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Predictions for a repeat

Updated on August 19, 2019

Another year another draft has come and gone. Its crazy that year after year I think we can’t get any dumber, and then we draft and I walk away shaking my head. Well this year I was shaking the dizziness out, but I WAS shaking it. Two people took multiple kickers, I mean that right there is enough. There is nothing more to say. Two kickers, one kicker league. I guess I’d understand if we were in a 30 person league and you had to worry about having a back up in case yours got hurt. But I think this is still 12 and I’m pretty sure its still just the one kicker, but there we have at yet again.

Miniature golf was fun, the draft was great. The pizza was below average, and the drinking was subpar. I had to drink extra to make up for all you Sally’s that weren’t drinking. I did the best I could. I heard I got a little drunk, but I don’t think I won the all time drunk trophy which is still split between Trevor and Ralph from last year. Didn’t want to take home all the trophies you know? But on to the predictions and on to the fun.

First place-Buy A Ring Brandon- Really think I may go back to back here. Top to bottom all my guys have great floors and I have great depth. I’m deep at RB which is the most important position to be deep at and have a solid WR core. And last year I took a risk on Patrick Mahomes and it paid off, this year I snagged Kyler Murray. And then came the moronic haters who called it a bad pick. Ya watch him run for 80 yards a game in addition to his passing and watch him tear up the league. And I’ve also already been offered a trade for him. I think in the future when you idiots turn one of my picks upside down I should celebrate cuz if you people think it’s a bad pick, and you people are idiots, then its probably not a bad pick. I found a nice little home for my championship trophy and I’m thinking of leaving it there for a while.

2nd place- Pizza Face- I actually started Joey out at third but as I was going through Petes team I liked it a little less than Joeys and made the switch. Look if Melvin Gordon doesn’t play he will finish 8th but if he does this is a really good team. Julio, Thielen, Kupp is really solid, then Carson and Aaron Rodgers I’d say Joey has the best top 6 picks of anyone. Then he does dumb and takes Vance Mcdonald. Makes no sense how you guys panic like that. Then of course he goes to Homerville, Colorado and takes few idiotic Broncos. And he was one of the fucking morons who took two kickers. Its like Joey feels like he has to show his Bronoco spirit by taking half their guys. 4 rounds in a row Flacoo, Denver D, McManus, and former Bronco legend now worthless piece of shit Demaryius Thomas. I can’t be too mean to Joey because he did let me sleep on his couch that night. I did wake up with no shirt on and a couple hickeys on my nips but Joey swears its from the cats. Oh and if you didn’t know, Joey has two cats. No they aren’t his barely legal girlfriends cats, they are his and he loves them. Like Joey is a cat person. Its embarrassing.

3rd place- Lambda Lambda Lambda- Pete from the bleachers comes up with a really good team. I think its kinda messed up that you guys didn’t let our Mexican sit down during the draft. Honestly, you OC white people are messed up. And yes your included in that Brandon. You know less Spanish than my dad and he only knows the word “leche”. It means milk Brandon. Back to Pete. I really like his first 4 picks. Went strong at RB and then got Edelman who is a ppr monster. Then got some middle of the road WRs which he will need a couple of them to have breakout seasons in order to stay up top. I do have concerns about his QBs as they are both average guys who probably aren’t gonna win you a week by scoring 40 points. I wonder how many football games Pete will watch this year. I think its less than 16.

4th place- Josh Rosen’s Hot Tub- Darrryyylll came up with a solid team despite trying to cheat me out of a pick. Look, I was drunk gimme a gosh darn minute to pull my life together and pick Delanie Walker. I don’t know Daryl that well but he seems like a nice guy. Nice like he resides in the friend zone. If I had to guess I would say he is more in the friend zone with every woman on earth than Pete is with Kelley. And let me tell you, she is repulsed by his existence. Remember earlier when I said Joey had the best first 6 picks, well Darryl has the best top 4 picks. Kamara, Tyreke, Mike Evans, and Ertz. I think the Ertz pick was a little early but he would have to wait another 20 picks for it to come around, that and this league has a boner for early tight ends. I would say for qbs too but Nick being a fucking moron shouldn’t count against the whole group. I like Wilson and Winston as QBs and if Gordon doesn’t play Ekeler could be a top 10 point scoring rb this year.

5th place- Phone Cheaters- The dream team. Josh and Bill. Beauty and the beast. The man who spends an hour on his hair every morning and the man who lets nature take its course. On his health, his hygiene, and his hair. Wait nature and cigarettes. That’s what I meant. He lets nature and cigarettes take their course. I was really worried about how much Bill was sweating during mini golf. Where each hole is 20 feet long and we had a 15 min break after every two holes. Oh wait, and he had to putt. Take a putter back 3-6 inches and follow through. My bad. Now to Josh. Honestly, we all hope your wife is doing better. Having said that, has anyone actually met her? Do you pay some girl to take Instagram pictures with you? I mean some of us think she is real. Like we are all pretty sure she is a real person, like alive and in this world, but some people are unsure if she lets you touch her with your dick. Even in the dark. But maybe you used karate style tongue moves to reel her in. Lets talk the team. John Daly’s dad aka Bill did make some solid picks. Conner should pick up where he left off last year and Davante is gonna be studly as usual. Damien Williams is nice, Watson may be the breakout player of the year if he stays healthy and got a couple decent role players down the line. I don’t like the Baker pick unless you are going to trade him to Brandon for his whole team. But it was pretty awesome to see you take him one pick before Brandon was 100% taking him. That almost made the whole day. Also, Bill had in a write in of Courtland Sutton. Obviously you guys thought they didn’t make a sticker for him? No you idiots Brandon picked him in the 9th round. Who is dumber, Bill for picking him in the 15th round or Joey for writing him in as if he wasn’t picked and didn’t have a sticker.

6th place- Fournetteication- I really hate putting Dave this high because he takes it more personally than anyone else in the league. Last year I had him 9th or 10th and I saw him at the Bubby and his first words to me were “Really? 9th?” Hahahaahaha. Its what makes it all worth it. I saw Dave’s picture on Instagram and got worried. I was wondering if he won the league and took the trophy home, where under the bridge where he lives would he store it without it getting stolen and melted down to make spear heads to catch fish in the water. But then I saw Dave and he looked so different. Then more questions came to mind. I was wondering what barber he gave a hand job to so he could get that haircut. Cuz homeless people don’t waste $20 on a haircut. And they don’t have anything to barter for a haircut. So handys and blowys is how I figure they get their hair cut. And so I was worried about Dave. As for his team its pretty solid. Its not good enough to win anything, but its solid. At some point I’m gonna have to get used to you people picking tight ends in the second and third rounds even though no one else on earth does that. But alas, if we are ignoring that (and we have to if everyone does it cuz it evens everyone out) then dj, Thomas, kittle, green is a solid start. Lindsay has to have the magic he had last year and I like Wentz and Jimmy G at qbs. And if Mckinnon is healthy that might be the best pick in the draft.

7th-Brandons Team- I think I should spend the entire time talking about how atrocious Brandon was a miniature golf. I mean the guy plays golf once a week and loves it and cares about it. And then walks out there and is the worst by a country mile. I mean Trevor, Pete, Kyle, and a few others are horrific golfers and never play, and yet they all beat Brandon. I like the top of his team and if Gurley is the Gurley from the first half of last year this team could be good. But there are definite questions. Besides Gurley, this will be Henry’s first year as the lead dog for the whole season, Fitz is old, Chicago defense is supposed to be bad, and some other ok guys who aren’t good enough to start on a good fantasy team. And then Sam Darnold. Far and away the worst pick in the draft. Its not like he is a horrible quarterback. I mean, he isn’t good, but why. There are sooooooo many better qbs still available. He barely throws, he doesn’t have good weapons and his team sucks and he plays in cold weather. I think I would take 7-10 qbs still available over Darnold.

8th place- 6Times- Well Rich really fucked this thing up. Baaaaad. He started the day off great, wearing baggy clothes, sunglasses, a hat, and lots of facial hair so no one can tell how unhealthy he is. Then he backs that up by winning the golf, and backs that up by taking the first pick and not screwing up his draft position like Trevor did. And then he takes Saquon, and then he takes Mahomes (which was early but wouldn’t have been available coming back around) and everything is great and then it all goes very very bad. Wait hold on a minute. Lets take a quick sidebar. Rich, even though he looks much much older than all of us, is about our age. And growing up we all told how bad cigarettes are for us. And everyone sees it and everyone knows it and then science comes along and confirms without a shadow of a doubt how bad smoking is. Like everyone in the world knows, there are no people like “hey are you sure?” No. Yet our fantasy league keeps Big Tobacco going. I just don’t understand it. The chainsmoking that goes on at our draft every year is out of control. I don’t understand it, and most of you (outside of fantasy football picking) are too smart to be doing that still. Anyway, back to Rich’s freefall. Kelce with the first pick of the third round is way too early but fine. Mack is a litte early but he needed a running back. Then Rich goes on to pick the 2010 all star team. Jeffery, Miller, Jones, Murray, Graham. And I don’t know how old Allen Robinson is but he is garbage too. Young athletic and explosive wins in football and wins in fantasy football. That’s why you took Barkley and Mahomes. Then u fucked it all up.

9th place- MFFGA- I would like to start by congratulating Kyle on probably not finishing last this year. But I’d also like to warn Leveon Bell and Juju that Kyle and his bad Juju just picked you two and one of you is going down for the count preeeeeeeeetty soon. Kyle has like 4 good players, the two I mentioned and Ingram and Minnesota D. Hunter Henry may be good too. I hate the rest. But he did get his Lions in there which year after year doesn’t pan out but year after year him and Joey homer it up. Basically his team can peak at 5th place if Cam has a great year and can bottom out at 11th if he can’t throw or play. But not 12th, that spot is reserved for the wild card man himself.

10th place- RalphA’s Choice Team- Look we all hope Ralph is ok. I know his injury is pretty serious so I’m not gonna be a jerk to him. But to be clear for Josh who wasn’t there, he did pick these guy before the injury and the pain meds. Look this team is ok. Goff to cooks can win you a week. Mixon is ok and Aaron Jones might have big year. But two Giants is a big risk. And I love Jared Cook, but you can’t play two tight ends so one of them is unnecessary. The rest of these guys are ok but just ok enough to get you beat. Fell better buddy.

11th place- Brady Gaga- This is gonna bother Trevor almost as much is it bothers Dave when I put him low. Before we get to the team, lets be honest if we had a pool with who would get the first call to have to leave the draft to come home who would we all have staked the farm on? Not Ralph with a 9 month pregnant wife, not Pete with a 1 year old and 6 pm curfew, not Alvie with two babies in the house, not Bill with sunset dinner specials ending at dusk, but Mr. Happy Gilmore himself…Trevor. It was adorable listening to your drunk father tell us hockey stories of how good you were as a kid. He is gonna make a great senile old man. I was impressed by Trevors golf though because he is a horrific golfer in real life and played really well on the course. That’s where it all went wrong. But unlike Rich who started ok, Trevor went straight into the shitter before the draft even started. Trevor could have had the second pick and taken Kamara or McCaffery, and instead chose to have the 4th pick. That’s not so bad until he decided to take a player who is holding out, and every time you turn on ESPN Jerry Jones is laughing about it. Then Nick Chubb who doesn’t catch balls and will be replaced by Kareem Hunt. Then Antonio Brown who did get over the helmet situation but has hurt feet and a shitty quarterback. Then Andrew Luck, and with Luck its one of those things where no one is sure what is really going on but in those cases the person usually doesn’t play the whole year. It just keeps getting pushed back and pushed back. Then he picked a few back ups who won’t win you a week. Look there are guys in this league who care and will make waiver pick ups and spend time with it and Trevor is one of them. So his team will improve. But fuck if this team is left the same it is awful.

12th place- Nick’s- Wow. Wow. Wow. This has to be one of the worst drafted teams I have ever seen. And the thing is Hopkins, Diggs, and Boyd are good picks. But man is every other pick the absolute worst possible. Tom Brady was the 20th ranked qb last year and is a year older without a couple weapons most notably gronk. And he was the first qb taken. We should try and figure out if Brady in the second is better or worse than Matt Ryan in the first last year. Then he takes Mohamed Sanu. Wow. The third string WR for Atlanta. In the 4th round. Its crazy. Then Tevin Coleman who cant be higher than the third string guy for the 49ers. Then Drew Brees in the 8th round. I don’t know what to say. Then big Ben in the 11th. Think about this Alvie. You took Brady in the second round. He scored 281 fantasy points last year. You took Brees in the 8th round, he scored 304 fantasy points last year. And you took Big Ben in the 11th round. He scored 341 fantasy points last year. Just think about that for a while. Who you could have had in the second round instead of Tom Brady. Shit you could have taken Pat Mahomes who was THE HIGHEST SCORING PLAYER IN FANTASY. Then two tight ends of course, which of course makes no sense. Then here we go with a second kicker. And this is even better. Yahoo doesn’t even have his kicker Andrew Jacas listed in their players. I couldn’t even add him to Nick’s roster. Jacas isn’t important enough for yahoo, who probably updates every day, to have Jacas in their list, ya jackass. Enjoy last place cuz YOU STINK!

Good luck trying to take down the champ this year. Hopefully I offended you so you will try harder and make our league better. I look forward to not seeing most of you for an entire year.

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