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Lucha Underground F.C.

Updated on January 29, 2016

Gather around dudes and dudettes; it’s time for a quick story. Last night, as I’m prone to do, I ended up shooting the shit with my good pal and sometimes collaborator Matt Mortensen about Lucha Underground, football (the one most of you call soccer) and how the dude with the @SuperHoody Twitter account is ruining humanity. Alright, that part we didn’t talk about, bust the rest we did. And thus, an idea popped into my head. I love Lucha Underground and I love football, most notably the English Premier League; why not come up with a crazy, yet fun column where I create a football club out of Lucha Underground stars?! And thus here we are. Welcome to Lucha Underground F.C. everyone!

My terribly made Lucha F.C. stadium!
My terribly made Lucha F.C. stadium!

For those of you not familiar with football/soccer, I’ll explain it briefly; each team fields 11 men to start the game on the pitch, with each team having 7 potential substitutes on the bench. You can only use 3 subs per game, thus if you’re manager you must choose and choose wisely when and who to take out and put in. Man, what a tongue twister that was. My point is that because of that, I’ve compiled 18 Lucha Underground stars for this team; seven will be bench players, eleven will be starters (with an explanation given for each role). For those of you interested in the formation, Lucha Underground F.C. will be running a 4-4-2 (four defensive players, four midfielders and two attackers. The keeper/goalie is never mentioned in this. Don’t ask), because I like a lot of people up towards the front and I really don’t need to explain myself to you do I?! I kid, I kid. Well, let’s not waste anymore time. Let me introduce you to the manager and squad that make up Lucha Underground F.C. Let's start with the boss.


Manager: Dario Cueto. Because who else could it be? Yes I know Catrina is running the Temple now and I’m sure could make a compelling argument about why she should be large and in charge. Newsflash; I don’t want to hear it. Till Catrina has had more than a week running the show, I’m going to ride with El Jefe as the right one to guide LU F.C. to the promise land. As consolation, Catrina can be the assistant manager/manager in waiting. Think of it as a Louis Van Gaal/Ryan Giggs situation if Giggs was a very attractive woman and Van Gaal had a clue what he was doing.

See? From the man himself!
See? From the man himself!

Reserves


GK: The Mack. I like my keepers to be big, athletic, gnarly freaks of nature, and who fits that better than Big Willie? You imagine taking a penalty kick against him? He will eat you alive. Really, the only reason he’s not the starter is because Immortan Mil Muertes exists and you can’t possibly go with someone else other than him for starter. That be like picking Coke over Pepsi.


FW: Johnny Mundo. Decent size, great speed, great athleticism and most importantly has hair an attacking player like Gareth Bale only dreams about. Why’s Mundo on the bench? A, you never play all your cards right away (unless your Arsene Wenger, amirite Mazza?!) and b, what better use of the Wednesday Night Delight than bringing him in later in the game when the opposing unit is tired to finish them off. It’s like Fernando Torres, without the frustration. Somewhere, Mortensen is cursing me for that reference.


MF: Son of Havoc. Like Mundo, Havoc’s a dude that’s nice to have around for an insurance policy. Plus, he’s quick and athletic enough to attack from the mid field and also a tough enough son of a bitch to slide back and defend if needs be. Plus, there’s no way a man with that bad ass of a beard can be an attacking player. That just screams gruff midfielder right there.


MF: Drago. The team’s Joey Barton; hardnosed, really talented, prone to fiery outbursts that may hurt you and unexpectedly popular. Basically Drago and Havoc are the team’s hard workers; you’ll wear the jerseys of the stars, but silently you’ll cheer the loudest for the grit and effort of these two.


RB: Chavo Guerrero. You knew Chavo had to be on here. He’s seasoned, he’s crafty, he’s seen and experienced every situation possible and he still has just enough quickness that he can be an effective right back and occasionally move up to an attacking position. I wouldn’t use him all the time, but in a situation where experience calls, Chavo is the man.


LB: Famous B. Great athleticism can play any position (though you prefer to use his speed and athleticism in the back) and is one of those talents who the opposition doesn’t know much about and always gets surprised by. Basically Famous B is the secret weapon, as well he should be.


CB: Marty “The Moth” Martinez. He’s tall. That’s pretty much it. Well, that and the fact that Marty is out of his damn mind and I want my last line of defense on the pitch to be loaded with dudes who scare the shit out of the opponents. All it would take is one flap of his arms and Marty would have Diego Costa in the fetal position. By the way, is it just me or has Costa become the Blake Griffin of the Premiere League? They’re both uber talented, they both have potential to be stars and if anyone with a sliver of moxy approaches them they turn into J. Bruce Ismay.

Starters


GK: Mil Muertes. I don’t care who is attacking the net against us; there’s no one I feel safer with in net than Immortan Mil. Do I even have to spend more than two sentences justifying this choice? Does it not speak for itself?


RB: King Cuerno. I know what you’re thinking; shouldn’t Cuerno be up front in an attacking position? NOT SO FAST MY FRIEND! Like I said earlier, I want my defenders to be dangerous, to install fear into the hearts of the opposing team’s attackers, to hunt them down and make them suffer. Who better to hunt them down than an actual hunter in Deer Antlers here? Plus, his Arrow of Death suicide dive is proof that Cuerno can travel long distances in a very short rate, which is ideal for defense.


CB: Pentagon Jr. The easiest choice of this column that doesn’t involve putting Mil Muertes in net. You try scoring against Pentagon and chances are you’ll just run away from him immediately or he’ll take the yellow card while committing the most diabolical foul in the history of western hemisphere. And no, that sort of foul doesn’t get a red card, at least not with this official serving as referee.

Future football ref Marty Elias in no way shape or form favors Lucha Underground F.C.
Future football ref Marty Elias in no way shape or form favors Lucha Underground F.C.

CB: Cage. The biggest and the baddest man of Lucha Underground has to be the ideal defender. He can muscle anyone out of the way, he can intimidate anyone and perhaps most importantly he can be a huge aerial threat on corner kicks. You try muscling the Machine out of the way when he’s going up in the air, with his only goal to head that ball right through the opposing keeper’s sternum.


LB: Cortez Castro. We have a hunter, we have a Machine and we have the most diabolical hater since the so called Beautiful back in defense already; the only logical move to complete this amazing back line is to include a grinder. Castro is that grinder; he won’t get the notoriety his teammates will, but he’s got speed to play up field, he’ll work hard and he’ll grind the midfielder/winger going against him into submission.


RM: Prince Puma. Surprise ending; while Prince Puma does indeed make the team, he doesn’t get the attacking position my buddy Leaf expected him to. What gives? What gives is that even though Puma’s not entirely up front, he’s still an important part of the attack. I love speed close to the sidelines, and Puma is one of the fastest guys Lucha Underground has. He can beat defenders to the corners and launch balls into box, he can use his athleticism to set things up for himself up there, and he’ll be tenacious in defense. Sounds like a win win to me!


MF: Aerostar. One of my favorite footballers ever is Tim Cahill; he may not have been the biggest or the most notable player, but my goodness could that man fly in the air and be a menace. Seeing as Aerostar is the Tim Cahill of Lucha Underground, it’s only natural he plays the part on the pitch. You try stopping the man once he’s in air. Steve Pain can’t show his face in Mexico anymore for the simple fact that he couldn’t!


MF: Jack Evans. Like Aerostar, Jack adds a little bit of the Tim Cahill skill into the mix by being able to go up and get anything. Like Steven Gerard, Jack will be able to do spectacular things on both offense and defense. And like pretty much every star footballer ever, Jack can be the charismatic dude who makes bold statements, insults everyone and is the dude every Lucha F.C. supporter loves and every opposing fan hates. Search your feelings Mortensen; you know it to be true!

An actual footballer named Jack Evans who plays for Swansea's Youth Academy. No relation to the FIFA Champ from what I'm told
An actual footballer named Jack Evans who plays for Swansea's Youth Academy. No relation to the FIFA Champ from what I'm told

LM: Ivelisse. She’s bad, she’s uber talented, she’s gutsy, she’ll stay in the game even with severe injury; plus, have you seen those kicks Ivelisse can deliver? I don’t see anyone else more suited for the left side, where she can launch corners and score awesome goals that make the rest of the dudes look bad.


FW: Angelico. This might be because I’m a huge Angelico fan and am enormously biased, but you just take one look at the man and see he’s the total package. He has the size, he has the right build, he has the speed and, unless I’m mistaken, he has the best arsenal of kicks in Lucha Underground. Angelico is pretty much one of those FIFA Create a Player dudes that can do everything and anything. Why wouldn’t you want this guy attacking for your team? Plus, this allows us to have the Jack to Angelico dynamic remain intact, while also continuing their hilarious rivalry as they try to one up each other.


FW: Killshot. This will be the most controversial choice. I’m sure someone will say “why couldn’t you have put Puma here? Why couldn’t you have put Ivelisse here? Wah, wah, I root for Tottenham and they never win. WAH!” Yes, both Puma and Ivelisse are great strikers with their feet, which is why they are both out towards the wings launching balls for Angelico and Killshot to get. In the end, I just like Killshot as a striker a bit more. I think he can go up and get balls in the air just as much as Puma and I think he’s a little bit better a striker than Puma. Plus, I’d rather once again have Puma out in the open with the option to feed balls into the box, where as Killshot is someone who’s primary objective is to strike. Make sense? Sure does to me!


And that’ll do it guys! Special thanks to Matt Mortensen yet again for helping to inspire the idea; please visit him to find all your Lucha Underground F.C. gear! Just kidding; or am I?! I’ll be back tomorrow with something. Who knows what? Till then, how about a football meme to end a football column? As long as it isn’t making fun of QPR…

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