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Hair removed by sausages
This is a true story, I swear
After reading about how men hate shaving and different things to do with hair and hair removal, I thought it might be an idea to share my story of what happened to me. If you are squeamish or frighten easily, then read no further. What happened to me, I wouldn't want to wish on my worst enemy. The details of wish will appear below, and might cause many to have sleepless nights as they subconsciously relive my pain and humiliation. Okay, it wasn't painful, just very humiliating.
This story does not take place in a beauty salon, or any other establishment you usually connect with hair removal. This story, this very real story, took place in my kitchen. Yes you are amazed I know. No, my ex-husband did not pluck my eyebrows using the tongs. What happened, was far, far worse.
As some of you might be aware, I have a penchant for making home-made sausages. I make many different varieties, my favourite of which is Boerewors, a traditional South African sausage with a strong underlying taste of roasted coriander. But I digress. On this fine day, I was cooking some shop-bought Boerewors under the grill. You put the grill on high, and the sausages close to the grill and turn them when they start to get brown. You never, never prick a sausage like I have seem some dimwits do at barbecues. Only right royal pricks do that. That releases the fat and causes you to end up having a very dry sausage instead of a juicy one. Dry sausages look like dried dog turds and probably taste just as bad. The sausage has to be cooked on the outside, but retain the meat juices. You know a sausage is good when the juice dribbles down your chin.
On this warm summer's evening, I was bending down with my butt in the air, the oven door open, and carefully using a fork to turn over the sausages. My ex-husband stealthily crept up behind me, and lifted up my skirt and pinched me on my bum. This caused a chain of reactions which was more frightening that the Butterfly Effect. I'm not sure if it was the shock of not being alone in the kitchen, or my skirt being lifted up or somebody pinching me on the bum, but I accidentally stabbed a sausage that I was carefully rolling over with the fork, releasing a veritable geyser of fatty juices which flew upwards at a rate of knots and hit the grill. The heat from the grill immediately ignited and sent a huge whoosh of flames out the oven door, as hot air rises.
My face was in the direct path of the flames. Luckily, my face did not get burnt and all I got from the experience with regards my face was a very ruddy complexion, as if I had been sunbathing without suncream for 16 hours solid. However, my lovely Cindy Crawford/Margot Hemingway bushy eyebrows singed completely and frizzled to a foul-smelling mass above my eyes. My eyelashes suffered a similar fate, as did the hair on the top of my head. The acrid smell of burning hair permeated from the walls and floorboards.
My ex-husband did not apologise for creeping up behind me, lifting my skirt, pinching my bum and unleashing this full chain of disaterous events. With due respect, I think he might have had the original intention to give me a hug and say sorry, as he did take a step towards me with his arms open. However, as I turned around with a menacing snarl on my face, still bent over double with a crook in my back, he took one look at me and burst into hysterical laughter. I quickly forgot my anger as humiliation rose to the fore and I ran screaming into the bathroom and locked the door. looking at myself in the mirror, I couldn't help but notice that the top of my previously straight hair was all frizzy. My eyebrows were frizzy and my eyelashes dropped off as i rubbed my eyes.
I did look a sight, but was too upset and humiliated to laugh. I decided to try and brush the frizz out of my hair. However, anybody with frizz caused by a burn will know, that once exposed to heat, hair becomes very fragile. Two strokes of the brush and my frizzed hair dropped into the wash basin. I now had a reverse mohawk. Rubbing my eyebrows caused most of the hairs on them to join my mohawk in the wash basin. Without eyebrows, I closely resembled an alien from one of those Star wars movies.
Can you wonder why I got divorced. I did forgive him over time. When my hair grew back. Moral of the story is, don't get too close to a flame and don't let your partner get frisky when cooking.
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Comments
- Author
Hair, sometimes some people just have weird things happen to them!
whoa, interesting read but very weird..
- Author
MH, you forgot the word 'immature' when you were mentioning the ex! lol!
That was really fun to read but realizing the conditions, it is good that the result was not that serious... just a divorce from insensitive mischievous husband.
- Author
Canklefish, you need to tell us what happened with the knife!
Certainly grounds for a divorce..., and one of the most interesting and humorously told stories I've heard in a while.
I frightened my girl in the kitchen once while she was holding a sharp knife. Some lessons only need to be learned once.
Great Hub
- Author
The laserman, thanks and lucky I survived to share the story, eh?
Very funny story, thanks for sharing!
- Author
Lastwordlinda, I'm pleased I'm not the only one that does silly things with ovens!
Hilarious although I am glad you didn't suffer permanent damage. (pride doesn't count)I wish I had a dollar for every time I have opened the oven and the sudden rush of heat melts my mascara and fused my eyelashes together. I never learn.
- Author
Well Wannabwestern, guess not many people write articles called hair removed by sausages!
This is great stuff. Now you can write a hub explaining how you got to the front page of Google using the search terms "hair removed by sausages". Loved it.
- Author
Crazy lady, now spose I have to do the same in return?
Hi Cindy long time no see ROFL
- Author
Lol Jerlilee! They do grow back eventually, eh. Poor dog, lol
Thanks for the sausage warning! I'd also warn others of turning on the gas stove in preparation of re-lighting the pilot light that went out and waiting too long. When I dropped the match in, it blew the oven door off, the pictures on the wall off, eliminated my eyebrows and eyelasses. Kept my hair. That was years ago, and to this day if I open the oven door - the dog runs and hides behind my husband.
- Author
Thanks for the congrats and kind words, Charanjeet
Congratulations for the hub of the week, saying a well deserved one would be an under statement. You are one of the fine writers with the perfect comic timing and i love this about you. Sorry for the entire episode but it is your hubbys loss to miss out on something this good in his life.
- Author
Lifebydesign, there are so many great hubs to check out, it's not difficult to miss some, but glad you found your way here in the end!
Thanks Gwendymom!
Hilarious, sorry you had this experience but glad you shared it with us. Congrats for the Hub of the week!!! it's well deserved.
I'm sorry I didn't check this out earlier, but it really is worthy of the best of the hubmob! Seriously.
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Sumon, I'll check it out!
Sammyaddams, be a devil and try out my hair removal method! lol
Thats certainly a different method of hair removal, maybe I'll give that one a miss. Great hub though.
Go ahead, What a story.
- Author
Yes Mr G, might have indulged in that game in the past...
New Yorkers, particularly Italians, sometimes refer to a game called "hide the salami"...but that's a different story. Quite a popular game, though.
- Author
lol yes Jswim, never poke a sausage with a fork when it's under the grill!
Did you learn your lesson?
- Author
Well, I do like a bit of sausage every now and then...
Are you sure? Cause I'm pretty sure that sausage goes with just about everything.
- Author
Kea, yeah, the intimacy made me so hot it set me on fire!
BT, sausages and intimacy don't go together
I thought I read that initiating intimacy in the kitchen was arousing...a sense of adventure. Guess too much adventure for you?
For years I have been hearing that sausage was bad for me. Now I know It's ok, as long as I keep my face clear of the flame! Thanks for the warning, and I'm glad your pride was the only casualty!
- Author
lol Mdawson I'm sure you're too civilised to do something like that to your wife!
This had to of been a nightmare! And to say the least id I were have done something like that to wife I would of been x Husband as well!!!
- Author
Thanks Frogyfish, will look into that!
Thanks Princessa, but I been on hubpages for more than a week!
Congratulations! Less than a week and you are already a number one success on Google's first page :) I just posted a screen shot for you in the forum. http://hubpages.com/forum/topic/13632?page=4
Have a great Sunday!
SINCE everything turned out well...I will say 'How funny!'. Why don't you put this in Readers Digest and get some moola to reward your sorrows! Cheers!
- Author
Thanks Nicomp!
Great Title. It drew me in!
- Author
Yeah, I lived in Thailand for four months when in between contracts!
Yeah, there's sure lots to write about. Also lived 25 years in Thailand before this. Now that's a colorful place!
- Author
Thanks Susan, have become your fan as well, welcome to Hubpages! You can start posting hubs about your expat life in Taiwan!
Yeah, he should have at least pinched you through your skirt, eh? Funny story but I'm glad it had a good ending and you didn't get hurt! Just starting out at hubpages, you've got a new fan. By the way, I'm ex-pat living in Taiwan, close to China!
- Author
It wasn't funny at the time, how inappropriate was lifting my skirt to pinch my bum! Nobody seems to be concerned about that!
I've seen someone burn their moustache when they were trying to light a roach,
but nothing that funny!
- Author
Shimoda lol often the comments are better than the actual hub itself!
LOL your hub page was funny enough but some of the replies have had me in stitches!!!
- Author
lol yes and now he's someone else's problem! I was the second wife, then he remarried after our divorce to a woman 17 years older than him, but they divorced after he put her in hospital. I had a lucky escape!
look on the bright side, you did, and got rid!
- Author
PP, yeah men must keep there hands to themselves when us women are craeting in the kitchen
LG, thanks for the compliment, I don't think that man will ever learn, sigh...
Wonderful, you write so well (-:
I think I'd have taught the man in question a valuable lesson, though...
I am sure glad you shared this story,cindy. All need to be careful when cooking. Spouses need to be ahem,....cool,when the better half is doing the cooking.
- Author
May, still haven't quite got hand of twitter myself, just know that it is a bit easier to use if you download the tweetdeck application and you can link your status updates to your facebook
Tom, please don't lose the eyebrow
CC, hope your health returns as strong as ever
- Author
May, still haven't quite got hand of twitter myself, just know that it is a bit easier to use if you download the tweetdeck application and you can link your status updates to your facebook
Tom, please don't lose the eyebrow
CC, hope your health returns as strong as ever
I'm jus passin thru for now. still love y'all very much ya know. Ain't been the same lately, but soon will be back to glorified self!LOL I need a new avatar
I've had my arm hair singed, but never an eyebrow - THANK GOD.
C.C, it's about time you show up!
Cindyvine, I really don't understand how twitter works?!
- Author
Hey CC you're back! How the hell are you!
funny stuff you nut.
- Author
Gpetrou, thanks for stopping by
Maggs, great you stumbled on my hub and had some fun.
Tatcliffe, most of us learn the hard way. Hell, who said anything in life was easy!
haha yeah good moral...I have to learn things the hard way
I was caught by your title and I am so glad I was, I have had a real good visit I enjoyed your story which is all the funnier for being a true story and I also enjoyed reading all the posted comments.
good
- Author
ta muchly blonde
I have given this hub a plug on twitter hope it brings in some traffic for you. Right on.
- Author
Blue, Cindy hand makes those sausages
Dineana, yeah, I like the more random hubs myself
Ratcliffe, moral of the story, don't dry long hair by the fire lol
Oh my gosh so funny!!!! I know what you mean i once dried my hair by the fire and it singed the back of my head it was horrible...but i have to say what happened here is way worse, but funny
good story Cindy! I have to admit, these "almost" off-topic hubs are my favorites part of the hubmobs :-)
Yes Misty...I read it...still .....all those sharp utensils...and I'm not sure where cindy is getting all those sausages!!!!
- Author
lol Misty!
I wrote a hub several months ago about Kitchen Utensils in the Bedroom which could change your mind R. Blue :)
- Author
Thanks Am I dead yet! Think tears might flow freely!
I am glad you are ok now. and congrats on your good news!
- Author
Yeah, my 1.98m 92kg baby boy!
Awwww, you allowed to cry as many tears as you want. How wonderful have a great day Cindy, and a big congratulations to your son woo hoo.
- Author
6.15 am, need to make school lunches, have a coffee, shower and head to school. My son has his final grade 12 graduating assembly today. Think I might cry.
Yea after lunch not that I really want to lol. Grrrrrr. How about you CIndy ???
- Author
Yeah, lol, g'day to you Blonde, you going to work today?
It is ok CV I did not really like the decor in the old one. What a way to get a new kitchen wooo hooo.
- Author
Trailertrash, good to put a smile on yer dial
Janetta, no ex-hubby made up for it later but I did eventually put his sausage out to pasture when I left him
Blue, kitchen utensils can be very arousing. Use your imagination
BP, sorry you set your lucious blonde tresses on fire and then burnt down the kitchen, tsk...tsk...
Hahaha oh Cindy what a experience,thank God it was just those bits that got burnt.Crikeys you are so lucky. Boy it made me laugh though,for one I know now without doubt you have a huge sausage fetish, look at the ones on the barby, gee Cindy they are the most jumungus things I have ever seen. Almost like snakes.I touch wood have never set fire to my face, apart from a few times my hair caught on fire but my hair was so long it was just at the back so that was ok. However as you probably read I did burn the kitchen down once by mistake, I was only renting it, the buggers took 6 months to come and give me a new one.Well done Sin, you told that one beautifully.
Yea when our skirts are lifted up like that so suddenly anything can happen.Happens to me all the time LMAO.
Men are somewhat perverted???? Give us some credit....we're totally perverted.....though kitchen utensils and such aren't particularly arousing to me.....knives and too many sharp things in the kitchen for my liking.
Oh good grief! I will never look at sausauge the same way again! You poor thing! I think I would have been threatening the exhubby's 'sausage' after that fiasco if u know what I mean...LOL
LOL that was funny!
- Author
What is it about our butts in the kitchen? Agree with you Pam, men are some what perverted I guess.
cindy, "reverse mohawk!" ROFL! This is way too funny. Why is it always the kitchen? What is it about a woman in the kitchen that makes a man so frisky? My husband's idea of foreplay was to poke me in the butt cheek with a fork while I was washing dishes. Yea, oh baby, nothing says lovin' like a fork in the butt cheek. *smirk*
- Author
lol Tottie, well I was his meal ticket and ended up divorcing him, so maybe that was his punishment
I'd try and think of a suitable punishment for the ex. Though perhaps that's punishment enouch.
- Author
Yeah, should have shaved his pubic hair and accidentally nicked him when he was asleep!
If someone snuck up on me like that and pinched my ass, you know I'll make sure they'll suffer the same fate! That's why a lot of my friends and co-workers don't play any more pranks on me. Grrrr....
- Author
lol Sandman
OCH, if I ever but asa man it's not likely but if I ever decide to remove my eye brows I think I'll use the tweezers and pluck method thank you
- Author
lol Blue, at least you wouldn't have lifted my skirt and pinched my bum because You're a gentleman.
AE, Can't really remember, they never grew back as long as before though. I used to heave really long eyelashes.
It is horrifying and funny all at one time!!! How long did it take for the eyelashes to grow back :D
Sorry...I never got past the image of you with sausage juice running down your chin.
- Author
Thanks for the compliment, Misty!
Eric, yeah have had a few narrow escapes with barbies myself
If there was a competition for the hub with the most bizzare name, I'd be nominating this one!
I nearly had a similar experience when bending down to see why the barbecue wasn't lighting, and then it did - with a big ball of flame. Luckily I wasn't too close!
Superb story, just hilarious and described in a way that produces an amazingly detailed image in my head, Still giggling now :)
- Author
lol Christoph, bloody bastard didn't deserve anything good lol
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