Winter Olympic Events That Should Be
Except for an occasional watch of the figure skating events, I don't often watch the Winter Olympics -or for that matter, any Olympic competitions. Sports simply isn't my passion, and when it comes to winter events, I find most of them overrated. Not that I don't respect the individual athletes for putting out their best to accomplish the achievement that is important to them. But the significance of these events are just so removed from what I'd call a genuine test of physical prowess or endurance, that I just find it hard to be impressed.
Now if the Olympics committee and the entities that support it really want me glued to the television during their running, they need to just forget the Luge, Curling, and Ice Hockey. Give me the challenges that will really impress me, those tests of athletic ability that make today's Olympic events look like a day at the spa.
I've even thought up a few of these events. Olympics Committee, take note!
Timed Windshield Ice Scraping
Competitors have under three minutes to get their windshields scraped clear enough to face morning traffic and one cheap, breakable plastic scraper in which to do it with. A true test of competitors' endurance for cold and the tyrant called Time.
Keeping The House Floors and Carpet Clean While The Kids Are Out Of School For Snow competition
Winning a Biathlon is NOTHING compared to keeping a home tidy when schools are out for bad weather. This two-day length event requires competitors to dwell in a small home with four school age children home because of snow, and they must work to keep the floors and carpet swept, clean and dry. The one with the least stains and soggy spots after two days takes home the gold!
Snow Angel Making
World-class figure skating might boast graceful movements, but it takes a true artist to create a masterpiece in the bare snow...especially if the competitor's angel makes a FALLEN ANGEL, complete with smoldering halo and flames leaping out of the snow!
Turning The Lights Off After The Kids Leave The Room race
One house, three oblivious teenagers, a greedy electric company and a tight budget all make for the MOST important race of the season for competitors of this event!
Uphill Family Loaded Sled Pulling
How many family members can you pull up a snowy hill on a dinky kids sled? If a lot, or if your family members are not known for their skinniness, you might have just what it takes to compete in this event!
Find An All New Episode Of Original-Run Television Series race
There was a time in the days of yore when makers of television series released up to 32 new episodes a year. Nowadays we are lucky to get a dozen new episodes per season, and even at this the networks just love stringing them out with lots and lots of two-week breaks. Winners of this Olympic event are the first to find brand new episodes of any original-run tv series on the airways.
Snow Shoveling
No event under the sun gives a grueling workout like the back-breaking chore of shoveling snow. Competitors of this event go face to face in shoveling as many ice and snow covered sidewalks and driveways as they can before fainting from exhaustion.
Stop Growing Icicles In My Livingroom hurl
We all have that one neighbor, friend or relative that likes to stand with our front door wide open while making their long winded goodbyes, even if the arctic cold blasting into your home is freezing the fish in the aquarium. In this event frustrated politeness is tossed straight out the door, just like the gabby, thoughtless fool that competitors get to hurl into that arctic blast.
Dodge The Dangerous Icicles event
Competitors in this exciting event stand under a cake of dangling and very pointy icicles while a hiphop fan drives by with their speakers turned up full volume. Running out from under the icicles merits an immediate disqualification, although ear plugs are optional.
Dodge The Helpless Animal In Old Bare Tires Ice Driving
The Luge is dangerous? Pooh! Trying driving down a sheet-of-ice street or road on worn-out tires when suddenly Bambi or one of his fluffy friends darts onto the path in front you! This event pits driving skills and common sense against unpredictable nature and an overactive sense of moral responsibility.
Creative Snow Man Making
It just really isn't winter without snow men or snow ladies. And no activity challenges the creative human psyche like building the most impressive snow person the world will EVER SEE..before it melts and becomes just another snow ghost.
Listen To The Whiny Teen Complain About Having To Wear Warm Clothing event
No event takes as much skilled levels of patience than keeping a home thermostat temp at a cost-sensible level while some teenager complains about their weather-appropriate attire. "Why don't you just turn the heat up?' - "NONE of my friends' parents make THEM wear long sleeves!" - "You are KILLING me in this!!"
Competitors of this event must ensure the thermostat remains at 70 degrees or lower and resist the urge to run screaming out of the house.
Ice Water Free-Style Swimming
If a member of the Polar Bear Club can do it -and without any hope of getting their picture on a box of Wheaties- don't tell me a healthy, boastful athlete can't. Hell, with enough honey schnapps in my system I probably could!
Yellow Snow Writing - Interpretative Penmanship and Classic Signature divisions
It is winter, so why not? Besides, aren't you the least bit curious how female competitors fare against their male rivals?
In The Face And Under The Waistband Allowed Team Snowballing
The ULTIMATE winter challenge here - the teams that last longest before their members go down shrieking for mercy score the highest.
This Hub ©February 9, 2014 by Beth Perry
