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Beard Season - The Best Time of the Year
It's that time of year again when the leaves begin to change color and fall from the trees. Rain begins to soak the ground and leave you yearning for a warm fire. You call in sick to work because it's just too damn miserable to leave the house. You take a warm bath experimenting with your wife's various soaps and something called bath beads (not to be confused with anal beads), which contain a pleasant smelling fluid of some sort. You start wearing a robe because jeans have become civilized attire. You relax and listen to the rain pelting your window as you get loaded on Theraflu. You realize your look seems too bare for the horrible weather and it hits you. You feel enlightened to have discovered what every hipster inherently knows:
Function of the Beard
Growing a Beard serves many purposes:
- Increase Your Cool Factor - Perhaps you have poor fashion awareness and your dressy outfit consists of super tight plaid pants that lay 3 inches above your 1970s white loafers with a striped sweater that even a homeless man would throw away. Well grow out your beard and instantly you are the coolest kid on the block rocking the latest fashion trend.
- Stay Warm - Duh! A layer of greasy pubic like facial hair is sure to keep your face snuggly warm on those frosty mornings.
- Fend Off Intimacy - That's right, despite what every eager high-schooler tells you about how good your beard feels on their body, the truth is that is does not. It is tickly and sharp and scratchy and makes people keep their distance. So if kissless sex is your thing, then a beard is the guarantee to avoid face on face action.
- Status Update - You may now call yourself a hipster.
- Food Saver - I have experienced some amazing food surprises when my beard is at its longest, and I mean amazing. Full bites. Just imagine eating a pizza and 4 hours later when you are hungry you sweep across your beard to find that savory lukewarm piece of Italian sausage, buried away like some sort of secret treasure. Some say gross, I say gold mine.
- Friend Finder - Having a beard is like being part of a secret society. I remember being in the Castro and having this large burley man with one heck of a beard look over at me with mysterious eyes and nonverbally communicate his desire. That desire must have been friendship, and it was because I had a beard too.
Beard Season History
Beard Season dates back to the time of cavemen when beard season lasted all year long. Then somewhere along the way some jerk ball invented the razor and all of a sudden grown men were la-di-da-ing through meadows, sucking on lemon grass and getting desk jobs. In recent history, the 1970s paved the way for a comeback with the very stylish mustache. Nothing says I work my ass off but also like to party more than a mustache. And today we have the hipster to thank for re-educating society that beards mean business. People are far less judgmental because now when they see someone with a beard they are unsure if it's a bum or the CEO of the hot new tech company in San Francisco. The beard truly equals equality for all.
How To Grow Your Very Own Beard
- See that pink razor in the shower with like 8 blades and some foam strip or something? Throw that right in the trash.
- Just go party and in a few short weeks you will see your beautiful beard sprouting with glee. If you're lucky enough to be related to Indiana Jones or Chuck Norris, you may only have to wait 5 minutes.
- Once your beard is at its desired length, give it a trim to keep it healthy and neat, or surprise people with a unique shape. Nothing says cool like sideburns in the shape of flames.