 

These guys would be HUGE.

Everybody wanted a 76ers autograph during 1976.

Dr. J would lead them in just his first year to the NBA Finals.

Meanwhile Portland followed...trying to warn Telly that he sucked before it was too late and their secret was spread to other people. 

Yet Philly will end up at the big party, and win 2 games while Portland isn't even there yet...just sleepwalking...

The 76ers then fall asleep after Game 2.

But then wake up to find Portland now passed out in a chair.

And so they unbuckle Portland's belt...and do their business...

Shhhhh don't worry it's us Philadelphia shhhhh....shhhh.....

And suddenly Philadelphia is infected with the AIDS virus.

When you're young, not much matters. Screwing up is what Philadelphia loves. Take that from them, they truly have nothing.

The Portland Trailblazers win the next 4 games to become the 1977 NBA World Champions.

After which, Philadelphia woke up and looked straight at us.

"Jesus Christ, what happened?" they asked.


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