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HAKEEM IS COMING TO AMERICA -- History of the NBA Finals Part 45

Updated on August 2, 2014

Hakeem Olajuwon was the almighty Prince of Zamunda, but something was missing.

And so he came to America to look for his bride.

The problem was that the NBA had arranged a specific fate for Olajuwon.

For the NBA had long been able to counter the creative center. It was the creative shooting guard that they didn't know how to contain, for it was highly unlikely that Hakeem would have Michael Jordan's range.

Michael Jordan himself would be off to honor Jor-El, who had been killed in North Carolina, a place that he had hurled young Michael from to escape its terrible circumstances and fate when he was just a 20 year old rookie.

So as Michael left the planet, Hakeem was determined. I am going to find my NBA championship.

He brought his sidekick and sparring partner Otis Thorpe with him.

"But with Michael gone, what city out there could we go that has a trophy fit for a king?"

And so they looked on the map -- New York City.

Sounded good to them.

The problem was that New York was hardly as glamorous of a team as they envisioned. They were in fact...rude fuck-ups.

Whenever they could they stole people's luggage. And swore.

Hakeem would pick up all kinds of language that he thought was compliments.

Hakeem would be invited to see Rik Smits play, and not even be intimidated.

Hakeem's employer, Charles Barkley, was almost identical to McMichael...but with slight differences.

Michael had a deadly turn-around, Charles explained. Well I've got the deadly rebound-drive.

We both have all-star status, were Dream Teamers, and have been to the Finals.

But Jordan won the title.

My fingers have no rings.

Hakeem and Otis would look to the NBA anaylsts -- the three putzs.

"You must be out of your god damn mind! Magic Johnson was the greatest player that ever lived. He better then Wilt, he better then Larry, he better then that new boy...who the new boy...Larry Johnson. He beat Gramama's ass, he beat all they ass!"

"What about Michael Jordan?"

"Oh! There they go! Everytime I start talking about basketball, a white man gotta pull Michael Jordan out they ass. Michael Jordan Michael Jordan...lemme tell you something once and for all..Michael Jordan was good...but compared to Magic Johnson? Michael Jordan ain't shit!"

"He beat Magic Johnson's ass."


The NBA also has Scottie Pippen as an unheralded back-up. Well...Pippen's now the star of the whole game.

Pippen in this film takes the form of Darryl.

Everybody loved Darryl, and expected him to come through.

Pippen this season would get endorsement deals from Soul Glo, and thus grow his hair out for the commercials.

Waiters would continuously find hugh tips on their table, and go up to Pip: "Someone left a huge tip in the collection plate."

Pip would look at them a bit nervous. "Well...I..."

"I THOUGHT IT WAS YOU!" they'd say excited.

"Uh...of course!" Pip would answer. "Anything for a hard-working waiter of this great land of Chicago!"

But Pip would end up tripping himself up.

New York City would overwhelm poor Darryl in a way that Darryl looked like scumbag.

All Darryl did to deserve it...was talk a little shit, and be a little prominent.

Meanwhile New York City would then turn it's sights on preventing Hakeem from being happy, and finding Lisa at the end of the NBA Finals.

In Games 3,4 and 5...New York would take 2 out of that were marred by the O.J. Simpson chase that had Bob Costas crying at the start of Game 5 --

"We come to you live," he said sobbing, "to Madison Square Garden..."

Lisa would tell Hakeem no, I'm sorry, I can't marry you.

And so Hakeem would mope with Otis and the others back home to Houston, so that Hakeem could in fact get the destiny the NBA had coming to him.

He stood in his tux at the alter, waiting to see what ugly ho was walking next to him.

He lifts up the veil --

It's the NBA TITLE!!!!!!

Hakeem can't believe it.

He looks up at the throne to see the NBA looking at him and smiling.

And seconds later, pulling up next to the NBA with a smile in a tux of his own -- the man giving away this title -- Charles Barkley

And so he accepts it happily as the music plays.

The Houston Rockets were the 1994 NBA World Champions.

They had respect.

"Uh...your highness," said Otis. "We have that...part...yet..."


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