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The Art And Science of Capture The Flag

Updated on August 30, 2020

Abstract

What does it mean to be a team? More specifically, what does it mean to be a capture the flag team (often defined as street gang or militia)? In the duration of the 2014/2015 school year Mr. Robert Arnett and his alternate day class of insatiable rabid wolves (later described as “Arnetians”) decided that they would go on a quest, a journey given to them by God, to figure it out once and for all. It wasn’t by any means easy. There was constant bloodshed, tears, and there was a hell of a lot clothing loss. At one point in a heated battle between the Arnetians and those under the reign of She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named, the enemy tried to bring the Mighty Arnetians down by calling them such names as “Sociopathic Homosexual Virgin Child Molesters”, or “Gay”, but to no avail. Now you may be asking yourself, “How did these rabid god-like human beings of great intellect and strength survive the constant torment and clothing tears?” or “Did the mighty Arnetians complete their quest to godliness and discover what it meant to be a capture the flag team?” All in soon time young padawan. Now join me on a journey into the minds, hearts, and souls of the mighty Arnetians and their journey to world domination in the art and science of capture the flag.

The Origin of Capture the Flag

Before we dive in to The Arnetians journey to godliness, let us first take the time to learn and reflect upon the origins of capture the flag. This heavenly game of wit and strength is said to have roots in the American Civil War, where the soldiers knew that a battle was over when they saw that they had captured the enemy’s flag. This was considered a vital part of war and went much deeper than just the emotional aspect of protecting your country’s flag, but rather it determined who won or lost the battle. That’s not to say that the soldiers did not have an emotional attachment to the flags because often times they did. Soldiers believed that by protecting their flag they were representing their regiment and home state, or often time’s specific part of said state. Often times once a battle was won, the soldiers would parade around with the flag and use it a hefty morale booster. Similar to the game, (although most likely extremely less fun) the amount of deaths and casualties did not determine the winner of these said battles and was only over when one side retrieved the opposing side’s flag. It is rumored that some brave soldiers have even risked their lives to retrieve the opponent’s flag, and defend their own. In fact some would be given the Medal of Honor for such a heroic act.

The flags themselves, on and off of the battle field, also were very crucial to each given side. It marks where you were to stand, the regiment you were in, and to command and rally the soldiers when the sounds of the bugle or yells of the head honcho were blended with those of the battle. The importance of the flag was proclaimed in many songs of that era; one that is very prominent is the song “The Battle Cry of Freedom” which says in it that the boys will gather around said flag, and the like. Due the importance of these flags, when they were transported there were often two soldiers guarding the flag, and two soldiers each guarding those soldiers. Due to the importance of the flag, those who were assigned to guard said flag were considered high up in the social pyramid, and where often times considered something like a town hero. This is because of the sheer bravery that it took to be a flag guard. You could not break position no matter where the enemy was, so if they were advancing towards the flag, you would not be allowed to move and retreat, you would stand and protect your flags honor. I can image these flag guarders were some pretty badass fellas if they could take army and not even flinch when they attacked. I imagine they were of the same breed as Batman or Superman. Now, that’s not to say that these people never died because they often times did. Due to the extreme importance of the flag, and the heavy amount of artillery shot at the flag, the mortality rate was quite high for the said flag guards. Now to lose the said flag was considered such a disgrace that the entire regiment would be in disgrace and in shame.

Now this game has been played by children, boycotts, everyday humans and Arnetians for over 60 years and is to be quite frank, is the greatest game ever to be devised. Now that we know a brief history of this game created by the gods, lets us discuss the beginning of the story of the 2014/2015 alternate day savages know as The Arnetians.


The Arnetians Early Stages

It started out as what appeared to be just another year with just another gym class to those watching from the outside, and even too many of those on the inside of the group. As the first month went on, the group of blood thirsty savages quickly became closer than another group on the history of the earth ever has been or ever will be. What started out as a simple game of retrieving the opponent’s flags quickly became a lifestyle. Now, I don’t know what your prior knowledge of “lifestyles” is, but you don’t choose it, it chooses you. In the early games many of the Arnetians who were on the less athletic side of the spectrum resorted to standing off to the sides and avoiding drawing attention to themselves. The more athletic Arnetians would go out and retrieve the flag. It appeared to be just a simple game and nothing was out of the ordinary. We didn’t think we had anything special and neither did anybody else, I mean, we didn’t even have matching shirts. But as the year went on this all changed. We devised a slogan that perfectly stood for what we were, Balls Deep. Some would also say the phrase “KEF”, which stood for “Keep Enemy Flaccid”. They also were able to boast having “the greatest defense in all the Americas and the middle east.” Another common occurrence rose of one particularly good-looking fellow asking on a daily basis if the game was full contact, and whether or not the answer was yes, it was full contact. In the middle of the first semester the Arnetians decided to wear their Arnetianness on a sort of badge of honor. To fix the previously said issue of no matching t-shirt we all purchased match uniforms or jerseys. To the Arnetians dismay, they would not be able to wear them for a few weeks, because as the weather got colder and snow began to fall upon us from the heavens the Arnetians moved their activities in to the swimming pool to practice such skills as swimming or lifeguarding. This is where I personally feel we discovered our deeply ingrained love and passion of capture the flag. When it was threatened that if people did not bring their swimming apparel that “CTF Friday” would be cancelled, let’s just say those people who didn’t bring their gear were kind of hated, not hazed or anything, but people were kind of pissed at them. The Mighty Arnetians endured though, knowing that at the end of the day the pool was only making them stronger and more agile. After much work and practice the group tenacious Arnetians were finally ready to re-enter their natural habitat of the capture the flag game. This time there were no worthy opponents to go against, so they went against the hardest enemy of them all. Themselves. The epic battle now known as “CTF Christmas Edition” was one of the greatest wars every witnessed by human eyes. You could see in the Arnetians eyes the thirst for blood and hunger for taste of human flesh. They quickly were broken up into teams and entered the wooded fortress that was their battle field. I don’t remember what the final score was, but I do remember this. It was a war like no other. There were friendships broken, and friendships formed. There was bloodshed, frozen snot and even a lost tooth (not really but that would have been pretty sick). At the end of the game everybody loved everybody, something Jackie Moon would have loved to see. There are very few sites that are caught on camera of such insatiable, unrelenting onslaught between two groups of people of the same family. There was one photo taken of the entire group of Arnetians before this great battle, and let me tell you, it’s the stuff that haunts you at night. I mean this is what the definition of a nightmare is. One person reportedly entered into a coma and shortly died after view this image. I don’t recommend you should the below image to a child or it will scar them for life:

The pure savagery in that image is breath taking. Notice the three on the left summoning some sort of force to take over their bodies and give them powers not yet know to this universe. Notice those in military attire, ready for war in their newly purchased t-shirts. While notice all the great energy and war like mentality of the above image, do also take into account that Jake Henriques is not is his proper position, a trend that will continue until the end of time. At this point they were blind warriors savagely attacking each other’s battlegrounds in attempts to defeat the opposing sides. That was soon to change. After witnessing such an onslaught, supreme ruler Robert Arnett declared a war never seen by the establishment of Minnechaug Regional High School. He declared, a Civil War.

Civil War

“Look at your young men fighting
Look at your women crying
Look at your young men dying
The way they've always done before”

-W. Axl Rose

This was a war far different from anything the Arnetians or their supreme ruler Robert Arnett had ever seen. The sides were quickly chosen and the battle that ensued was brutal. Each side had chosen a leader to which the team would be named after. One team was declared “Team Tess” after their great leader by the name of Brian Tessacini, and the other declared “Team Crev” after their valiant leader Jacob Crevier. The teams were evenly balanced and quickly began to show their strengths and weaknesses. The battle would ensue in different locations, under different environments, and sometimes with different players. The previously boasted “greatest defense in all the Americas and the middle east”, was broken up between the mighty Arnetian known as Jacob Coite on team Tess and the Italian Stallion and Matt Wietsma being placed on the opposing side, team Crev. It also proved to show each individual’s strengths. For example, prior to this the Arnetians would have never guess that Josh Lynn was so good at pulling flags, or that Tyco was such a savage on the offensive line. The Arnetians also learned that Jeff is actually more difficult to pull than one would assume. Throughout the battles each team began growing stronger and more aggressive. Each team began to grow closer as a family and stronger as a team. They slowly became closer to their goal of Divine Knowledge of the lifestyle that is Capture the flag.

As the war raged on there were many betrayals and many new faces admitted into the Arnetian family tree. Matt “Benedict Arnold” Garbecki became notorious for switching sides between teams and often times leaving in times of need. This allowed for the trade between Matt and The Playmaker Josh Lynn to happen. While at first I was skeptical of Josh’s abilities and to be quite frank his attitude, he quickly showed to be a vital force in defeating Team Crev and their newly stolen member. I could be wrong, but isn’t betrayal punishable by death in some culture, not that I’m bitter or anything, but jeez, that sucked. Allot. As for new faces the occasional additions of Andrew Allard, David Adamski, Jesse Kellner and many other proved itself to be beneficial for both teams. Which in way contradicts itself, because if something is beneficial for your enemy wouldn’t that be unbeneficial for you, and yet the other team member became more beneficial? I digress. As these battles continued the teams began to search for new battle grounds to destroy and enthrust in battle. Some places would throw off some people games, some would benefit them. You see it all created this sense of accomplishment in the give ranks. The Arnetians became the likes of the robot at the beginning of The Incredibles. This over course is in reference to the robot that quickly watches its opponents every move and uses them against them constantly getting better at its designed task. As the war between the Arnetians continued, CTF Friday quickly became an everyday thing. It was during this time that the Arnetians realized that Capture the Flag was much more than just a game. They saw that what they were doing was something unlike anything seen before them. It was something much bigger then each individual. They began to battle each other for the purpose of training rather than battling for the purpose of winning, knowing that each opposing side was the only adequate enemy to the other and that combining forces would later prove The Arnetians to be near indestructible. This was an idea that was beyond comprehension to the other classes; they didn’t understand the true meaning and power behind such a game. They didn’t understand the brute force and borderline insanity that was need to take part in such a game. The Arnetians understood though, and that’s all that really mattered. Literally. It began to consume them, devouring their mind until all that they thought about was their next battle the following day. They began to strategize in small groups on ways to defeat their enemies. They began to learn new ways of fending off infiltrators and fend off those fending off them. At one point the battle was taken out side of the game between the Arnetians Matt Garbecki and Jacob Coite. The fire was burning at such a temperature within them that they let loose on to each other, ending up on the ground tackling each other with no mercy. They quickly formed a rivalry not yet settled until just the other day, where Matt Garbecki reigned over supreme over Jacob Coite. The Arnetians were quickly growing bored of dealing with the same opponents due to their knowledge of each opposing army was growing into many stale mates and things of the like. This caused the supreme ruler Robert Arnett to step in for a select few games. People often ask what my opinion on civil war was and to them I say “My hands are tied the billions shift from side to side and the wars go on with brainwashed pride for the love of God and our human rights and all these things are swept aside by bloody hands time can't deny and are washed away by your genocide and history hides the lies of our civil wars.” You see, I don’t need your civil war, it feeds the rich while it buries the poor your power hungry sellin' soldiers in a human grocery store. Ain't that fresh?
I don't need your civil war. Anyway, these games were brutal for the team Tess, causing so much energy and frustration that each individual player began to play at a level not yet seen by any of the fellow Arnetians. One person even went as far as to ravenously tackle (or rather attempt to tackle) the supreme ruler Robert Arnett, grabbing at anything he could grab including keys, pockets, id badges etc. After the battles with the supreme ruler Robert Arnett, the games went back to being what they previously were. (Note: The Arnetians did not stop enjoying the lifestyle that was known as capture the flag; they rather began to long for a different opponent or to join forces with each other.) As this trend continued to grow more and more of an issue, The Arnetians began to speak to their supreme ruler Robert Arnett about going against other class or armies. The Arnetians were then forced into a compromise where they played other retrieval games and games such as dodge ball. While these were in good fun for The Arnetians, as it was full contact and retrieving things, it was not the same as the lifestyle and borderline gang-violence of the greatest game ever be held by a mortal being, Capture the Flag.

These demands were eventually met and a game was scheduled against The Arnetians mortal enemy (who shall remain nameless at this time). The other army was completely annihilated by The Arnetians sheer wit and power. They were thrown off guard by the aggressiveness of The Arnetians and had to eventually resort to cheating in a weak attempt at beating The Arnetians, but The Arnetians reign supreme over them, as they had always know. The opposing side began to banter and try and deteriorate The Arnetians moral by calling them names such as “Sociopathic Homosexual Virgin Child Molesters” and even blaspheming the sacred name of capture the flag. I do have to say, while “Sociopathic Homosexual Virgin Child Molesters” is kind of funny to think that The Arnetians were called that, but to honest I don’t understand what any of those things have to do with capture the flag, or anything we actually did in that game. I mean, I guess they could be saying The Arnetians “raped” them but even that really doesn’t make any sense and is a little inapropriate. Anyway, The Arnetians had finally had the outlet we had been looking for in the great game of capture the flag. The civil war had ended and the subsequent battle was beyond spectacular, but one thing could be improved. The strategy. While, as discussed earlier, The Arnetians had begun to strategize in small groups, the whole team had not yet really sat down to strategize and form a battle plan. Supreme ruler Robert Arnett then devised a plan to enter the room in which you are taught about the body and learn “military terminology” and various battle strategies and war tactics. What happened in that room is strict confidential, but I am able to share the bare basics of what The Arnetians were taught on that sacred day.

The Science of Capture the Flag

A: Defense of The Flag

  1. It is important is important to keep a solid group of individuals surrounding the flag at all times. You must build a strong barrier to intimidate the other team. Yelling with also help accomplish the intimidation:


  • Notice how they stand with such confidence and have a look in their eye that just says, “You don’t want to mess with us.”
  • Also take into consideration the amount of bodies that they have. Notice that they are of various shapes and sizes to accommodate to any possible threat to the flag. Now obviously The Arnetians would absolutely slaughter these individuals, but they do have the right idea on how to set up a defense around the flag.
  • One of the biggest mistakes people make is taking for granted the people who are on the flag. Often times they are pegged as not doing anything, but in many cases they can become some of the most important players on a team. If you don’t have enough bodies on the flag, or if you have too many then often times you will find yourself either with no defense or no offense. It becomes really difficult to fend off the other team of five or six individuals when only three people are the flag (four if Jake decided to listen). I speak from experience saying that often times that is the demise of a team and should really have more focus than it does normally.
  • Please note that no matter what this picture depicts, 90% of the time guns are not allowed in the game of Capture the Flag. Although, I have to admit that would be pretty sick.


  1. Now, if Jake Henriques or the like is on your team they will probably disregard any type of order and be out of position thus causing an instance where you may need to yell as loud as you possibly can to notify him of his misplacement and guide him back to his designated position. Also if someone, say, Jeff, is talking or even not doing anything at all that would warrant being disciplined, you may need to also command hit to be quiet, or “Shut up” to intimate the other team by tricking them into think you are a complete savage and will eat their face if they approach, which, for the record, is not 100% wrong. When in said position you should yell like so:
  • Notice the posture of this individual. He is bent over in order to open up his vocal passages and work up his way to a larger sound. His mouth is wide open and ready to release any noises that he pleases and at any given volume.
  • Also take note the look in his eyes. If you have someone like Jake Henriques on your team you need to assert them your power, while yelling will do that partly, if you don’t have that menacing glare that the fellow above you will not do anything.
  • Take a minute and look directly into the photos eyes. You can clearly see he has meaning behind his yelling. That’s another thing. Meaning. If you don’t have meaning don’t yell. That’s my philosophy at least.
  1. Another crucial thing to take in account for those on the flag is the art of tackling. If you are put on the flag you absolutely need to be able to full on tackle people at the drop of a dime. I mean, if you can’t do a simple task like that, get off the flag. You’re just wasting everybody’s time. Observe the individual below:


  • Notice the form. He grabs the stomach and takes him down. You can tell he’s not afraid to get down and dirty and get this person out. He sees what he what’s and he gets it, this is more than just applicable to Capture the flag. This should be what you do in everyday life, if you want a raise command that your boss give it to you. You see capture the flag is more than just a game. It is a way of life. Even though the individual in the image above are not “technically” playing capture the flag, it is still applicable. This is just a basic “tackle” maneuver, but there are many specific ways that one can approach tackling.
  • Some appropriate ways to tackle are:
    • The Back Tackle: To be used when the opponent is getting away, but not so fast you need to grab them and rip their clothing off of their body, as seen in the “Clothing tear tackle” later in the essay.
    • The Slam Tackle: This is to be used when you are bull rushed or the opponent is being too slow and you are hungry for human flesh. So, to speed things up a little bit, you jump at them or just dive and hope for the best. This is also good for anyone who is on the defense just outside the flag guard territory.


  • The Clothing Tear This is a technique that can be used when the person is escaping with the flag or you just want to take it to THAT LEVEL. It is quite simple in nature, if someone is running you grab hold of their clothing and you do not let go no matter how many poles they run you into or how many times they hit you in the face with a bat. It is also optional to try and get their flag, but to be honest that is not the objective of this tackle, this tackle is to slow them down long enough that you can eventually disorient them enough to get the flag, it’s not go for flag right off the bat, you’ll get out every time and lose the game. Granted if the other team has gotten that far you probably would lose any way, but if you’re ripping clothes of someone’s body, I doubt you really care about that very small aspect.

(Note: This is only to be used when the opponent is escaping with the flag and you need to slow them down.)(Also note that the “clothing tear tackle” is the intellectual property of Jacob Alexander Coite I and anyone who uses it without permission will be killed.)


B. Defense around the Flag:

Now, for those of you who are on the defense, but tend to remain on the field just around those on the flag to capture and dominant any “stragglers” from infiltrating the said flag’s vicinity, this is a more direct strategy for you. While you may be able to apply the tackling methods to your Capture the flag life, you are probably still a little stumped on how to carry yourself outside the 3 yard radius of the flag.

First off, a tip that I always tell people is to go off in groups of three- five people. Now, if you have six in your group, break up into two groups. Now, the reason for this is so that you always have the upper hand when one or two people run off and try to get the flag on their own. Now, if you have less than three you are very likely to both get out, while if you have six, that’s a whole other group that could be covering more ground, thus lessening the chances that the other team will break through and get the flag, winning the battle. If there are just two people the offender will easily be able to focus on one individual without really needing to worry too much about getting out from the other person because if they are fast enough they can easily get one person out before the other has time to react. You see capture the flag at its core is a game of wit. If you can outsmart the other team into thinking that they are inferior than you, then they will over think every one of their actions, and when you start to over think you lose sight of some things, which in turn causes you to fall back and get pulled. This should also be a lesson to you fellas, never over think and lose sight of anything, because that will be the end of you.

Now, when you are in your group of three and you see someone coming towards as a challenge never, and I mean never stand directly adjacent to each other. What you need to do is surround him or her at 12 o’clock, 9 o’clock and 3 o’clock, and if you have a four person, have them take up the rear. Now that said offender is completely surrounded their less focused on one person, lowering the chances that they will effectively get them out, and are surrounded so if they try and escape the tight grasp that you have on them you can easily collapse and take him down. Now, at this point you have probably used this method on five or six individuals, and at that point they will stop sending in “the straggler, kamikaze-type-esk militia, guerrilla warfare, and tactical-esk people” and begin to send in small groups of people. At which point to begin to join up with other groups and corner them or surround them form a type of line (See Matt Garbecki Interview). Now if you are unable to surround them and they are advancing fast, you need to pull a sling shot maneuver. Create a u around them, and call over people from the offense. You will probably want to come up with some sort of bird call prior to your battle such as the old-spice jingle, or screaming the words “Microsoft office”. Anyway, that will notify the offense to come back and strike them in the rear and get them out. In the time they are doing that, swing around the front to block them from making a hasty escape when they see that you have surrounded them in the front.

Now, sometime the opposing side will see it come and turn around to run back, but if you did the maneuver right then they will have nowhere to go. Boom, slingshot. Now, I am aware that I completely botched that explanation, but come on. If you’re so into capture the flag you’re reading a manual you know what a slingshot maneuver is. And if you don’t, sorry I could not be of more assistance, I’m a flag guy. Anyway I digress.

There is one point that I feel is crucial to the game of Capture the Flag. One thing I also yell to people, and that they just don’t seem to understand is the concept of full contact. Full Contact does not mean that you stand around and dance with the other teaming. It means you get your ass in there and get dirty. You pulling flags, you break bones, and you get stuff done. If you’re corning some one 3-1 go get them! Don’t stand around, bull rush them, jump on them; I don’t care what you do just take them out of the game. Why have it be full contact if only a handful of soldiers do it? You need to grow a pair and take one for the team. If you have the opportunity to tackle someone, go for it. If someone’s bigger than you, who cares? It grows character. If you just stand around and we lose, I don’t care who was the person on the flag or in the depths of the battle, it is your fault. If you got over yourself and got into it we could have run. Now obviously in the past few months the Arnetians have not had to deal with an issue of people not living the full contact lifestyle, but sometimes when they combine forces there are some slugs that just get me all heated up, and I just sometimes need to vent because, I mean, come on! Its capture the flag! Why the hell wouldn’t you take it like it life or death? It has been proven to be life or death in some cases, specifically during the civil war. Those fellas didn’t die in war in the most intense game of capture the flag ever known to man just for you to stand in the corner and watch people hurt each other. It is you’re civic to duty to take the other team down. I mean seriously. What else are you supposed to be doing in the game? I know I’m being a little repetitive, but nothing pisses me off more than when another class joins the Arnetians and just sits around pulling up the grass waiting for our team to win and then complaining when or if we don’t, which of course will never happen because the Arnetians are gods amongst men and will never lose, because that’s how we role. Anyway, I digress.

I guess the main thing that I would want to you to take away from this section is to not allow them to create and instill an offensive line. Now, while some people may be wondering what that offensive line is. Well, to learn that, continue on to the next sections and learn how to properly formulate an offensive line, and once you know how to effectively do that, you will know how to effectively stop any similar excursions from taking places and infiltrating to your flag.

Offense: The Garbecki Interview

Now, given that I am exclusive to the flag guarding position, I am not aware of the certain techniques that one must apply when on the offensive side of the Capture the Flag tournaments. So, for help and guidance on this matter I turned to one of the greatest offense-men in the history of the game, Capture the Flag. I interviewed Matthew Brian Robert Garbecki asking the questions that I felt truly had place in this interview. Here is the uncut, unabridged, uncensored transcript of said interview:

Interviewer (I): It’s on.

Matt Garbecki (MG): (Laughs) We’re gonna be making a ton of mistakes and you’re gonna transcribe all of them.

I: Yeah, it’s recording now.

MG: (Incomprehensible)

I: (Incomprehensible)

MG: It’s already going on?

I: Uh-huh.

MG: Oh my…

I: Alright, so, Matthew, what are…?

MG: You can call me Matt.

I: What are some of your strategies that you apply when you are on the offensive side of the god-like game of Capture the Flag?

MG: Now, Coite, there are a plethora of methods that I like to use when I am on offense. My personal opinion is to play an offensive defense. Is, is what I do. And by that I- my primary objective is nee- not to get the flag, but rather to eliminate the other team, cause when your able to get out the other team, then its nee- significantly easier to get their flag. So, there are various methods to do this, and it all depends on who’s on your team and who’s on the other team, so you wanna mat- there’s always gonna be a lineup of big players, there’s always a stale mate of a line, it’s gonna be in the middle left or right side. You gotta get that. You gotta get that going. Gotta make sure you’ve got the proper people there, that you have the methods to win that fight. You gotta win it! Not necessarily have numbers but you gotta have the right strategic people there, and you know, you gotta get some good pullers there; you gotta play the line well. Second… Do you want, do you want me to talk about playing lines on offense right now, or do you want me to go continue about general offense strategy?

I: Umm… well, why don’t you continue on general and then move on to that topic?

MG: Then move on to that topic. Ok. So, continuing with general, there’s always gonna be that line there, and you need to, you need to win that line, but we-we’ll discuss that in a second, alright Coite. Sooo, other, so. Outside of the line you’re gonna have the straggler, kamikaze-type-esk militia, guerrilla warfare, tactical-esk peop- and they’re the ones that are gonna be trying to come in from behind and pull people in that line, and then there’s other, then everybody’s kind of floating around outside of that, you gotta, gotta have some good people there, gotta get some big pulls outside of the line, that way you can collapse people into the line afterwards, push them back, and then push the entire other team back, and kind of go up in a (Motions with hands), you see this motion I’m doing with my hands? I don’t know if you can transcribe that (Continues motioning).

I: I only can transcribe the words. It’ll say “Motions with hands”.

MG: (Laughs) Ok. So, motions with hands (Motions with hands) -esk way to get up to the flag. And really, I just, I just really feel you need to pull out the other team before you can go in and get it. Cause otherwise you go in, prematurely, they collapse, they have not been flaccid and all of a sudden, Mmm. They cut it.

I: You gotta keep the penis soft.

MG: (Laughs quietly as if aroused) That is not wrong. You are not wrong in that point. (Pauses) KEF all the way. That’s all I gotta say. Alright.

I: Now on to the topic of the two lines of strong players going at it.

MG: Mmm.

I: Continue on that topic.

MG: Alright, on that topic. So, you got your two lines forming parallel to each other. The point of that is the outsides a close- you’re sticking that in my mouth (Cough) The- (Laughs) So, the outside parts of the line are crucial, that’s where you’re gonna, that’s where you’re gonna make or break yourself. In the middle, if you lurch up to far, you might get a pull, but it’s highly likely you’re gonna get pulled yourself, because you’re gonna be, you’re gonna be pulling on person and there’s gonna be two people lined up on either side of you to be able to pulled your flag, versus on the outside if you take the outside approach and kind of curve outward and go back inwards towards them, you’re able, you have, they have one flag exposed to you, while you have none exposed to them. So that’s what you want to do is get that outside approach and move inwards into their line to try and pull them from the outside in, get enough people so that their intimidated, but you know they think are line is better than theirs and that they start baking up. When they start backing up… Boom. Boom, you gotta pounce, you gotta. Some of them are gonna, some of them are gonna flee, some of them you gotta tackle, you got take them down right there, you gotta… you… uh uh (Motions with hands)

I: You gotta pump off the horse.

MG: You do. You do. And you gotta, you just gotta get them out right then and there. Get out as many as you can from there on, if you’ve pulled enough people, uh. A two for one deal is never a bad thing. If you at that point in the stage, if you’ve done all the steps correctly, they might have a couple big players left, a couple mediocre, a couple regular people and if you got more big players then they do then you gotta take two big players for one player and be willing to sacrifice your own to get them out, and then move inwards, because once they’re out, their teams done, their teams done. You go in there, you either continue distracting or you get out players like Brian, Crev. You go in there send in, send in the more, send in the troops and you gotta grab anyone out that’s guarding the flag itself, it’s only gonna be four to five people. A two to three peo- person approach is normally ideal to surround them, pull them out, not necessarily get them all out, but enough so you can get the flag and run, because once you got that flag and you’re running, no- no one’s catching you. No one’s getting… very rare, Coite, that I see someone get the flag and get pulled while they’re running. Unless of course they are slowed down by someone grabbing their t-shirt, ripping it off their body per say, that’s… that’s the only really times that I see it happen.

I: Pulling a- a “clothing tear tackle”?

MG: Yes, a “clothing tear tackle”.

I: As stated earlier in the investigative report.

MG: Yes. I’m unfamiliar with the rest of the report, but yass.

I: So, now the question that’s on everybody’s minds, and I think you know what this is, are you going to be in wind ensemble next year?

MG: Alright, this is NOT related to Capture the- I will bring this matter to CTF! I will bring this matter to CTF! I’LL BRING THIS BACK TO CTF.

I: You know what? You know what?

MG: (Incomprehensible Nonsense)(Crash heard in background) Tackle! Tackle! He is tackling me! I swear to God Coite! Coite! This is band class! (Thud heard) Oh my god! (Laughs) He hit the closet! He hit the closet! (Laughs) We are wrestling in a drum set! I am now running. Oh my God. Oh my God. I am running away around the class, and it’s still recording! Good lord! Good lord Coite! It’s still going. Oh my God. Oh. Oh boy. Oh boy. No. No! No. He’s running at me again. Oh my. I’m on the ground. I… Alright, I juked him! I juked him! (Laughs) I juked him! I juked him! Keep going! Keep going! Anyway, to answer Coite’s question, earlier, now I am not going to be in wind ensemble regarding CTF, I believe that if I remain in symphonic band CTF will be a completely different, than if I join wind ensemble for it will be Brian, Crev, still in the symphonic band gym class and they would still be the captains there, however, Tyco’s gone, if I’m gone it’s a completely different, completely different game right there. You know? It’s gonna be some different match ups, rank up, you’re gonna have different people to consolidate. Wind ensemble, Tyco, and any, and any type of pulling of the flag game will be dominant in the wind ensemble group. As would I be if I moved there, I don’t… Oop Tyco is now joining the interview.

(Tyco Joins Interview)

T: Matt is joining wind ensemble, he has confirmed that.
MG: I have not.

T: He has.

MG: I have not.

T: You certainly have.

(Tyco exits Interview)

MG: I have not. However he does, he does feel strongly… oh… Coite is now tricking me to pull me in and let’s see how this goes. I don’t believe that, I don’t believe that he says has to give me some type of music. (Sound of two people hitting the ground) Are you kidding me? I added some more comments. What’s up? What’s good fam? (Thud) Oh my… what? (Laughs) What? Yeah… I took my music from you. (Sung) Any way you want it! (Spoken again) Yeah so, Coite, any other questions?

I: No, I think that’s all.

(Incomprehensible)

MG: I’m the first one!

(Incomprehensible)

I: One sec, how long has this been going?

MG: Nine minutes and Fifty-five seconds. He’s transcri- he’s transcribing all of this.

(Incomprehensible)

MG: Offensive strategy. I said- uhp uhp! (Sound of two bodies colliding) He’s tackling me! (Rustling noises) No it’s not! It’s never over! (A body thud is heard in the background we hear Matt say the words “Oh my God” one last time off in the distance before the recording is cut off)

The Art of Capture the Flag

You at this point are either vividly intrigued by the artistry displayed in this report, forced to read through grading purposes or you have stopped many pages ago. If you are one of the former you may be thinking two things at this point. First, what the heck is up with the Arnetians at this point, and how do we apply the avalanche of knowledge just unleashed upon us into the game of Capture the Flag? The former will be answered in good time, do not worry. The latter will be answer right spanking now.

While all of this info is all fine and good, it doesn’t really make you a great Capture the Flag player just by having book knowledge; even becoming a machine with the maneuvers doesn’t necessarily make you a great Capture the Flag player. There’s an art to it, a craft if you will. It is for this reason that nobody can currently beat the Arnetians in the game made for gods. So, you’re probably thinking well, what’s the secret? How do I become a master? Well, the short answer is you don’t. CTF is a gift you are either born with or born without, that’s just the sad truth to it. Although, there are some things that can help you become a better capture the flag player.

As with anything, you can’t be chained down by the book knowledge, because everyday new things are discovered that were not there the day before, thus out dating the books themselves, and CTF is no different. While this is the greatest capture the flag paper written in the history of ever, one day it will be completely obsolete. So, you need to take these teachings and build off of them and form your own techniques.

Now the artistry to said game of Capture the flag is difficult to describe with words. It is really something that is often times over looked, in all sports or really anything. You need to feel the game. Never just go in bored or feeling already defeated. The game is all about attitude and wit, and if you already set yourself up for failure than the game is already over. Also, remember, every player is equally important in this game the man on the flag is no less important than the man getting the opposing flag, and if you treat every player with that in mind the morale will go up exponentially and every game, win or lose will feel great. Which obviously is not the point of the game, the point is to win, but there’s really no use feeling sour about it after said game. Third, you need to keep your mind on the task at hand. It’s ok to try and get as many out as possible, but in just an everyday game of Capture the Flag you need to focus on protecting your flag and getting the opponents, once you get that concept, you’re really all set.

Now, here are some scenarios that will provide you with a better understanding of how to really apply all of these methods into a game: (All scenarios are fictional; any and all correlation to any real life occurrence is completely coincidence)

  • Gary, Larry, and Harry are in a defensive group towards the North West end of the field. They are of average build and have never played a sport in their lives. They see an approaching enemy, Kerry. Kerry is 6 foot 8 inches can bench press 3,000 pounds and weighs a whooping 290. Gary, Larry and Harry have a combined weight of 70 pounds, so Kerry thinks this will be easy. Gary, Larry and Harry see this in his eyes and quickly get in to their 12 o’clock, 9 o’clock, and 3 o’clock positions surrounding him. Kerry, still not worried pounces at the 23.333 pound Gary, and grabs his flag, almost crushing his fragile body in the process. Little did he know that Larry and Harry were closing in on him and as he turned around, BAM! He was out like a bird stuck in a butter fountain! Now, Gary, Larry and Harry are usually not very athletic and some would even say that they are a weak link in the team, although because they were able to outsmart and apply these newly documented strategies to collectively take down the biggest threat on the other team, their team reigned victorious and they became the town heroes for the next 30 years, even eventually having an annual parade in their honor, always televised on TBS.
  • Coite, Jake and Natalie are all guarding the flag. They see the other team coming in fast and quickly move into formation. Wietsma and Tony have left their positions on the other team’s flag and tried to infiltrate Coite, Jake, and Natalie’s barracks. Jake then tries to attack Wietsma, but Wietsma pulls a move taken right out of a book about gladiators and gets him out one shot, but losing sight of Natalie, he is quickly taken out and is pissed. Coite doesn’t see that Matt is out and pulls his remaining flag, taking his eyes off of the team’s flag. When he turns around a wild Garbecki has gotten hold of the flag. He runs at him, barely catching up enough to grab hold of the nipple portion of his shirt. Garbecki continues to run but Coite doesn’t let go. Garbecki runs him into a pipe, but Coite doesn’t let go. He hits him in the face with the waffle ball bat that was the flag, but Coite doesn’t let go. Finally, the nipple of his shirt is torn off and he is able to get away, but he doesn’t. He passes it on to the Italian Stallion who wins the game. Which sucked, but I mean, the shirt tear was pretty sick.
  • Shaun, Don, and Jon are in an offensive line up against Ron, Han, and Bon. Shaun is lined up against Ron on the left border, Don is paired with Han in the middle, and Jon and Bon are throwing down on the right side. Ron, Han, and Bon prior to the game devised what they thought was “the perfect crime” and attempt to all three try and tackle Shaun, Don, and Jon, but as they do this, Juan and Yuan come in around the borders getting out all three of Ron, Han, and Bon. Now, here is what Ron, Han, and Bon could have done differently. They could have, one, had a bigger line and two gone in to the borders as advised prior to this section. This is how that would have played out: Shaun, Don, Juan, Yuan and Jon are in an offensive line up against Ron, Han, Guan, Kahn and Bon. Shaun is lined up against Ron on the left border, Don is paired with Han in the middle, and Jon and Bon are throwing down on the right side, Guan and Juan are battling in the left middle, and Kahn and Yuan are pulling teeth at the right middle. Ron goes outward a little and curves into attacking Shaun and effectively pulling out his flag. Bon quickly follows suite and there is an old-fashioned, cartoon-styled pig pile happening, and when dust fades it is Kahn and Ron up against the lone ranger Juan. They double team him, effectively annihilating the line, which in turn allows them to receive the flag. And win. A week later they receive a letter from the president of the United States of America inviting them to have lunch with him and chat about their war tactics and are eventually award the Medal Of Honor. That’s what can happen in Capture the Flag, play accordingly.
  • Gerald is growing bored of standing by the flag all day. It’s hot, boring and he just doesn’t get why he, a semi-athletic person should be subdued by a flag. He is sick and tired of all his friends making fun of him and decides to once and for all win this game… on his own. He scans the field and sees where he can go. He then runs. He barely dodges everybody in his path, and even gets a few fellas out. He is feeling good. Maybe now his mom will return his calls, now that he has become man. He keeps running to the flag and is finally up against the three defensemen on the flag. He smiles and with one swift maneuver manages to get out all three at once. He then grabs hold of the flag. He loves this feeling. He is king of the world in his book. Nothing can ever possibly bring him down. He takes a brief moment to savior it. Then he turns and runs. The field is cleared, a path for him to run. He takes his first step back to his home territory. He runs and runs and runs. Nobody dares get in his way. He is a lightning bolt flying through the field light an airplane or something like that that is really fast. He throws the flag down in the hula-hoop and cries out in victory! Then he turns around and sees the two teams packing up and going in, because the other team had already won, because he left his position at the flag. I’ll bet you thought that was gonna be a good, happy ending didn’t you? Well, that’s not life. Sometimes life gives you a swift kick to the scrotum and you need to take in like a man and not leave your gosh darn position next. Life’s not all rosewater and marzipan, sometimes it sucks, and guess what? Capture the flag is no different. Gerald looks at his class mates and laughs to himself. Brushing off his failure he runs to meet up with his friends Harold, and Phareld, who immediately start laughing with him and with a matter of seconds it becomes their newest inside joke. So, I guess some good came out of it…
  • Garth was in the middle of an intense game of capture the flag when all of a sudden there is an alien attack and his other teammates are abducted, leaving him to defend his flag on his own against the other team of 40 kids. He then takes a pill out his pocket downs it with rain water and quickly becomes superman. At this point he summons all of the Justice League and a few former presidents of the United States of America, The Justice League quickly eliminate the entire other team, who is at this point in complete shock after first seeing a live alien abduction and now have the freaking justice league come and fight them in a game of capture the flag. The flash runs and gets the flag within a nano second, which some could say is completely unnecessary given the fact the other team was completely awestruck and would probably not even fight if it was a normal everyday guy. Then one of them shoots a ray or something and knocks out the entire team for a good laugh. The pills effects now wear off and Garth is back to being your everyday average Joe, the only difference is now his surround by 40 of his peers completely unconscious, and he is holding the flag. The all of a sudden he hear the gods calling to him, singing the songs of Metallica, specifically “…And Justice for All”. Then he wakes and realizes that this was all a dream and then begins to mentally prepare for the battle coming later in the day. You see ladies and gentlemen, he is the true capture the flag warrior. He wakes up in the morning and eats a big bowl of capture the flag, he goes to sleep and dreams dreams about capture the flag, and when he goes to school he learns capture the flag. Garth is what every man, woman, and child should strive to be. Not only does he dream about capture the flag, but he does it true capture the flag fashion. I mean aliens? The justice league? Almost killing 40 people just to win? The gods singing Metallica? If that’s not as capture the flag as it gets I don’t know what is… Garth is truly a model human being and American citizen, and we all should take notes and emulate him. My gosh is he cool.

The Continued Saga of the Arnetians (Note: Everything in this section is 100% factual and true. Anyone who says otherwise is a liar.)

Now that the Arnetians had completed their final stages of training the art and science of the game Capture the Flag, they needed to put their skills and wit to the test against other opponents. They had trained hard and they had trained long, and they were about to taste the rich and flavorful fruits of their labor. The Arnetians were looking forward to their next battle and asked supreme ruler Arnett who their next victim would be. He laughs a deep laugh of joy and happiness and said, “Does it matter? You have trained well and will crush any opposing side.” Then the Arnetians laughed and agreed to this statement. As they exited their training temple of the forest, what they saw amazed and terrified them. What stood before them was an army of 10,000 men, all of which were vicious and hungry for the taste of human flesh. One of the weaker hearted Arnetians, Jake Henriques, broke down and cried. He was quickly beaten for being such a weakling, or slappy as the Arnetians had called them. Jeff Maconi questioned whether or not the Arnetians would be able to defeat such an army. He too was beaten. Supreme ruler Arnett looked upon his godlike students and said, “What is this? Questioning your ability to defeat such an army? Ha! You have trained well, and should know that you can and will defeat these men. Do not question your power.” Someone yelled out, “Will you guide us?”

Arnett solemnly replied, “I have trained you enough, I now leave you with this knowledge and strength, as I say goodbye…” He then looked up at the stars and his body flew in to the heavens, forever at peace.

“NOOOOO!!” cried the Arnetians as his body disappeared forever into oblivion. “What will we do now?” questioned some. “We’re going to die!” cried out another.

“Silence!” cried out a brave young soul by the name of Brian Tessicini. “We will do what we have trained to do. We will fight, and we will win. Do not pay any attention to their size or their numbers. We will defeat them.”

He raised his fist in the air and said, “For Arnett.”

“For Arnett.” The Arnetians repeated.

“BALLS DEEP ON THREE! ONE. TWO. THREE!”

“BALLS DEEP!” The Arnetians yelled with a combination of fire and passion.

The Arnetians go into their designated positions and being to mentally prepare for the greatest battle ever known to man. The defense is strong and the offense is also strong. The opposing team of 10,000 soldiers looked upon the Arnetians and laughed. They thought it was going to be an easy fight. They were wrong. The gong is hit, signifying the start of the battle. Right off the battle the opposing team of 10,000 soldiers toke out Josh, Jeff, and J-Money. Colin passed out in shock and horror, which, let’s be honest, was not that big of a loss. Crev, and The Italian Stallion are quickly torn limb for limb by the opposing team of 10,000 soldiers. Tyco is taken prisoner and tortured relentlessly. Avery tries to break through the large barrier of soldiers, but is quickly eaten by an eagle. The Arnetians were silent. They were frozen in terror as they watched their teammates being slaughter by the cannibalistic opposing team of 10,000 soldiers. They thought it was over, that all their training had been a waste. Then, out of the silence, there was a cry. A scream rather, from the great flag defender Jacob Coite, directed towards one of the Arnetians out of position. The out of position player, Jake Henriques was quickly awakened and got back into position. This was followed with more yells from Coite informing him that he was still in fact out of position. The other teammates were inspired by said flag guarders fire and intensity. They then ran to the offensive line to battle the opposing team of 10,000 soldiers. Garbecki, Tessicini, and Maeve are in a line up against 30 of the opposing team of 10,000 soldiers. Garbecki forms into a majestic unicorn the size of 70 bears and impales the soldiers with his large majestic horn and devours them in one bite. Also, he pulled their flag, so whether they were dead or not, they were out. The army of three then move on to their next opponents.

At the flag, tensions are growing high between the great flag defender Coite and Jake Henriques, who is still not in the correct position. Coite grows increasingly angry and tears off Jake Henriques sleeves, which makes him look ten times more badass. Coite then drags him over to his correct position and yells at him to remain put and points to an occurring excursion between Amanda, Eric, and Jodi and 45 quickly multiplying soldiers of the opposing team of 10,000 soldiers.

Eric attempts to grab hold of one their flags, but quickly gets his heart ripped out. Amanda retreats back, closer to the flag. Jodi however calls out into the wind, summoning a large beautiful horse of great strength, jumps onto it and repeatedly runs over the now 60 soldiers of the opposing team of 10,000 soldiers. She rides on to assist Unicorn Garbecki, Tessicini (who at this point is now missing his left leg) and Maeve. They are trying to fend off now 100 men from the opposing team of 10,000 soldiers. Maeve grabs hold of one of the soldier’s testicles and swings him like a lasso above her head then uses him as a whip, killing 36 of the soldiers. Tessicini picks up his severed leg and quickly transforms it into a musket and begins to fire at the crowd of soldiers from the opposing team of 10,000 soldiers. He then dives into the crowd pulling 10 or 15 of the soldier’s flags. Jodi’s horse then devours 6 men and Garbecki impales the remainder. They move forward to the flag.

At this point Sam and Trisha have infiltrated the torture facility where Tyco is being kept. They creep around a corner and hear voice. They jump around the corner, quickly pulling all of the soldier’s flags. They then hear more voices, the sounds of a much bigger army. They duck behind a large wooden box made of metal. When the voices pass then exit their hiding space and find the room in which their beloved teammate is being kept. They enter the room and are shocked at the horrific sight that they see before them. They find his body, dead, lying in the center of the room. They at first are frozen, but then discover it is not Tyco but an exact replica of his body. They quickly try to escape, realizing it is a trap, but they find themselves surrounded by three hundred soldiers. The soldiers grab hold of them before they can escape and strap them to a large torturing device, used to torture people. Then they decide to just go on and kill both of them.

Back on the field, Amanda is going up against 50 men who are 3 times her size. She quickly summons the power of the ocean and sends 12 dolphins to attack the opposing team of 10,000 soldiers. She moves on to the next excursion of individuals on a wave the size of Mount Everest.

Charlie is cornered by another large group of people, and it is starting to look like she will be their next victim. Then out of nowhere, and dress only in a loin cloth, Jake Henriques swings in and drops a grenade on to the opposing soldiers, obliterating them to dust. Then off in the distance we here Coite yelling for him to get back into his designated position. As he is journeying back he is faced with yet another group of soldiers. They grab hold of him and tear the skin off of his face as he screams out in agony, Coite runs to try and help, successfully getting out all of the soldiers. As the dust clears, Coite sees his friend lying there almost unconscious. He grabs Jake into his arms and tries to shake him and keep him alive.

He looked into Coite eyes, “I’m sorry I’ve failed great master.”

“Don’t you leave me you son of a gun!”

“I’m sorry, I’m…”

“NOOOOO!” cried out Coite as his teammate and friend died in his arms. A single tear ran down his cheek. He wipes it off, and stands, with Jake body in his arms. “WHY!?” he screams, then falls back to his knees and cries.

Farther up on the battle ground more casualties are occurring. The opposing team of 10,000 soldiers has taken Sean, Matt, and Emma. Somehow Tessicini, Garbecki Maeve, and Jodi are still alive and fighting. Tessicini has now lost both legs and an ear, Maeve has lost both of her eyes, and Jodi’s majestic horse is dead. Garbecki is however still fully intact. They are making their way to the flag. As they approach the 5 yard diameter from the said flag, out of nowhere 500 soldiers appear and begin to fight against the four brave young Arnetians. Garbecki attempts to impale these individuals of great strength like he did with the other soldiers of the opposing team of 10,000 soldiers, but rather than killing them, they grabbed hold of his horn and tore it out of his skull, sucking out his brain with it, leaving him… dead. Jodi, Maeve and Tessicini are all surrounded. Maeve then realizes that because she is now completely blind, that she has supersonic hearing and can hear the thought of the opposing team of 10,000 soldiers. She then warns Tessicini that they were about to tear out his spine, so he turned a round and killed 90 of them with his severed leg muskets. Then they move forward about to get the flag.

Back at the Arnetians flag Wietsma, Natalie and Alexis are alone. Normally Sara Santos would be there, but as usually she forgot her gear at home and had to sit out and watch as her friends get slaughtered. Wietsma, Natalie and Alexis are now surrounded and calling for Coite, who is still crying with Jakes body, but to no avail. Wietsma turns to check the behind of the flag, and see there is no one coming from the back. Unfortunately for him though, as he was turning around he, like Brian was going to be, has his spine torn out of his body leaving him completely paralyzed and slowly dying. Natalie and Alexis are surrounded, they continue calling for Coite, but he still is not coming. Just when things are looking towards the worst for them, the clouds part and a ray of sunlight shines down. They then see an angel sent by the gods coming down to them. That angel was Damian. Damian was once an Arnetian, and mighty good one at that, and he was just what they needed at that time. He fends off the soldiers and saves the flag. He turns two Natalie and Alexis and says, “That was a close one, where is your great defensemen of Jacob Coite.” Before they could answer they are shot with a ray gun by the opposing team of 10,000 soldiers, instantly turning them to dust. Damian was alright because he was an angel and angels are completely unaffected by ray guns and other weaponry. He then erects a fortress surrounding the Arnetians’ flag, and goes off to find the great warrior, Jacob Coite.

Huggs, Mike and Nick are coming into the opposing team of 10,000 soldiers’ flag territory. They had heard that Garbecki had died and that Jodi, Maeve and Tess were now within reach of the flag. When they arrived they saw no one. They only see Tess’s severed leg muskets in the field. They realize what has occurred. They attempt to infiltrate and grab the flag, but Mike is quickly beheaded by a pendulum hanging from above. Huggs and Nick see that there are many traps set for them in order to get the flag. The first of which is a game of yahtzee against one of the soldiers. Nick decides that he is the one that will go up against said soldier in the game of Yahtzee. They are going at it for a solid 30 minutes and it is now down to the final roll. Nick needs the get a Yahtzee in order to win the game. Otherwise the soldier will have won. Nick concentrates as he shakes the cup. He keeps thinking to himself, “For Arnett, for Arnett.” He rolls. The dice are bouncing around the table. They fall on the numbers: 4,4,4,5,3,2. He begins to shake he picks up his die for his second roll. 4,4,1. He his trembling in fear at this point. If he does not roll a 4 for this last roll, his life is over and as far as he’s concerned, the game may also be. He rolls from deep down inside of him. He rolls, and rolls, and rolls, Then he finally lets go. The dice is flying through the air, cutting through like a knife or something else that cuts things. It lands on the table, spinning. Finally it stops on a number. Nick is quickly burned alive. We do not know what his number was, but it seems safe to assume it was not four. Huggs is now alone, now hiding behind a tree, or a fern or something else that grows out the ground. The soldiers leave, not seeing him. For the time being, he is safe.

Amanda, Charlie and Anna are currently hiding out in the forest. They are trying to get a body count of how many Arnetians are left in the game. They count up a grand total of 6, counting Damian. Six against thousands. They thought this was going to be the end of the Arnetians. They attempt to go and grab the flag for themselves, winning the game on their wave of dolphins that Amanda had summoned. As they were approach the flag, the temperature of the field dropped to -45 degrees, freezing the wave. The three of them were now stuck on top of this wave, quickly freezing to death.

Huggs is now trying to infiltrate the flag once again. He has successfully gotten past all of the said obstacles. He is now feet away from the flag. He grasps with his run hand and begins to run. He feels a rush joy that he believes he has just won the game for his team, the Arnetians. He is now 100 yards from his destination and he trips over a tree root, slamming his face against the ground, breaking his nose, and knocking him unconscious. The soldiers surround him and wait for him to awaken.

Damian has now found Coite, kneeling down before his fallen friend. Damian kneels next to him and pats his back. Coite grabs him and hugs him. They both cry. Damian looks into Coite’s eyes and informs him that there are only six of the Arnetians left, three are slowly dying and one is unconscious, surrounded with the flag. He then tells Coite, “You must fight on, you must win this game. The emotional pain that comes with the loss of a friend and soldier is temporary, while the win will be eternal. For Arnett.”

“For Arnett” repeats Coite.

He is now ready to take on the soldiers. He and Damian march off to try and save their fellow Arnetians and also win the game. The see the large frozen wave and attempt to climb it to save their teammates. They slip and fall numerous amounts of times before reaching the top. They find all three of the Arnetians frozen through and as they attempt to thaw them, the soldiers of the opposing team of 10,000 soldiers fly over head throwing rocks which shatter all of their bodies. Damian and Coite try to save them and put them back together. They now have a whole different of the nursery rhyme, “Humpty Dumpty.”

Down on the field, Huggs is slowly regaining consciousness. He finds himself surrounded by close to one hundred men. He quickly picks up the flag and tries to use it as a weapon. The soldiers rip it from his hands and throw it a mile of in the distance. They then turn on him. The soldier grab hold of him and begin to throwing him to each other in a game of catch. They then eat him. One bite. To be honest, I don’t know why they didn’t do that while he was knocked out… I mean it’s not like they slowly ate him to watch his expressions… they just swallowed him almost whole… makes no sense really. Anyway, that left two remaining Arnetians.

Damian grabs hold of Coite and flies into the air to locate then now lost flag. They search far and wide, eventually catching sight of it in the center of Las Vegas. They attempt to land, but are thrown off course and land in a casino. They try to get out as quickly as possible, but to their dismay thousands of random pedestrians are flowing in and they are quickly separated. Coite calls out for Damian, but he cries are in vain. Out of nowhere, a man in a dark suit hands Coite a glass of iced tea. Coite tries to say no, but the man is persistent and forces him to drink it. Next thing, Coite knows is he is $400 in debt and is wanted by the German Mafia. He doesn’t know how long he’s been there and is starting to forget why he was in Vegas to begin with.

It has been six years. He is getting lost in all the vices that come with being in Vegas. He has had over 40 prostitutes, gambled away everything but his soul, and is now an alcoholic. He now has a new name, life and has completely forgotten what his propose in life is. He is going by the name of Patrick Riveras. He is also running his life in to the ground. He is homeless, and broke. But right when he thinks it’s over, he hears a voice. A deep voice. A voice he has heard once before. The voice spoke to him.

“Jacob!” It said.

“Who is Jacob?” said Patrick.

“You are” responds the voice.

“No I am not; I am Patrick, Patrick Riveras.”

“Who is this Patrick? Patrick is a lie! Where is the warrior I once knew?” screamed the voice.

All of sudden it all came flying back to Patrick. The battle. The loss of his friends and family. The angel known as Damian. He remembered it all. He began to feel sorrow, and regret.

“Do not feel regret, just go and win this war!” said the voice he now recognized as supreme ruler Arnett.

Coite knew what he needed to do. He needed to find Damian, and get the flag. He quickly returned to the casino in which he was last seen and began to search. He was given numerous looks of shock when he asked about an angel who was last seen six years ago in the casino. The called him crazy. They called him stupid. But he knew better. He kept asking everyone when there was a voice behind him.

“I know where this angel is,” the man said.

“You must tell me!” Coite informed him, “The fate of the entire universe as we know it rests on this.”

The man responded, “I knew him a long time ago. We grew up together, but as time went on we grew apart. I saw him here on that day six years ago, and I watched as he, and you, lost your minds in the dark world that is Las Vegas. I thought I knew him that day, but I guess I did not.”

“Who are you?” asked Coite.

He turned and looked into Coite’s eyes and said, “I am Damian.”

“We must leave now!” said Coite.

“I cannot show my face on that battle field again, and neither can you. At this point we will have lost and all of those innocent people will have died for nothing.” Damian said.

“Arnett just spoke to me though! The war isn’t over!” responded Coite.

Damian looked upon him and said, “It is for me. If you must go, you must go alone.”

“Please, I beg of you…”

“I’m sorry.”

They looked into each other’s eyes one last time and said goodbye. Coite then turned around and left the casino and began to search for the flag. He tried to replay that night six years ago to remember where they had last seen it. He went in to every ally and down every street. He was scared, tired, and broken down, right as he was about to give once again, a man appeared before him. This time it was a man he had last known in a different form. The form of a unicorn.

The Ghost of Garbecki looked different than he had even before he made his epic transformation into a majestic unicorn. He was pale, thin and had facial so long and white at first Coite mistook him for a Dumbledore impersonator. He then realized who it really was. They both began to cry tears of joy and began to reminisce about the times of long ago. Then Garbecki looked Coite in the eyes and said, “The reason I was sent here was to guide you to the flag of our enemy.”

“The flag of the opposing team of 10,000 soldiers?” Coite asked.

“Yes, the flag of the opposing team of 10,000 soldiers”

“Guide me then,” said Coite.

               The two of them began to walk and search for the enemy’s flag. It didn’t take very long as the ghost of Garbecki was already aware of its current location. He guided Coite into a Chinese food restaurant where the flag was being held. The two them demanded that they be given the flag at that moment, but the man their just looked at them and said, “我不会说英语,但我也明白,想要你的敌人的标志。首先坐下来,有一些食物,我会去跟经理。” Which roughly translates to, “I don't speak English, but I do understand that you want a flag of your enemies. First sit down and have some food, I will go talk to the manager.”

Garbecki and Coite sit down and order their food. Garbecki, having not eaten in six years ordered the meal of a family of six and Coite didn’t order anything because he was too excited to be finally getting the flag. The food arrived and Garbecki was finished within close to 45 seconds to a minute. It was quite impressive to be honest. Finally the man came back and said, “我有你的敌人的标志,但是你必须打我吧。” Which roughly translates to, “I have the flag of your enemies, but you must fight me for it.” Garbecki jumps on to the table and quickly re-grows his majestic horn and impales the waiter. The waiter then stammers, “这是该消息来自从厨师,不是我!你为什么杀了我?” Which roughly translated to, “That was the message from the chef, not me! Why have you killed me?” Garbecki looks at he and half heartedly apologizes and runs into the kitchen killing all of the people in there. Then a rather large man steps forward and yells, “I AM THE CHEF OF THIS PLACE! YOU MUST DEFEAT ME!” Which oddly enough was not in mandarin. Garbecki then runs at him, but the chef tears off his horn, narrowly missing his brain. Garbecki quickly gets up and grabs a pair of chopsticks off of the counter and throws them at the chef. The fly at him and impale his throat and heart and he falls over, dying. Garbecki runs up to him and yells, “Where is the flag?”

“It is in the food pantry… Tell my kids I love them.”

Garbecki then spits on the corpse and enters the food pantry. Coite quickly joins him and they stare at the flag. They had done it. Now they just need to return it to the field, the battleground if you will.

Garbecki turns to Coite, “This is where I leave you. Good luck, Godspeed.”

He then reformed in to his unicorn state and flew up to the heavens.

Coite watched him go. “Until we meet again,” he said and saluted the fallen warrior.

Coite then runs to catch a plane to Massachusetts as fast has he can. He arrives, buys the ticket, boards the plane, and then goes on a rather uneventful ride to his homeland. He looks back as the plane takes off and says to himself, “Goodbye Vegas, goodbye Patrick.” Then, as a single tear ran down his cheek he said, “Goodbye Damian.”

Coite arrives at the battle field and finds the opposing team of 10,000 soldiers still in position, a feat that would have been impossible had Jake Henriques been on their team. Coite begins to run. He runs for Arnett, for the fallen warriors, for Damian and for himself. He is inches away from the hula-hoop that signifies victory and out nowhere he is hit with a chainsaw cutting him in half. His body hits the ground and he begins to cry. He has failed everybody and they have died for nothing. He begins to call out for Damian. Deep down he know that he is out there, and that he can hear him. He calls louder than he ever has before. The troops are closing in on him; he begins to see his life flash before his eyes. He screams louder and louder and louder until finally there is bang of in the distance and the clouds part and a ray of sunlight shines down. He then see an angel sent by the gods coming down to him. That angel was Damian.

“You came back!” cried Coite.

“I couldn’t watch a fellow Arnetian die like this and lose a war against thousands, alone.” He replied.

They looked into each other’s eyes, and embraced. In other words, they had a moment. Damian then grabbed Coite in his arms and flew into the air. They were up against thousands, but that didn’t stop them. They flew to the ground, slamming the flag into the hula-hoop. They had won. The Arnetians had won. America had won.

There was a deep rumbling in the earth, and the ground began to shake. The earth was cracking and splitting into a gorge. Coite looked around, the soldiers were gone. He was now no longer cut in half. Then, just as quickly as it had began the rumbling and shaking stopped.

Out of the gorge climbed Jake Henriques. Coite ran and embraced him. Jake looked at him and said, “Hello, my brother,” and patted him on the shoulder, and then gradually every one of the Arnetians climbed out of the gorge, resurrected by the win, if you will. They surrounded Coite and told him that he had won the battle. Then he proclaimed, “No! WE won the battle. WE defeated the army of 10,000 soldiers and WE captured their flag.”

Off in the distance the mighty Arnetians see two figures approaching them. The first is Arnett. The second figure faded off in the distance, but the Arnetians have reason believe that it was Damian, who was the true hero of this great battle.

“We thought you were dead!” cried out Tony.

“No, I was only testing your abilities. This was a battle that you all needed to fight, without me. You have proven your strengths and your loyalty to this game. To that I congratulate you. You are now warriors.”

The Arnetians raised their hands in the air in victory and cried out, “Balls Deep.” Then supreme ruler Arnett, looked upon the fine young warriors and said, “Now that you have won, enjoy the feel, because I must now erase all of your memories of this battle, but know that I will always know of this war, and how you all took on the strength of an army of 10,000 sodliers and won.”

He then erased all of their memories, so no one remembers that this happened. But I assure you that everything in this section and all other sections are 100% true and factual. You’re probably how do you remember this then? Well, that is a story for another time…

Conclusion

So, now after such an epic tale of bravery and strength you are probably asking what has happened with the Arnetian since then. Have they fulfilled their goal of becoming the greatest Capture the Flag team? The answer to both of those questions is yes. They had discovered that life is very similar to capture flag. You strive to be great and if you strive hard enough, you will accomplish that goal. Sometimes in life you lose a finger or a vital organ, and you just need to roll with it. Same goes with capture the flag. If life gives you lemons, turn those lemons in to cash money and buy more lemons. The Arnetians had trained hard and tasted the fruits of their labor. They had found the secrets to life, the secrets to war, and the secrets to secrets. They had created everlasting friendships, formed families and in many cases learned what it was like to take the life of another human being. They had also created enemies, formed gangs and given birth to at least 30 individuals. They were challenged, betrayed, ridiculed and spat on by the enemy. They had traveled to the highest mountain and the lowest valley. Some of them had also gone to Las Vegas and lost themselves, found themselves and rediscovered the meaning of Capture the Flag. They had fulfilled their destiny, given to them by God, and then took it farther than anyone could have ever in the history of the universe. It was a journey like no other, and it was great. Now you may be asking yourself, “What is the secret to life, what does it mean to be a capture the flag team?” Well, you’ll just have to takes these teachings learn for yourself as the Arnetians did. Godspeed.

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