Ten Rules of True Football Etiquette

Am I talking to “you,” when I say that you are a person with “two strikes against them?”

One, you are confused.

And two, (pardon me, please) you are a woman who actually “likes” football.

So why is “liking” football considered a strike?

Ever since a man somewhere said the second-most ignorant statement, “sweetie, liking football is a man thing.”

This very same man’s number one, blue-ribbon-winning statement that top’s his “sweetie, liking football is a man thing,” is, “this isn’t what it looks like.”

No wonder you walk around from the first of September until late January with that look of “someone please tell me what’s going on” smeared all over your face.

And no amount of Mary Kay can hide “this” look that is worn by numerous women who have boyfriends or husbands who idolize the sport of football.

Maybe you have went at learning all about the in’s and out’s of football the wrong way.

Maybe all of those self-help books at Books-a-Million in the sports area that you maxed-out your American Express to buy so you could learn about football was a huge mistake. Besides marrying or dating a man who will not take time to educate you on the finer things of football.

Things like “zone blitz,” “sack’s,” “pass interference,” and “pass interception.”

Oh, I admit that I should be more lenient toward the guys who savor each moment of each football season, and if I appear harsh, I am sorry.

These guys must have a good reason as to why they have never taught you, the ladies of America who “really like” football what is happening on every Saturday, Sunday and Monday night on your television screen, for (am I right, ladies?), they never say, “hun, come here and watch the Rams play the Vikings and “I” will teach you all about the sport of football?

Here are a few more once-believable reasons men have used and still use when their wives or girlfriends ask them to teach them about football.
1. Football is too complicated.
2. Teaching you would take too long.
3. I don’t have time.
4. More to football than meets the eye.
5. Hun, there’s too much to remember.
6. The rules have changed so much that even “I” get confused.

If you want my opinion, I think all of these reasons be easily-thought of as insults toward women.

I can see that I am treading on soft ground here and friends, I do not want to be blamed for starting a “war” between males and females on learning the sport of football, so I will continue with my story.

Actually, ladies who crave to learn why a “3-4 defense” is harder for offensive lines to manage than a standard “4-3” defense, I might have the answer to your dilemma.

I mean, I am not Dr. Phil, but I do share his non-licensed title of a “doctor.” I think I can help you ladies learn about football and give you and your boyfriend or husband something else in common.

What you need is my “Ten Rules Of True Football Etiquette,” and you will be well on your way to knowing what your husband or boyfriend and his beer-guzzling, popcorn-devouring buddies are cheering about each time there is a football game in town or on television.

Say, aren’t you glad that you started reading my story?

Rule No. 1: Never ask your husband or boyfriend “anything” about football while he is watching a game alone or with his buddies. In either instance, he will, I promise, chuckle and say something like I put in my list above. Try it and see if “I” am right or not.

Rule No. 2: Never ask any of his buddies while they are watching a football game with your husband or boyfriend. Why? This will easily drive a wedge between you and him because now he will think that you trust his buddies more than him. And my dear ladies who like football, I am just sparing you many days of coldness, passive aggressiveness and him ignoring you just because you asked, “Bill,” what an “end around” was supposed to be.

Rule No. 3: Never say things that a girl would normally say when watching a football game in-person or on television. “why is that man wearing black and white stripes? Ewwwww!” Or, “those cheerleaders are so fake.” If you want to learn about football, you have to think and act like a man. Being “girlie,” may be sexy, but sexy never taught any woman about Lovie Smith and his Chicago Bears of the National Football League (NFL).

Rule No. 4: “If,” your boyfriend or husband agrees to teach you about this sport, get yourself a notebook and write everything he says (about football) down in ink. This will serve two purposes. One, it will prove to him that you are really interested in learning about football and two, it will be a reference for you to look at the next time you two watch a game together.

Rule No. 5: Be as “quiet as a church mouse,” throughout the three and a half hour football game. Yes, three and a half hours. I know. A woman’s mind is much-sharper than her man’s mind and four fifteen-minute quarters does add up to sixty-minutes, or one hour. But with the commercials, time-outs, overtimes, and halftime shows, a one-hour football game can start at 1 p.m. and be over at 6:30 p.m. the same night.

Rule No. 6: Do not be tempted to call your best girlfriend on your cellphone during a game and chat for long periods of time about your new panties or bra that you found on sale at Victoria’s Secret. And never giggle. These are both severe-distractions to your “teacher,” your boyfriend or husband, so by being quiet will prove to him that you respect him and his sport that is so powerful that it paralyzes his kidneys so he will not be able to get up and go to the bathroom.

Rule No. 7: It might be best for you and your male companion to have a “football education session,” when you two are alone. You can buy a DVD of most any football game online and let your husband or boyfriend “walk you through” each segment of the game. This way, no hurt feelings, jealousy, or being scorned (by him) for choosing some good girl talk with “Janey Sue Dixon,” over a crucial play-off game between the Green Bay Packers and The New England Patriots.

Rule No. 8: I mentioned the New England Patriots for a reason. If your husband or boyfriend is watching the New England Patriots do battle with the Seattle Seahawks (some battle), do not and I mean do not remark, “that Tom Brady they keep talking about is sure a hot-looking guy,” or you will be exiled from being taught anything about football. Men hate to be “bested” or compared with other guys--even those on television, so keep your remarks about Brady’s butt to yourself.

Rule No. 9: Ask your boyfriend or husband “this” magic question and watch the “doors of football wisdom” in his head begin to open for you. “Honey, how did you learn all of this stuff about football?” You have complimented his male ego and made him “feel” superior. Hey, sometimes sacrifices need to be made if you want to learn something new.

Rule No. 10: Never, and I mean never, either in front of his buddies or when you are alone with your boyfriend or husband, show-off “your” newly-found football knowledge. Oh, at first, it might be hot. Even cute. But after a certain length of time, it will grow old. Quickly. And your male companion will start watching his games alone.

And that is no fun for anyone.

Ready, ladies?

Okay. Ready, set . . .

hut, hut!

Sincerely,
Kenneth “Pigskin” Avery