Hair removed by sausages
This is a true story, I swear
After reading about how men hate shaving and different things to do with hair and hair removal, I thought it might be an idea to share my story of what happened to me. If you are squeamish or frighten easily, then read no further. What happened to me, I wouldn't want to wish on my worst enemy. The details of wish will appear below, and might cause many to have sleepless nights as they subconsciously relive my pain and humiliation. Okay, it wasn't painful, just very humiliating.
This story does not take place in a beauty salon, or any other establishment you usually connect with hair removal. This story, this very real story, took place in my kitchen. Yes you are amazed I know. No, my ex-husband did not pluck my eyebrows using the tongs. What happened, was far, far worse.
As some of you might be aware, I have a penchant for making home-made sausages. I make many different varieties, my favourite of which is Boerewors, a traditional South African sausage with a strong underlying taste of roasted coriander. But I digress. On this fine day, I was cooking some shop-bought Boerewors under the grill. You put the grill on high, and the sausages close to the grill and turn them when they start to get brown. You never, never prick a sausage like I have seem some dimwits do at barbecues. Only right royal pricks do that. That releases the fat and causes you to end up having a very dry sausage instead of a juicy one. Dry sausages look like dried dog turds and probably taste just as bad. The sausage has to be cooked on the outside, but retain the meat juices. You know a sausage is good when the juice dribbles down your chin.
On this warm summer's evening, I was bending down with my butt in the air, the oven door open, and carefully using a fork to turn over the sausages. My ex-husband stealthily crept up behind me, and lifted up my skirt and pinched me on my bum. This caused a chain of reactions which was more frightening that the Butterfly Effect. I'm not sure if it was the shock of not being alone in the kitchen, or my skirt being lifted up or somebody pinching me on the bum, but I accidentally stabbed a sausage that I was carefully rolling over with the fork, releasing a veritable geyser of fatty juices which flew upwards at a rate of knots and hit the grill. The heat from the grill immediately ignited and sent a huge whoosh of flames out the oven door, as hot air rises.
My face was in the direct path of the flames. Luckily, my face did not get burnt and all I got from the experience with regards my face was a very ruddy complexion, as if I had been sunbathing without suncream for 16 hours solid. However, my lovely Cindy Crawford/Margot Hemingway bushy eyebrows singed completely and frizzled to a foul-smelling mass above my eyes. My eyelashes suffered a similar fate, as did the hair on the top of my head. The acrid smell of burning hair permeated from the walls and floorboards.
My ex-husband did not apologise for creeping up behind me, lifting my skirt, pinching my bum and unleashing this full chain of disaterous events. With due respect, I think he might have had the original intention to give me a hug and say sorry, as he did take a step towards me with his arms open. However, as I turned around with a menacing snarl on my face, still bent over double with a crook in my back, he took one look at me and burst into hysterical laughter. I quickly forgot my anger as humiliation rose to the fore and I ran screaming into the bathroom and locked the door. looking at myself in the mirror, I couldn't help but notice that the top of my previously straight hair was all frizzy. My eyebrows were frizzy and my eyelashes dropped off as i rubbed my eyes.
I did look a sight, but was too upset and humiliated to laugh. I decided to try and brush the frizz out of my hair. However, anybody with frizz caused by a burn will know, that once exposed to heat, hair becomes very fragile. Two strokes of the brush and my frizzed hair dropped into the wash basin. I now had a reverse mohawk. Rubbing my eyebrows caused most of the hairs on them to join my mohawk in the wash basin. Without eyebrows, I closely resembled an alien from one of those Star wars movies.
Can you wonder why I got divorced. I did forgive him over time. When my hair grew back. Moral of the story is, don't get too close to a flame and don't let your partner get frisky when cooking.
Comments
Oh my gosh, Cindy! I'm amazed you weren't burned! What a story! I used to singe my eyebrows with a Zippo in the wind when I was still smoking. It never did hurt but the smell... the SMELL! Ugh!
omg...as freakishly as that was I am so sorry you had to deal with that. I once caught my hair on fire at work when some co-workers brought me a cake with candles for my birthday. It was the kind u can't blow out and I leaned over to blow ( thinking I had blew it out) and my long hair caught on fire. It stunk like hell in the office!!!!
Its no fun!!!
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EM, yep burning hair is not a recommended way to remove unwanted hair.
LA, ah, such is life.
Sage advice! Also, don't balance a cup on your leg (sitting down) and try to pour boiling water into it with the kettle still plugged in and the cord not quite long enough. Boiling water lifts the skin (apparently, so I've been told -- I would never do anything that stupid; oh no, not me).
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Yes Teresa, we should do a sage advice hub
LOL Teresa!
Cindy, you should! Between the two of you, that would be a really great funny hub!
That was a very original way to have your eyebrows done LOL, sorry but I couldn't stop laughing. It reminded me a day my mom had a strange experience in the kitchen... somehow it was her bottom that got stuck in the open oven, we were never told the whole story of what happened that day... I think you have enlighten me now :)
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Yeah EM, might work on that!
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Well Princessa, have to admit, my bottom has never gotten stuck in the oven
very interesting hub
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Thanks Lgali, wasn't interesting at the time
hahah...very funny (but glad you recovered!). Reminds me of my brother coming home with no eyebrows and that stink of burning hair and telling my mom with a straight face "no mom we WEREN'T playing with bottle rockets again!"
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lol Sharrie, yep, one can learn first hand that fire can be dangerous!
OUCH!!!!!!
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wasn't painful FP. The pinch on the bum was the most painful part. Just had a weird hairdo
I am laughing so hard, your story reminds me of my brother trying to start a vehicle by dumping gas in the carburetor while I cranked the engine... Needless to say, he got a hair cut that day, before going to town.
Gosh cindy, good thing it came only to this and nothing else! you would've been hurt!!! Surprising someone is a bad idea bcz some people can't handle it... Glad you're alife :)
Cindy,
Certainly a very different side to hair removal. But did you know that people in some parts of Asia actually use fire (from a certain distance) to burn the hair on their arms and legs?
Any way back to the point, with all due respect your ex-husband did a very childish thing, I mean you could have stumbled and (God forbid) fell upon the fire. Thank God you are well and alive among us.
Long Live Cindy! :).
Oh funny! Horrible then, but funny now? I'm glad it wasn't permanent. Nice twist on hair removal. Yes we should all do a sage advice hub.
Cindy - I am so happy your face was not burned. How horrible. I would not suggest this as a normal for hair removal.
Oh I am so sorry, have tears rolling down my face, for this terrible thing that happened to you, hahaahhahahahalol Sorry can't help it hahaha
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Ivorwen, have to say that dumping gas in the carburetor while someone cranks the engine is not particularly bright either.
Shamel, yes my ex had this thing about surprising me. Once I was getting milk out of the fridge and when I turned around he was there behind me and I got such a fright I split the milk everywhere.
Nazishnasim, takes more than a childish ex-husband to kill me lol
Frieda, yeah had to admit this week's hubmob topic had me stumped. I thought who the hell would want to read about shaving your pubic hair, then I remembered this incident and thought, yeah well, it did remove my hair.
TP, the smell of burning hair makes this not a wise choice for hair removal. I agree.
Hawke, yeah wasn't funny at the time, I remember being so angry, especially when I had to get my hair cut really short lesbian-style afterwards. But now, it is rather hilarious.
Captain Badheart, lurve yers aswell
HaHaHaHaHa, sorry, glad you were not seriously hurt. HaHaHaHaHa :-) LMAO Cindy, only you could make the weekly hubmob topic Shaving and Hair removal funnier than hell. Thanks for my daily laugh.:-)
Although it was thoughtless for your ex to sneak up behind you when you were working with fire, you were able to survive and I'm happy about that.
At age 18, a gas oven had a minor explosion when I lit it. Before the hair was singed off the right side of my face that day, I did not actually realize that my face featured tiny, fine hair - just never noticed. With a short hairdo at the time, I lost 1/8" fringe of hair along the right side from top of head to chin as well. Smelled odd. That's when I started using fireplace matches (long) on the oven - and grills - and candles!
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Yeah Whikat, had to spice up a dry topic lol
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Hi Patty, so you can empathise with my experience! his was an electric oven, not a gas one, just the fat that hit the top grill that caught fire
Man, hot fat can be pretty dangerous. I've been burned by hot water and hot tomatoes, but never by hot fat. Wheew!
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Twas the flames that burnt my hair
"then I remembered this incident and thought, yeah well, it did remove my hair." Absolutely you did. Works for me. Accidental Hair Removal at its finest. =D
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lol Thanks Frieda. I did have another accidental hair removal moment, when I hit a cow on the freeway and the damn thing landed on the roof and peeled the roof back. Luckily, my head was thrown back on impact and as the roof came down and peeled back it took off the skin off my nose and scraped the hair off the top of my head. A narrow escape from potential decapitation I think!
AH HA! A new product is born "Sausage Away" It could go over pretty well, but the disclaimer portion of the instructions would take awhile for the customer to read.
Seriously, glad you're OK. This story reminds me why I don't use a gas grill anymore...., but that's a story for another hub, er I mean day.
Katherine
So...um...the sausages were ruined then?
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Thanks for droopin in, Katherine. Imagine what it would have been like if I had a gas grill!
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Yeah Christoph, wish I could say they were, but unforskinately, my ex was a pretty good cook and he took over while I was hiding out in the bathroom surveying the damage to my hair
Hey Cindy! It took me a moment just to get past the bbq picture with the sausages snaked around on it.. I'm not sure what was going thru my mind.. I was transfixxed!! Wish I could taste some of your sausages (sans burnt hair smell).. bet they're amazing!
I don't think he deserved sausages after pinching your bum and burning your hair off.
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My sausages have received many good reports on their delicious taste!
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lol Christoph, bloody bastard didn't deserve anything good lol
Superb story, just hilarious and described in a way that produces an amazingly detailed image in my head, Still giggling now :)
If there was a competition for the hub with the most bizzare name, I'd be nominating this one!
I nearly had a similar experience when bending down to see why the barbecue wasn't lighting, and then it did - with a big ball of flame. Luckily I wasn't too close!
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Thanks for the compliment, Misty!
Eric, yeah have had a few narrow escapes with barbies myself
Sorry...I never got past the image of you with sausage juice running down your chin.
It is horrifying and funny all at one time!!! How long did it take for the eyelashes to grow back :D
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lol Blue, at least you wouldn't have lifted my skirt and pinched my bum because You're a gentleman.
AE, Can't really remember, they never grew back as long as before though. I used to heave really long eyelashes.
OCH, if I ever but asa man it's not likely but if I ever decide to remove my eye brows I think I'll use the tweezers and pluck method thank you
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lol Sandman
If someone snuck up on me like that and pinched my ass, you know I'll make sure they'll suffer the same fate! That's why a lot of my friends and co-workers don't play any more pranks on me. Grrrr....
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Yeah, should have shaved his pubic hair and accidentally nicked him when he was asleep!
I'd try and think of a suitable punishment for the ex. Though perhaps that's punishment enouch.
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lol Tottie, well I was his meal ticket and ended up divorcing him, so maybe that was his punishment
cindy, "reverse mohawk!" ROFL! This is way too funny. Why is it always the kitchen? What is it about a woman in the kitchen that makes a man so frisky? My husband's idea of foreplay was to poke me in the butt cheek with a fork while I was washing dishes. Yea, oh baby, nothing says lovin' like a fork in the butt cheek. *smirk*
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What is it about our butts in the kitchen? Agree with you Pam, men are some what perverted I guess.
LOL that was funny!
Oh good grief! I will never look at sausauge the same way again! You poor thing! I think I would have been threatening the exhubby's 'sausage' after that fiasco if u know what I mean...LOL
Men are somewhat perverted???? Give us some credit....we're totally perverted.....though kitchen utensils and such aren't particularly arousing to me.....knives and too many sharp things in the kitchen for my liking.
Hahaha oh Cindy what a experience,thank God it was just those bits that got burnt.Crikeys you are so lucky. Boy it made me laugh though,for one I know now without doubt you have a huge sausage fetish, look at the ones on the barby, gee Cindy they are the most jumungus things I have ever seen. Almost like snakes.I touch wood have never set fire to my face, apart from a few times my hair caught on fire but my hair was so long it was just at the back so that was ok. However as you probably read I did burn the kitchen down once by mistake, I was only renting it, the buggers took 6 months to come and give me a new one.Well done Sin, you told that one beautifully.
Yea when our skirts are lifted up like that so suddenly anything can happen.Happens to me all the time LMAO.
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Trailertrash, good to put a smile on yer dial
Janetta, no ex-hubby made up for it later but I did eventually put his sausage out to pasture when I left him
Blue, kitchen utensils can be very arousing. Use your imagination
BP, sorry you set your lucious blonde tresses on fire and then burnt down the kitchen, tsk...tsk...
It is ok CV I did not really like the decor in the old one. What a way to get a new kitchen wooo hooo.
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Yeah, lol, g'day to you Blonde, you going to work today?
Yea after lunch not that I really want to lol. Grrrrrr. How about you CIndy ???
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6.15 am, need to make school lunches, have a coffee, shower and head to school. My son has his final grade 12 graduating assembly today. Think I might cry.
Awwww, you allowed to cry as many tears as you want. How wonderful have a great day Cindy, and a big congratulations to your son woo hoo.
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Yeah, my 1.98m 92kg baby boy!
I am glad you are ok now. and congrats on your good news!
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Thanks Am I dead yet! Think tears might flow freely!
I wrote a hub several months ago about Kitchen Utensils in the Bedroom which could change your mind R. Blue :)
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lol Misty!
Yes Misty...I read it...still .....all those sharp utensils...and I'm not sure where cindy is getting all those sausages!!!!
good story Cindy! I have to admit, these "almost" off-topic hubs are my favorites part of the hubmobs :-)
Oh my gosh so funny!!!! I know what you mean i once dried my hair by the fire and it singed the back of my head it was horrible...but i have to say what happened here is way worse, but funny
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Blue, Cindy hand makes those sausages
Dineana, yeah, I like the more random hubs myself
Ratcliffe, moral of the story, don't dry long hair by the fire lol
I have given this hub a plug on twitter hope it brings in some traffic for you. Right on.
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ta muchly blonde
good
I was caught by your title and I am so glad I was, I have had a real good visit I enjoyed your story which is all the funnier for being a true story and I also enjoyed reading all the posted comments.
haha yeah good moral...I have to learn things the hard way
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Gpetrou, thanks for stopping by
Maggs, great you stumbled on my hub and had some fun.
Tatcliffe, most of us learn the hard way. Hell, who said anything in life was easy!
funny stuff you nut.
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Hey CC you're back! How the hell are you!
C.C, it's about time you show up!
Cindyvine, I really don't understand how twitter works?!
I've had my arm hair singed, but never an eyebrow - THANK GOD.
I'm jus passin thru for now. still love y'all very much ya know. Ain't been the same lately, but soon will be back to glorified self!LOL I need a new avatar
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May, still haven't quite got hand of twitter myself, just know that it is a bit easier to use if you download the tweetdeck application and you can link your status updates to your facebook
Tom, please don't lose the eyebrow
CC, hope your health returns as strong as ever
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May, still haven't quite got hand of twitter myself, just know that it is a bit easier to use if you download the tweetdeck application and you can link your status updates to your facebook
Tom, please don't lose the eyebrow
CC, hope your health returns as strong as ever
I am sure glad you shared this story,cindy. All need to be careful when cooking. Spouses need to be ahem,....cool,when the better half is doing the cooking.
Wonderful, you write so well (-:
I think I'd have taught the man in question a valuable lesson, though...
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PP, yeah men must keep there hands to themselves when us women are craeting in the kitchen
LG, thanks for the compliment, I don't think that man will ever learn, sigh...
look on the bright side, you did, and got rid!
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lol yes and now he's someone else's problem! I was the second wife, then he remarried after our divorce to a woman 17 years older than him, but they divorced after he put her in hospital. I had a lucky escape!
LOL your hub page was funny enough but some of the replies have had me in stitches!!!
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Shimoda lol often the comments are better than the actual hub itself!
I've seen someone burn their moustache when they were trying to light a roach,
but nothing that funny!
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It wasn't funny at the time, how inappropriate was lifting my skirt to pinch my bum! Nobody seems to be concerned about that!
Yeah, he should have at least pinched you through your skirt, eh? Funny story but I'm glad it had a good ending and you didn't get hurt! Just starting out at hubpages, you've got a new fan. By the way, I'm ex-pat living in Taiwan, close to China!
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Thanks Susan, have become your fan as well, welcome to Hubpages! You can start posting hubs about your expat life in Taiwan!
Yeah, there's sure lots to write about. Also lived 25 years in Thailand before this. Now that's a colorful place!
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Yeah, I lived in Thailand for four months when in between contracts!
Great Title. It drew me in!
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Thanks Nicomp!
SINCE everything turned out well...I will say 'How funny!'. Why don't you put this in Readers Digest and get some moola to reward your sorrows! Cheers!
Congratulations! Less than a week and you are already a number one success on Google's first page :) I just posted a screen shot for you in the forum. http://hubpages.com/forum/topic/13632?page=4
Have a great Sunday!
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Thanks Frogyfish, will look into that!
Thanks Princessa, but I been on hubpages for more than a week!
This had to of been a nightmare! And to say the least id I were have done something like that to wife I would of been x Husband as well!!!
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lol Mdawson I'm sure you're too civilised to do something like that to your wife!
For years I have been hearing that sausage was bad for me. Now I know It's ok, as long as I keep my face clear of the flame! Thanks for the warning, and I'm glad your pride was the only casualty!
I thought I read that initiating intimacy in the kitchen was arousing...a sense of adventure. Guess too much adventure for you?
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Kea, yeah, the intimacy made me so hot it set me on fire!
BT, sausages and intimacy don't go together
Are you sure? Cause I'm pretty sure that sausage goes with just about everything.
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Well, I do like a bit of sausage every now and then...
Did you learn your lesson?
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lol yes Jswim, never poke a sausage with a fork when it's under the grill!
New Yorkers, particularly Italians, sometimes refer to a game called "hide the salami"...but that's a different story. Quite a popular game, though.
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Yes Mr G, might have indulged in that game in the past...
Go ahead, What a story.
Thats certainly a different method of hair removal, maybe I'll give that one a miss. Great hub though.
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Sumon, I'll check it out!
Sammyaddams, be a devil and try out my hair removal method! lol
I'm sorry I didn't check this out earlier, but it really is worthy of the best of the hubmob! Seriously.
Hilarious, sorry you had this experience but glad you shared it with us. Congrats for the Hub of the week!!! it's well deserved.
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Lifebydesign, there are so many great hubs to check out, it's not difficult to miss some, but glad you found your way here in the end!
Thanks Gwendymom!
Congratulations for the hub of the week, saying a well deserved one would be an under statement. You are one of the fine writers with the perfect comic timing and i love this about you. Sorry for the entire episode but it is your hubbys loss to miss out on something this good in his life.
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Thanks for the congrats and kind words, Charanjeet
Thanks for the sausage warning! I'd also warn others of turning on the gas stove in preparation of re-lighting the pilot light that went out and waiting too long. When I dropped the match in, it blew the oven door off, the pictures on the wall off, eliminated my eyebrows and eyelasses. Kept my hair. That was years ago, and to this day if I open the oven door - the dog runs and hides behind my husband.
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Lol Jerlilee! They do grow back eventually, eh. Poor dog, lol
Hi Cindy long time no see ROFL
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Crazy lady, now spose I have to do the same in return?
This is great stuff. Now you can write a hub explaining how you got to the front page of Google using the search terms "hair removed by sausages". Loved it.
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Well Wannabwestern, guess not many people write articles called hair removed by sausages!
Hilarious although I am glad you didn't suffer permanent damage. (pride doesn't count)I wish I had a dollar for every time I have opened the oven and the sudden rush of heat melts my mascara and fused my eyelashes together. I never learn.
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Lastwordlinda, I'm pleased I'm not the only one that does silly things with ovens!
Very funny story, thanks for sharing!
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The laserman, thanks and lucky I survived to share the story, eh?
Certainly grounds for a divorce..., and one of the most interesting and humorously told stories I've heard in a while.
I frightened my girl in the kitchen once while she was holding a sharp knife. Some lessons only need to be learned once.
Great Hub
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Canklefish, you need to tell us what happened with the knife!
That was really fun to read but realizing the conditions, it is good that the result was not that serious... just a divorce from insensitive mischievous husband.
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MH, you forgot the word 'immature' when you were mentioning the ex! lol!
whoa, interesting read but very weird..
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Hair, sometimes some people just have weird things happen to them!
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