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Updated on June 13, 2011


All the respect that the game of basketball has ever garnered...has been fiercely earned.

Think about got football, baseball and hockey.

Hitting, punching, violence, danger, muscles, steroids, Ford tough, blah.

And yet...guys like Dwayne Wade and Michael Jordan and Lebron and Larry and Magic get to walk around like they're badasses and the same spectators who are aware of things like football baseball and hockey...agree.

The reason is because they're the lords of the mental. Not the physical.

What men like them are expected to do in the fourth quarter of a big time basketball game is to convey that they know they're the s-hit no matter what you say, or what has been proven as of late. You miss three shots, everyone starts going "you suck, you better pass it", are you going to be able to live with the repercussions of taking shot number four? Because if you miss, you will wonder if it was because you let your opponent get in your head. That's the difference between basketball players and everyone else. It might apply to baseball, for example when you're down with 2 outs in the ninth and have to get a hit...but he gets to sit down after about three minutes regardless. To be a guy who can lead during the fourth quarter of a basketball game consistently...well that's why NBA stars get so much and the other guys don't.

Just like you got your center...the other four positions on the court then have to compensate for their lack of center-like qualities. The shorter you are, the faster you must be. Because that's something the center sucks at. Shooting, dribbling, same thing.

The NBA Finals are about who's the mentally strongest.

It's a credit to how amazing these athletes are at athletics that they made it that far, because Dirk and LeBron and Dwayne Wade are so so so so good, but I wouldn't see either Larry Bird or Michael Jordan having a problem with any of these bitches TOMORROW.

Dirk Nowitzki entered the league in 1998. Hailed as the best player in the history of Europe, (uh, Peja and Tony Parker anyone?), Dirk proved to be a big cuddly romantic and a talented basketball player in a league of selfish prima donna wingnuts who play defense by pushing at your shoulder while you dribble. Poor Dirk would have the misfortune of arriving in Dallas at a time when they were being thoroughly revamped by the coolest free man on Earth next to Barack Obama. Meet...owner Mark Cuban.

Mark Cuban is the greatest thing there is.

Mark Cuban, first off, is a self made billionaire.

Mark Cuban, secondly, buys the Dallas Mavericks and throws money at it like it's Blockbuster Video.

Mark the reason that everyone for a year now has hated LeBron James.

Because Lebron...wanted to live like Dirk.

LeBron's the most incredible defensive player since Isiah Thomas, Allen Iverson, Larry Bird, Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen, and Dennis Rodman. When Derrick Rose pulled that cross-up on him in the closing seconds of Game 4 and he refused to be thrown off for a millimeter, I was convinced -- LeBron is as good of a defensive player as Kobe is an offensive player, and depending on which one you value more, that's who you take to be the best in the NBA today.

LeBron James is the East Coast Dirk Nowitzki. They're almost the same player, but one is cultured out East and black, and the other one is in the West and white. LeBron comes right at you, down the court, full force like L.A. Showtime. Dirk Nowitzki is a halfcourt player who is 100 percent reminiscent of the Boston Celtics driveway players. He's our best half court player today, by FAR the game's best passer, while there's not a brick wall in America that's gonna take a charge from LeBron James when he's coming down the floor to dunk on you.

The NBA all this time, rather then fixing big games and manipulating calls and big city markets, SHOULD and COULD have instead simply over-promoted and been all about LeBron versus Dirk. Unfortunately...

1) Cleveland vs. Dallas would have a television rating of basement.

2) They'd never get there anyway, because If Boston hadn't been handling LeBron, then San Antonio would have surely eliminated Dirk

3) Mark Cuban

LeBron James moved to South Beach because he didn't want to work so hard.

Because Dirk Nowitzki's on the Cuban cruiseliner and he's not working hard for sh-it.

Mark Cuban would, over the course of the last 11 years, build and rebuild the Dallas Mavericks in about 65 different ways. Mark Cuban of course knew that he was being accused of being a rotisserie manager with his all-star teams...but it wasn't amateurism...Cuban was cool enough to understand that when you have billions and consider this your toy, that's what you call an ADVANTAGE.

Rajan Rondo of the Boston Celtics is awesome as hell for going out there after messing up his elbow and playing. Know why? Because it was necessary. The Celtics owners barely like basketball. That's why Red Auerbach despised them and why they had to bring in Danny Ainge anyway...because they didn't hardly even KNOW basketball.

So they're not going to throw millions at the Celtics the way Mark Cuban will throw hundreds and hundreds of millions at the Mavericks.

And what resulted for the last fourteen years for the beautifully padded, luxuriously pampered Mavericks has, unfortunately, been the same as LeBron got this year in beautifully padded, luxurious pampered Miami.

People of all shapes and walks of life have entered LeBron James's circle to piss him off and lash out at him. It kills people that this perfect basketball player is electing to take a break and coast the rest of his career like this...particularly because they know that if he was hard to live with now, imagine how he'll be at the end of it all with all those rings...while only a back-up...

And this is what has been happening to Dirk Nowitzki. He'll never be able to do enough to prove he's a great basketball player when he's got eleven high-priced mercanaries year in and year out. PARTICULARLY when eleven years go by and he's still ringless.

The story of the 2011 season is basically that of the Miami Heat becoming basketball's late 80s San Francisco 49ers...before turning into a team led by Mark Cuban.

There was only one team I can remember that was an unfair to play as this Miami Heat bunch was those 49ers.

The poor Chicago Bulls will rise from the ashes with the great John Paxson still as general manager, putting together a nice yuppie team of pretty boys with heart. Just like the John.

Joakim Noah, Carlos BOOZER!!!!!!!!, Luol DENG!!!!, Taj GIBSON!!!, and the one and only...Derrick Rose.

Rose is precisely the embodiment of America's hopes and dreams. A guy barely 6 feet tall doing it his own god damn way, breaking down EVERY SINGLE NIGGA IN THE LIZZEAGUE NIGHT AFTER NIZZIGHT.

Derrick Rose was so good even Michael Jordan said he was good.

I'm not kidding. And it wasn't even like Jordan added something like: "Compared to players today, that is."

The Bulls finish the season tied with San Antonio for the league's best record, and then win the coin toss to get homecourt advantage throughout the Finals.

They take the Pacers and Hawks before the Miami Heat series, which was even more maddening then the Jay Cutler situation with the Bears back in Februrary when he stood on the sidelines letting one backup quarterback after another put Chicago deeper in a hole rather then having the sense to sit the hell down so people don't tweet that he's a pussy.

Chicago sports, up until the Miami Heat series, would be known this year for a quarterback who at least LOOKED like he quit on them.

During the Miami Heat series, Chicago would have another athlete on the sideline doing something that everyone got mad at -- Joakim Noah.

He called this dude a "f-ckin f-ggot" who was taunting him. TNT Sports caught it. He had to pay a fine and apologize and go to sensitivity classes with Tracy Morgan or something.

But the Bulls will only be down 2-1 at the end of regulation in Game 4. Know what I'm saying? Chicago, with it's superlative coaching from Tim Thibuodelesderiuaeux and great defensive players and hustle and smarts and Derrick Rose leading them...had, DEMONSTRATED THAT THEY WERE EVERY BIT AS GOOD AS THE MIAMI HEAT.

But things got annoying and unfair.

Chris Bosh.

This is why I can't stand Miami.

The Bulls had figured out how to contain Wade and James for a while.

So they simply let Bosh lead them.

Same crap the Miami Heat did on Christmas Day during their big mano e mano versus Kobe.

Everyone of them is someone who is willing to defer to someone else, and still act like they did it all themselves.

Then they go into the Finals and make asses of themselves by mocking Dirk Nowitzki's flu.

Then they get injured themselves and realize they can't say anything.

Then Dirk, rather then simply telling them in the press conference that they're "chokers" which would have been awesome given the result....he whines that they're immature. Awwww.

And I love how Dirk's teammates required this in order to help him. I didn't even realize he HAD teammates until about Game 5.

So suddenly, look what's coming out of the woodwork...the expensive, Mark-Cuban bought, Brazillian-red-wood-sauna-and-pool help him out.

Deshawn Stevenson

Shawn Marion

Tyson Chandler

Jason Terry

Jason Kidd

JJ Berea

I mean what the fuck did Dirk have to do to get you guys to move your stupid pampered pussy asses?

The Dallas Mavericks are the 2011 NBA World Champions.

At least we got to see Dirk's shooting coach from Germany in the stands. He was so happy. Good for you, my man. Clearly you were baller enough to end up being the shooting coach for world's greatest shooter, the master of multiple 15 point comebacks with not even 6 minutes left in the fourth quarters of huge games, the recipient of the Finals MVP award, and a nation in Europe that we all should be sending thank you notes to for sending us someone who laid those MOTHERF-CKERS FROM MIAMI OUT HA HA NOW YOU GOT A HUNDRED GAMES TO GO BEFORE YOU HAVE A CHANCE TO GET THIS TITLE AND THAT'S WHAT YALL GET FOR TAKING PAT RILEY FROM US HAHAHAHA. GO NEW YORK GO NEW YORK GO.

Carmelo, Amare and Chauncey and the New York Knicks in 2012. Unless it's either the Celtics or Derrick Rose.


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