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Why Roger Goodell suspended Tom Brady.
I figured it out.
After months and months of speculation by the millions, I, lowly blogger Ryan Smith, have figured it out.
I discovered Roger Goodell's intentions for suspending Tom Brady over Deflategate.
Let's think about this.
Put your feelings about the Deflategate situation aside for a moment.
What can we prove?
What can we prove for sure?
At some point, before the first half of the AFC Championship last year, someone took air out out of some of the footballs.
That's literally it.
"B-b-but Ryan! That's unfair! The Patriots blew the Colts out!"
This is true.
The Patriots did absolutely destroy the Colts... in the second half.
See, the ball error was rectified at halftime, when the Patriots only led 14-10.
In the second half, the Patriots went on to score 28 unanswered points on the way to their Super Bowl 49 victory.
So... something insignificant happened, that didn't effect the outcome of the game at all, and there's no way to prove if any player had something to do with it at all.
Why did Tom Brady, 4 time Super Bowl champion, 3 time lea-... I'm sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself, 2 time league MVP, friend of Julian Edelman, and all around good guy, get the same suspension as Greg Hardy, aka the guy your parents warned you about?
It just doesn't make make sense, does it?
WELL, LUCKILY FOR YOU, I FIGURED IT OUT.
Being friends with this guy automatically makes you "TheBomb.com"
I figured it out.
It's actually an old story.
A story as old as time.
Of sibling jealousy.
Last year, as yet another fantasy team crumbled around him, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, a man that I always have to google, because of how D's are supposed to be in his name, was exhausted.
He was so tired of losing his fantasy league to his cocky brother, Schmidt.
Every year, Roger's teams were just one or two players away from being championship material, while Schmidt collected trophies with the likes of Odell Beckham, Rob Gronkowski, and Leon Sandcastle.
So, one cold night in December, watching Peyton Manning throw not only his fourth interception, but Goodell's fantasy team's hopes in the trash, Roger started throwing back the beers.
"EVERY YEAR!" he shouted at his corgi, Biscuit, "EVERY YEAR, I take Peyton, and EVERY YEAR, he lets me down!".
In a blind rage, he threw his "Reds Apple Ale" against the wall, narrowly missing his collection of ABBA CD's, as well as his signed blu ray of "Mama Mia".
Across the room, he heard his ringtone going off, "Dancing queeeen, young and sweeet, only seven-", he rushed over and nervously fumbled the phone.
It was his brother, Schmidt.
Seen here, being Schmiddy
He hated Schmidt.
The smug, arrogant face of his twin brother glared back at him, as if to say, "Brady didn't throw five picks today".
Every year, like clockwork, Schdmit took Brady in the second round.
In 2008, Roger thought he had the upper hand.
"You always take Brady?" He teased, "I'll take him first!"
Sadly... Brady missed the whole season with an injury.
Drunkenly kneeling in a puddle of cheap ale, Roger Goodell hit rock bottom.
Next year he could not lose.
Next year, he would draft Tom Brady.
He would put together the ultimate team...
He sat back in his lazy boy, and he found that it just didn't feel right.
Whether it was the weight he had put on over the years or just repeated sittings... the cushion felt...
And then it hit him.
"That doesn't mean anything", he thought to himself.
"WAIT! I GOT IT!"
So an evil plan was hatched in Goodell's gargantuan noggin.
On January 18th, 2015, Roger Goodell snuck into Gillette Stadium.
During the second quarter, he called the refs and mentioned that, "Hey, the balls look a little funny, why doncha check 'em out".
With the evidence in place, and a rock solid alibi (Who would accuse the commissioner?), Goodell waited.
You all know the rest.
The Patriots won the Super Bowl, and the NFL investigated for months and months.
The commissioner even paid Ted Wells extra to make sure the investigation pointed squarely at Brady.
But... it wasn't enough.
"Meh, I'm still taking Brady. It's not like you'll suspend him!" Schmidt had teased.
What did he have to do to make sure Brady was available?
So he did the unthinkable...
He called in the suspension.
Execute Order 69
HE SUSPENDED BRADY.
He suspended Brady for four games!
He suspended Tom Brady so that he could draft him in fantasy.
Hell, even suspended Le'Veon Bell, Martavius Bryant, and Antonio Gates to make sure they were available.
Grinning on his throne of lies, wearing his crown of thorns, Goodell waits, waits for the day he can call Schmidt and mock,finally restoring his manhood.
Goodell seriously suspended one of the best, if not the best player in the league because he heard someone say that someone said that Brady might have told a guy to do something that had no impact on the game whatsoever.