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How to shave your beard in 15 easy steps.

Updated on November 25, 2009

How to shave your beard in 15 easy steps

So you have woken up out of a complete stupor.  What the hell happened to your face? You have an animal living on it. No wait, it is not an animal, it is your beard.  Where did it come from?  That is besides the point. The real question is, "How are you going to get that ugliness off of your face"?  For those of you that have been living in a cave for most of your life,  I will now explain how to rid yourself of your beard.

Here is how you shave your face.

  • First, go to a pharmacy or supermarket...or gas station...or into your Dad's shaving kit and locate a blade.  Make sure that blade is not damaged.  Therefore, look at the blade and be sure that it does not protrude in a way that will somehow dismember your face from its head area.  Also, look to see that there is no blood on the blade.  This is just plain gross.  Now that you have examined the blade move onto step number two...
  • Step number...Second.  Start shaving your face.  If you are scared that you will do a poor job, you are probably right.  You can try practicing shaving on a balloon to make sure your do not complete suck.  If your balloon does not pop, your face will stay in tack. If on the other hand it does pop, get ready with a lot of toilet paper to do some repairs.
  • Third, if your beard is too long, try using scissors to trim the grotesque pile of animal death on your face.  If you are scared practice on someone else first.  Yeah...ask a complete stranger if you can chip away at their face with dull scissor.  You will get a "Yes" in no time.  If you struggle with that move onto step 4.
  • 4.  I cannot believe you do not know how to shave your face.
  • 5.  If all else fails, go for lazer hair removal.  But don't stop there, make sure they get all the hair off your body.  Look at the upside, you can become a swimmer.  If that is not an upside for you...tough.  You made a poor decision.  Bald...ify yourself.
  • 6.  Made you look.
  • 7. You seriously can't shave your face?  Were you abandoned as a child?
  • 8.  Whatever you do, be certain that you do not use a chef's knife to get rid of the beard.
  • 9. After you have cleaned your face, put on some after shave.


Good luck with shaving your face.  Remember that it is really pointless keep shaving; it only grows back.  Be happy with your beard.  I think this was about shaving....maybe morality.

Once upon a time....it was the end of the article.

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