How to Tell If Fabric Is Male Or Female

At one time, life was simple, things were either made out of cotton or animal hide. You knew where you were with that. Animal hides were male, and cotton was female. In the 1700's, men's undergarments were made exclusively of buckskin, whereas women's undergarments were woven out of cotton.

It was a simpler time, a better time. In this brave new world of synthetic textiles, we've lost our way. We don't know what we're wearing anymore, and it's damaging society as we know it.

You don't want to accidentally ending up wearing female fabric if you're a man, or male fabric if you're a woman. It's incredibly embarrassing, and it can have a serious impact on your health. Men who wear women's fabrics often become effeminate, attracted to the same sex as themselves and have even been known to redecorate whilst their wives are out of the house. Women who inadvertently wear male fabrics become rough and coarse, like the fabric and may take to singing shanties down at the ale house and growing facial hair all over their bodies.

Fortunately, I am here to help you determine the difference between male and female fabrics so that you need never worry about these issues again.

Male fabrics are rough and hard. So rough and hard that they could almost walk on their own. In some cases, they may have at one time actually walked on their own, as in the case of leather. Now some people might say 'Hope, leather isn't a fabric, it's an animal skin,' and to them I would say 'But how many legs does the Apocalypse have?'. Precisely.

Men's fabrics cannot be washed by hand, or by normal washing machine. Men's fabrics can only be cleaned by dropping them out of a speeding fighter plane into the Niagra falls and then drying them out in a nuclear reactor. If a fabric cannot withstand this kind of treatment, then it is not a manly fabric.

Female fabrics are pretty, soft and pink. Always pink. If a fabric is not pink, it is not suitable for female attire. Unless it is a light baby blue, or perhaps ivory. But that is the end of it. Standards must be maintained and lines must be drawn. Female fabrics must also be so soft that when an infant rabbit is placed on it, it instantly falls asleep. Women should therefore be perpetually clad not only in the softest of fabrics, but in sleeping baby bunnies.

So sayeth I.