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The New Redskins Song Has "Hail to Charles Martin" In It -- History of the Superbowl Part 18

Updated on February 27, 2011

Happy AFC Championship game Sunday to all!

Since this will most likely be the last time we get to the see the Jets this year, what with a quarterback who is currently between about forty pairs of thighs when he should be in the middle of a 210-page playbook, I thought I'd salvage the mood -- mine in particular -- by continuing talk about football that happened 22 years ago.

For I don't think Peyton Manning can go back in time and beat any of our legends.

It's important to note something. Michael Jordan people say destroyed the game because he got to beat EVERYBODY. He was presented EVERYBODY as an opponent. EVERYBODY.

Well San Francisco vs. Washington never happened.

This is the only reason the NFL hasn't been destroyed irreparably like the NBA has.

We'll get to the NBA Finals soon. That's MY favorite stuff.

But in this particular year, Washington was actually ALOT better.

The Washington Redskins of 1987 would have mutilated the 49ers at this point.

The 49ers never talk about just how hard it was in these later stages of the 80s when Montana was relied on 100 percent.

You're talking about having a reciever like Jerry Rice who thinks he's being treated like Kobe.

How else do you explain being made to catch 3 yard receptions more then 1000 percent of the time?

If I'm Jerry Rice, mister magnet-hands, that would make me try LESS.

As it turned out, Bill Walsh had fucked himself for a while.

Oakland Athletics style.

For Jerry Rice was growing into the 49ers' Rickey Henderson.

The Houston Rockets' Scottie Pippen.

The organization...didn't NEED HIM!!!!!

This happens alot in sports, more so then anyone would believe, where the star being excluded means ASSLOADS more wins.

The NBA had spent years after Jordan trying to repair itself by placing the emphasis on big time talent...that sucks.

They didn't realize that getting rid of the T-Macs and the Jason Williams and Allen Iversons and Elton Brands and Ron Artests and Yao Mings was WHAT WAS STANDING IN THE WAY OF SLEWS OF 50+ WIN TEAMS THAT WOULD HAVE SURELY SAVED THE ENTIRE LEAGUE.

Remember how baller the NBA was without Michael for about two years?

MAN I loved the Houston Rockets and Phoenix Suns and Sonics and Knicks and Magic.

The NBA had people back then who were far too modest in the elders' shadows to believe their own press.

Today's NBA players do.

Yeah yeah, I know what you're gonna say, but I'm not talking about Derrick Coleman, Christian Laettner, Kenny Anderson, I'm talking about Barkley, Olajuwon, Kemp, and Penny.

So the NBA in about 2002, much like the 49ers after the Miami Superbowl win, simply didn't think benching JERRY FREAKING RICE would ever have an upside.

And so they would get rocked AGAIN.

Before we get into the playoffs, and talk about the wonderful, wonderful, WONDERFUL 1987 Washington Redskins, and not just because of the black quarterback, we have to talk about what the frig happened to the Bears.

Every other team that's discussed here at least makes some kind of appearence SOMETIME in the next twenty years.

The 49ers couldn't be decimated enough in the 90s to NOT give us a Superbowl champion.

The Giants did it with a bunch of jars of toothpaste.

The Redskins...were even cooler in 91 then they were in 87.

Well Charles Martin.

That's what happened to McMahon.

It was in 86 on a shitty day in Lambeau Field where the Packers like to pretend they're tough.

Jim McMahon gets picked up after the whistle is blown, and bodyslammed DIRECTLY on his throwing shoulder which Martin KNEW was his bad shoulder.

The idea of Hugh Douglas and the Philadelphia Eagles in 2001 knowing to go right at Jim Miller's throwing shoulder during the divisional playoffs...makes one think...isn't it fucking funny that the Eagles and their fat DUI coach are such fucking losers?

And bitches?

It was literally science.

The coaches HAD to have warranted it.

How many fucking hits did McMahon and Miller take from people?

How do they know the specific place to hit that will put him out indefinitely?

Philadelphia and Green Bay fans like ketchup on their hot dogs. You know why? Mustard's too bitter for them to be able to taste the bottle of warm sperm they wash said hot dog down with.

Chicago can have all the talent in the world. Without their AFC headliner Jim opponent can anticipate and account for ANYTHING THESE PEOPLE WOULD THINK.

It was particular important for the Bears to slowly become a team of jackoffs, because only jackoffs would feel "grateful" to Mike McCaskey rather then "annoyed".

To understand the 1987 regular to understand one of the most prolific tales Bill Cosby has ever told on Fat Albert...

"RoboCop" (1987).

At the end of the film, towards the end at least, Dick Jones is walking around the boardroom at OCP giving his mission statement speech...about how his ED-209 program is all ready to go in the wake of a strike THEY caused.

Dick Jones of course is referring to the failures of RoboCop being able to do anything.

The fact that RoboCop hasn't been on duty because Jones's own hired goons have been trying to hunt Robo and Lewis down with Jones-suppied weapons is irrelavant.

They need replacement players.

And thus, the NFL actually does -- I kid you not -- for three funny ass weeks, get a whole stream of ED-209s put on the field for the fans to watch instead!

The Giants replacements went 0-3. You watch for a few minutes. All it a slower NFL.

They caught balls like it was flag football. Directly in the pocket like it's a handoff.

But they still caught the ball.

Then ran with it slowly.

TV adds weight to one's body they say.


Kids watch baseball and go shit, that pitcher doesn't look like he's doing anything hard.

Yeah...that's why a whole nation of kids aren't discouraged from trying to be baseball players.

You ever see an NFL game from a seat in the stands? I ain't fuckin' goin in there!

Putting the replacement players in was HILARIOUS.

What could you do outside of cave?

That would be like Leno replacing Kevin Eubanks with Gilbert Gottfried until he got his way.

Actually that would be pretty awesome.

But regardless, the NFL would conclude its' season with the Bears 11-4, and not even the best team in their shitty division.

Which sets the stage for the story of the 87 season -- the Minnesota Vikings.

The Vikings had a GUTSY GUTSY playoff drive.

They went into San Francisco and beat down the 49ers after trailing early because of those chemistry problems I told you about.

I don't care how well Rice and Montana got along, Montana had the worst passing day of his life.

Even worse then the year before.

The Vikings were a uniform bunch.

Not one dude on that team outside of Nelson was somebody people knew.

Wade Wilson was the starting quarterback, need I say more?

The Vikings beat San Francisco 36-24, and advance to their first NFC Championship game since the days of Tarkenton.

Meanwhile in the other divisional playoff, Chicago was hosting Washington again.

The Bears with new running back Calvin Thomas to replace Payton (HAHAHAHAH) go up 14-0.

McMahon by the way is the starter.

But the Redskins score three straight unanswered touchdowns, and McMahon ends up leaving the game ON HIS OWN.

Imagine how much pain that shoulder must have been in for that guy to leave ON HIS OWN.

The Redskins had this running back I forgot who, maybe it was Google Pay Me And I'll Research Better.

Something Bryant.

He would get injured at some point, because Timmy Smith has to appear before the tale is finished.

In the conference championships, Minnesota went into Washington and actually had the game tied deep into the fourth quarter. Then Washington went up on a touchdown, and Minnesota had to drive the ball back.

Like Elway, Wade Wilson manages to get them within five yards of the goalline!

But his pass to Nelson in the endzone would be off.

Washington wins with about 30 seconds remaining. They're going back to the Superbowl.

meanwhile something funny was happening in the AFC.

Seattle had grown even more nuts.

Krieg and Steve Largent simply never learned their lesson.

The other guys who wouldn't make it to the Denver/Cleveland rematch were the Oilers.

Warren Moon was a bad ass starting in the 87 season.

Moon was like Elway.

His big Superbowl losses however...came in the wildcard and divisional playoffs of the early 90s. We'll get to that.

Denver and Cleveland again played in Denver.

Like in Washington, it's still tied with 7 minutes to go.

This time, it's Denver that goes up with a bomb from Elway to Sammy Winder with about five minutes left. It's 38-31 Denver.

And now it's time for Kosar to do what Elway did.


Then with 1:12 to go and the Browns at the 3...Webster Slaughter doesn't see Castilla the cornerback coming around...

He was supposed to block mister Castilla.

Instead Kosar's handoff to Byner turns into Castilla's big moment in history.

He rocks Byner and makes him fumble within INCHES of stepping into the endzone to tie the game.

The Broncos win.

Your back to back AFC Champions.

John Elway is all pumped up, ready to redeem himself.

Superbowl XXII was in San Diego,

Elway puts them up with a touchdown on the first play from scrimmage on a long bomb to Someone Who Never Did It For Them Again That Afternoon.

Then after going up 7-0, Elway CATCHES A PASS!!! Wow!!!! Scary!!!

So they go up 10-0 after the 1st.

No team in Superbowl history has ever overcome a lead like this BIG AND SCARY!!!

Washington settles down, and Doug Williams goes back in --

Play action fake, pass to Ricky Sanders who's in a foot race and can't be stopped. 10-7 Denver.

Next time out, Williams throws a bomb to Gary Clark who DIVES!!! TOUCHDOWN!!! 14-10.

Then the next time, Williams hands off to Timmy Smith who runs past the world, to the sidelines, keeps going, high-steps...go...go...TOUCHDOWN!!! 21-10.

Williams on the next drive fakes again...throws down field deep and far...Ricky SANDERS!!! TOUCHDOWN!!!! 28-10 Washington.

Then the next time down, Williams throws a pass down field to Didier -- TOUCHDOWN!!! 35-10 Redskins!!!!


That's right, this was all in the second quarter.

For three straight quarters following that 10-0 lead, Elway would get his ass kicked.

They would only get MORE AGGRESSIVE as the lead got bigger.

Timmy Smith would break Marcus Allen's record in the second half, and score another touchdown from 5 yards out.

204 yards beats 191.

Washington was methodical.

They won 42-10...beginning, in the United States, the "Elway-Bashing Era" (1988-1998).


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