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Oh Boy The Giants, Someone Hold Me Up -- History of the Super Bowl Part 17

Updated on August 27, 2012


You're about to be introduced to a man who caused a lot of grief in people.

Most people walking around today have no sense of imagination.

There's a reason why a whole nation of children in the 80s could be the first ones exposed to so many things via cable, the internet, VCRs, direct TV...and be just like the 30-year olds before that and before that and before that...

No I'm not talking about peer pressure.

Something made those dreaming bullies...into simply bullies.

There was something that they saw once when they were young that traumatized their imagination.

How did we go from watching AFC guys do their thing to excluding the kinds of people who live to embarrass the man?

What made a country of young musclebound egomaniacs decide AS KIDS...that adjustor is the best profession I can hope for?

Well that's easy, you might say -- the young musclebound egomaniac didn't watch as much TV as I did.

Ahh hahh. That's right.

Except for one very important thing that made its' way on 80s television that discouraged all the dreams so many programs inspired...

The plight of the greatest quarterback of all time.

By the time John Elway wins a Superbowl, his young fans would all be grown up, and were too busy putting up the facade and doing the regiments necessary to be said insurance adjustor to care.

John Elway, unfortunately, would be compared to Joe Montana.

Chicks watching the Superbowls in the late 80s would be treated to a completely wrong answer every time as to who they should climbing on.

99 percent of chicks aren't going to know or care Montana has the better team, just that he's winning BIG.

And thus...the casual male football fan doesn't think he has to respect Elway.

They're going to hold it against him that he's not making himself more likable to the common idiot.

The NFC had waited a long time for someone to come around in the AFC and be so good compared to the others around him that they could expose them and make him look stupid.

THIS had been what the parent groups had really wanted from sports but were too afraid to ask.

A proper illustration for the youth as to the concept of the great TEAM, and thus the star of the group being the "leader".

This goes against the nature of a star player of football, basketball and hockey.

The star gets abused by the bigger members until the star proves he's the best out of all of them. Whether they win the whole world championship unfortunately is basically irrelevant in the back of the mind of an AFC player because the real battle among AFC teams is INTERNAL.

Well there's a way to rebuke this idea of course, and that's to assemble a good team and go at this guy 11-to-1.

Joe Namath and Buddy Ryan had proven they had a team of equal ability.

They never proved to anyone that they could do it alone.

John Elway...tried.

And John Elway...wasn't taking 11 people at once.

John Elway was not proving he could take on entire teams all by himself, and thus it was easy for his enemies to paint a picture in which the entire AFC looks stupid.

I don't think I ever saw it so acceptable to bash anyone as it was for people to bash these Broncos and then the 90s Bills.

They hold the Cowboys up like gods for losing 3 Super Bowls.

Everyone loves Chicago Bears, and yet nobody makes fun of the Minnesota Vikings.

But the mainstream press regarded the AFC as the guy from another country in the next cubicle who people don't like because all they know about him is that he cooks up some stenchy ass shit in the microwave for lunch.

John Elway would even get made fun of on the Simpsons.


The Denver Broncos could have beaten any team in the NFL in the late 80s -- except those three f*cking terminators they had to play in the Superbowl.

The playoffs were stupid, with the Jets and return AFC champion Patriots each playing well until the final quarters, but it was Denver and Cleveland that everyone wanted to see.

Everyone familiar with the way the quarterback is hyped up when he's good.

Elway vs. Kosar was a headliner attraction.

Cleveland's coach was always my dude...Marty Schottenheimer.

Marty gets no credit for how under control he really is.

He keeps players who screw up from having lifetime complexes.

He puts their asses back out on the field to redeem themselves. Every time.

Schottenheimer's been everywhere, and only in Washington did they not improve.

Denver vs. Cleveland for the 86 AFC title was crazy.

Cleveland goes up on a bomb from Kosar to Brennan, on the road here in Denver. They lead it 20-13 with 5:48 to play.

The Broncos then end up having to start at their own 2 yard line.

Between now and :37 in regulation, Elway would become ruler of the earth.

Try to imagine what it must have been like to be 25 years old, throw a touchdown pass in the endzone to Mark Jackson to tie it, and then watch Moseley make the kick in overtime.

It's a wonder that Elway wasn't addicted to anything as a result.

Picture yourself as John Elway in a grocery store in Denver in January imagine it while knowing what life is going to be like for the next ELEVEN YEARS?!

Elway's Broncos going into Superbowl XXI were the FAVORITES.

Even Dan Marino had never been through this kind of pressure against Cleveland.

Meanwhile in the NFC, it was a story from a western.

Washington, New York and San Francisco had all gotten back up on their feet, shaken their heads, and adjusted their helmets after what they saw whizz by them in Superbowl Plenty.

The Chicago Bears, and I should really save this for the Bears hub, but they would get ready for the 86 season as defending champions...fat.

That's right.

Jim McMahon had a belly on him returning to training camp.

Commercials, endorsements...look at the way Michael Jordan is always wearing a suit when he walks around now. This is that on-the-court discipline now put into effect when you get all the reasons in the world to slack off.

The Bears forgot their man coming into training camp out of shape would, due to being the 85 Bears, be something caught on CAMERAS.

The Bears would finish 14-2 without Jim McMahon for most of it.

Instead they would bring in the hero of the 1984 Holiday Bowl?, the man who threw the long hail mary against Miami to win it...

Doug Flutie.

Flutie's problem was that he was small. F*cking small.

Such a talent.

Such a dude.


Jim McMahon didn't like the idea of being benched in favor of Flutie either.

Jim McMahon called him "Bambi".

Jim McMahon wouldn't do what Cris Carter did for Randy Moss -- take him under his arm, nothing.

Jim McMahon was Mark Wahlberg in Boogie Nights when he discovers Jack has hired a replacement.

The Bears had their division playoff game at home, and their opponents would be the Washington Redskins.

The Bears trailed immediately, as the guy before Doug Williams threw a touchdown to Art Monk, and then put up another field goal. Flutie hit Willie Gault to make it close and they were up 14-13 at the end of three.

But then Flutie threw an interception and Payton fumbled, EACH turnover resulting in a fucking perfect drive from Washington.

They won the game 27-14.

I don't think you ever saw Chicago hurt more.

They seemed to try to manufacture the LOOK of a hurt town after the Bartman thing, but the Washington loss resulted in lots of people not even trying to go into work.

Michael Jordan's retiring was about the equivalent to the Payton fumble.

Man. Poor Bears.

But at least it was a cool team that beat them. the...Red-skins!!!!


Meanwhile somehow, someway, my very home town was turning into a f*cking slaughterhouse for good football teams, and not just quarterbacks.

The Va-Giants Jim Burt would flatten Joe Montana. Who would have guessed that this was when he got off easy?

The Giants of the 80s were real good, but they won like an NFC team --

They injured people, and held the ball.

That was the short and tall of Giants football.

You see how surprised their reciever was in the Superbowl when Eli Manning actually PASSED?

You see how he had to catch the damn thing with his helmet he was so off course?

They don't practice thrilling the crowd much.

Yet to be serious, these Giants had the best foursome of linebackers ever -- Harry Carson, Lawrence Taylor and Carl Banks and Gary Reasons were f*cking awesome.

Mark Bavaro was my dude and Stacy Robinson and Zeke Mowatt were real good, they were tight end and recievers.

Phil Simms was the quarterback and did pretty decent.

But what I really liked about their offense was the running back Joe Morris.

Then they got Otis and Dave Meggett and they took Ron Dayne and...yeah, we'll get to them.

The Giants hosted the 49ers in the divisional playoffs.

First series for San Francisco -- Jerry Rice waits until getting into the Giants endzone before FUMBLING IT?!

That's right.

It was the beginning of San Francisco's personal hell.

49-3 New York. 49-3.

As it turns out, a team with strong linebackers was the only shot at stopping an offense that functioned by isolating them and making them do everything!!!!

Then Washington goes into New York on a freaking HIGH...and gets slaughtered.

They don't even put up a single point.

The Giants are in the Super Bowl, their first one ever.

The Giants used to be the New York Rangers of New York City.

The Cubs of Chicago.

The Giants and the Broncos would play it out in Superbowl XXI.

The Giants take the lead because Simms hits Mowatt, but Elway takes them on yet another pressure-filled drive, running it in from 5 yards out.

Yet the Giants didn't just have linebackers, and Elway would be hit with a safety on the next drive. It would be 9-7 New York.

Elway again brings them down before the half and Denver goes up with a field goal.

10-9 at the half.

Wanna know what the score was at the end of three?


The Giants would put up 13 more in the fourth quarter, scoring on flea flickers and bobbled balls and literally every bounce afforded to them.

Every time a camera flash occurred, it would always result in a Bronco returner dropping the punt or someone getting rocked.

39-20 the final, and the Giants were champions of the world.

to be continued...for Elway would return...


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