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If the Government is going to tell me what time it is, it should also buy me a watch

Updated on November 2, 2014

It's that time again, says Washington.

Regulating speed limits, salt intake, and public airwaves is not sufficient. Our ubiquitous government pokes its camel nose into the tent of your most precious resource. Your time should probably be your own, but you'd better change your clocks accordingly.

Surely We The People possess sufficient wherewithal to decide what time it is. Most of us get to work promptly. We show up for movies and ballgames and colonoscopies. No one on the public payroll offered me a wake up call for my last job interview.

If we are to play along with capricious semiannual clock-winding then we should be rewarded. The Government owes a watch or three. Cornucopias of timepieces proffer themselves online. All you have to do is take the time to click.

Timex Ironman

The IronMan triathlon race exemplifies dedication to sweating and carcinoma. Every participant sports a watch because they might want to know the time as they swim, bike, and run across Hawaii. Timex provides you, Mr and Mrs Couch Potato, the same high technology device for a very reasonable price.

Wrap it around your underdeveloped wrist for instant access to digital readouts of time, date, altitude, temperature, heart rate, humidity, blood pressure, instantaneous linear acceleration, bilateral referential existential differential computational relativity and Twitter.

Tony Stark wears one under his suit, as far as you know.

Movado Women's Watch

When a woman goes somewhere she should not be dependent on a man for anything. That is her choice. She might be journeying to pick up a loaf of bread or traveling across the globe to shop for watches. Whatever her intended destination she must be independent. She absolutely cannot find herself in need of the current time in a room full of men. Those men will be wearing Timex IronMan watches but that one individual independent woman must be chronologically self-sufficient. Her left wrist or her right wrist should be festooned with a Woman's Watch from Movado.

Movado is to watches what Timex is to watches except you would not run a triathlon wearing a Movado device unless they signed you to a really sweet endorsement contract. These watches communicate your current time in any country and probably on the face of the Moon. No woman would go to the Moon because that would require dependance on a Man, but it's nice to know that Movado would be there for her.

If you are reading this, and I don't know why you wouldn't be, and you are not a woman, you can nevertheless order up several Movado watches for the women in your life. Just be sure to make them think it was their idea.

Stainless Steel Watches

Your time is your own and should be securely kept. A Timex IronMan chronograph is light and reliable, perfect for navigating shark-infested waters. However, nothing securely secures hours minutes and seconds like stainless steel.

In 1912 Harry Brearley toiled at the Brown-Firth research laboratory in Sheffield, England. He combined metals and alloys to ostensibly investigate corrosion-resistant gun barrels. We suspect his motivation to be elsewhere, but history is unclear. Over time enterprising engineers realized that "Stainless Steel" could be re-purposed for wrist-mounted accoutrement. Mr Brearley would no doubt approve.

Watch with a Phone

You have the current time figured out? Expand your horizons. Supplemental metrics present themselves to the avid watch wearer.

A watch sporting Bluetooth that talks to your smartphone just might possibly be the coolest thing since Harry Brearley invented Stainless Steel. Rather than expend precious energy extracting your phone from your pocket, simply poke a button on your watch.

Instant waves of digital energy course form the phone through your body, out the other side, and into your watch. Your phone talks to your watch and your watch talks to you. Dick Tracy said it was possible but no one believed him.

This thing is amazing. It's like having a phone that also tells you the current time. You will be a huge hit at parties. You will find yourself in constant demand during IronMan races: everyone will want to call home while they change out of their individual bathing suits after swimming through shark-infested waters. You will be the only person talking to their watch not suffering from dehydration and heat stroke.

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Acquiesce to government interference in chronological activities. Adorn your wrists such that a correct time is always available.

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    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 3 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @AustinStar , I need a 27" LED 240Hz monitor strapped to my arm.

      @Pop , good point. Anything the gov't gives us was taken away from someone else and will have strings attached.

    • breakfastpop profile image

      breakfastpop 3 years ago

      If the government gives us a watch it will definitely have a tracking device in it!!

    • Austinstar profile image

      Lela 3 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

      What we need today is an ipad that straps to your arm. Then we can develop pretty cases and covers for it and make a fortune!