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How To Execute A No-Knock Panty Raid

Updated on May 17, 2010

Sometimes people have panties they're not allowed to have. Maybe they're men, or maybe they're illegal aliens from Betelgeuse. Under these circumstances, a no-knock panty raid may be the only method of safely obtaining panties and returning them to the state, where they will be burned in giant panty fires that will billow skywards whilst lingerie aficionados sniff wistfully into the smoke column.

The first secret of the no-knock panty raid is to be heavily armed. Yes, you're going up against civilians, but they're civilians who have lingerie and know how to use it. The last thing you want is anyone on your team being covered in silk and satin by the end of the raid.

You'll need your heavy armaments to shoot anything that moves. Family pets are fair game including, and specifically, corgis. Corgis are well known for their panty-terrorist connections and should be shot on sight, preferably in the back as they run away.

When executing the raid, be sure to pick a time of day most likely to panic occupants, such as the early morning time. If you can catch illicit panty owners in their beds, the panty raid will go that much more smoothly. Alternatively, if they've been up all night tweaking off their minds on satin, you might also be walking into a dangerous situation, so remember, keep your finger on the trigger at all times and don't be afraid to squeeze off a few rounds, just to show who is boss.

A no-knock panty raid should always be conducted as aggressively as possible. Treating other humans like humans only leads to things like 'human rights' which will make your job as a jumped up bully with a badge harder to do. So ensure that you shout loud and offensive slogans as you enter the subject's home. Force them onto the floor, and if possible, stand on their heads. People in possession of lingerie are scum and should be treated as such. The more you can dehumanize the suspect, the better. If beige lingerie is present in the house, you may get away with beating the suspect down, which is fun and releases a lot of stress not released when you battered the door into a thousand wooden shards.

Sometimes it may turn out that you have picked the wrong home. In that case, you should take all due care not to apologize for any casualties you may have inflicted, but lie and claim that the budgie grabbed the gun and shot itself.

And that, my friends, is how you keep the streets safe from illegal lingerie.


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    • profile image

      ILoveLingerie 7 years ago

      Pure greatness!!

      While your at invading other people homes don't forget to torture any hostiles to get intel on further panty terrorist cells. I'm just saying!

    • Hope Alexander profile image

      Hope Alexander 7 years ago

      I believe Euros could be communist... let me get back to you on that one ;) (I fear all words ending in 'ist')

    • profile image

      AlanaRaso 7 years ago

      anyone deliberately purchasing beige lingerie deserves what they get. beige and all its marketing variants should be reserved for POWs (and in cotton only).

    • Imagen Creative profile image

      Geoff Bland 7 years ago from The United Kingdom

      Do you accept Euros?? LOL. Great hub!!

    • profile image

      Mike 7 years ago

      Now there's a piece of satire Alex Jones would be proud of. :-)

    • Manly Man profile image

      Manly Man 7 years ago

      Great pic and hub. Nothing like a little humor.