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Who SHOULD Win Each Match At WrestleMania?

Updated on March 31, 2016

The HBK of Sportswriting Strikes Again!

Okay, for the most part, everyone knows I pretty much just write for the wonderful folks on another website but every now and then, I need to come back to good ol HP, where I started everything, and write something a little more personal and a little less formal.
*or so I thought*
That's what I'm doing here.
I've already written TWO articles about WrestleMania for LWOS.
ONE about why the NXT show will be better, and ANOTHER about how they could save the clusterF that is the main event.
So, I could've censored this one, and published it for Last Word, but, I thought, they're sick of me writing about this one show, and that's without the review I'll probably write Sunday night.
So instead, I'm going to sit right here and tell you who I think SHOULD win each match.
Don't be confused. These are not my picks, and these are mostly not who I think WILL win.
From an objective standpoint, looking at how they've booked, this is simply what I, a lowly sportswriter, would do.

Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

This one... could really be anyone.
This match is where the ETC comes to play.
I think that Damien Sandow will be in it, and he'll get a massive pop.
I think the Four Man Ban- I mean, the Social Outcasts will be in it, and eliminate someone big because haha, its funny when they don't lose.
Here's who I think has a shot at winning it.
A returning Cesaro.
Braun Strowman.
And Mark Henry.
Why Mark Henry?
He's from Texas.
It's in Texas.
Cesaro and the Big Show have already shown us that winning the battle royal means absolutely nothing.
And it's likely his last Mania.
In fact, I think it would be insulting if anyone else won.

The Dudley Boyz vs. The Usos

This match will obviously bring tables into it somehow, and the young guys go over.
The Dudleyz haven't beaten anyone of note since they came back, and the WWE love the Usos.

The way they've booked it, having D-Von and Bubba Ray win would be stupid and just bury the young guys.
Oooooooohhhhhhhhhhhow I wish I was still watching NXT Takeover.

Kevin Owens (c) vs. Dolph Ziggler, Sami Zayn, The Miz, Stardust, Sin Cara, Zack Ryder

Obvious Kevin Owens is obvious.
Don't make us watch Ziggler vs. Owens again. I'm tired of it. I never want to see it again.
Owens vs. Sami would be amazing!
But it's too soon to have Owens do the job for Zayn.
Miz/Ryder/Dust/Cara? Please.
Moving on.

Brie Bella, Alicia Fox, Paige vs. Lana, Naomi, and Tamina Snuka.

This match hasn't been confirmed yet.
But RIP Kayfabe.
The three women wrestling for the championship tonight were called up because Paige hated those damn Bellas!
And now they're a tag team against Rusev's valet and the sidekicks from Team B.A.D.?
Huh... Okay...
It doesn't really matter who wins, because the fans lose.
Since it's Lana's first match, she and nepotism go over.

AJ Styles vs. Chris Jericho.

Obviously AJ Styles wins.
I mean...
They wouldn't drop the ball with Styles' first WrestleMania, would they?
Well, I don't know.
AJ Styles needs to go over, and nobody is better at doing the favor than Chris Jericho.
Just ask Fandang... oh....

Kalisto (c) vs. Ryback

Kalisto please.
I worry that they'll put Ryback over here, but I would give Kalisto the win.
He's the rightful heir to Rey Mysterio's throne, and having him job out to the human botch, Roidback, would be like chewing the noise that nails make across a chalkboard.

Charlotte (c) vs. Becky Lynch, Sasha Banks

Sa-sha Banks.
Sa-sha Banks.
Sa-sha Banks.
There's no conversation here.
Charlotte has improved drastically.
Love Becky to tears.
Sasha wins.
Sasha wins everything.
Her uncle, Snoop, goes into the hall of fame, and Sasha becomes WOMEN'S champion.

The Undertaker vs. Shane McMahon

Balor Club interference.
Not joking.
That's how I would end this.
Balor Club debuts, screws Taker, Shane takes over Raw, we all go home happy.
This isn't Taker's last mania. He's not going to be retired by Shane McMahon.
That's just stupid. That's the dumbest thing I've ever hea-
Just kidding, I saw that Roman Reigns is still in the main event, nothing is dumber than that.
Not even Ryback, and he's dumb as f-

Dean Ambrose vs. Brock Lesnar

Brock has to win, but I don't think I'd be upset about anything coming out of this match.
Holy... what if the Wyatts interfered?
I don't like that idea, because I think Brock should basically murder Dean, but he puts up a really great fight, feeding that underdog gimmick, but it makes a lot of sense.
We never got Bray vs. Brock because WWE hates us, but maybe it was sidelined so that Ambrose could have a marquee opponent at Mania, without having him lose.
I dunno.
In any event, Brock has lost too many matches with screwy finishes, and if they want to keep his unbeatable form up, he needs to beat a respectable opponent.

Triple H (c) vs. Roman Reigns

you have to put roman over
i don't want to
i don't think he deserves it
i feel like they should notice the crowd booing the living tar out of him

hey, maybe Taker (because he's too good to remain uncapitalized in this monotonous rant) wins, and vince comes out screws triple h, turning reigns heel

or maybe this will be the worst main event in the history of main events and i'll cry ramen rains of tears


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