No Spanx

You look good, no, you look hot tonight, and the person you're with certainly has noticed and that's why their hands are all over you, tugging at your clothes and pulling you close. You're right at that moment where you are about to throw yourself on the bed and have sweaty, dirty, amazing sex and you stop and say... "Give me 3 minutes, I need to take my Spanx off." Huuuaallggh!

I have 1 pair of Spanx. I bought them at Target when they first came out, and the inventor, Sara Blakely, was all over the media telling anyone who'd give her airtime how ingenious she was. I bought them and didn't even know why I was buying them, I just know I was instructed to by lady magazines. I got home and took them out of the package and laid them out on my bed. They were, essentially, just the top half of a pair of beige tights. This bitch, Sara Blakely, is a billionaire for selling just the top half of beige tights. I'm baffled. I think, there must be some sort of magic I'm gonna feel when I put these on. I took off my pants, slipped my feet in, and then spent the next 15 minutes gyrating and squatting to get the top up where it belonged, which I'm guessing is somewhere under my boobs. I looked in the mirror, and I thought so many things. As a young woman, though, you should never look at yourself in the mirror and think you look like Mrs. Doubtfire without her dress on. I screamed and tried to get them off as quickly as possible, but they were stuck. I can hear John and Jayden outside the bedroom and I yell, "Don't come in here! Don't ever come in here!" I'm panicking, I'm sweating, and I'm poking myself with my own fingernails. I finally get the Spanx off and I hide them in the back of my pantyhose drawer.

Can someone explain to me why these are supposed to make you feel good. Unless feeling good feels like you can't breathe, and you think you are the unsexiest woman on the planet. I don't care what color you get them in or what fun print, you are still sausaging your waist into this uncomfortable thing, that doesn't get rid of your fat rolls, it just makes them appear a little more unified. And what's more, you get that roll of fat an inch under your boobs that completely encircles your body, and then two fat rings on each thigh. The model on the package has 0% bodyfat so you would have no idea that this product would do that to you. And because everyone was talking about Spanx like they were sent from heaven, why would you ever suspect how evil they are.

I've put mine on (in the dark) a few times since I've bought them a couple of years ago. It's never worth it. When I wear them with jeans, they ooze out of the back when I sit, and it's hard for me to wear them with skirts and dresses because my skirts and dresses tend to be on the short side and I get scared that the bottoms are gonna poke out from under my hemline, exposing me for the vain imposter I am. It's hard to find the right outfit to wear them with. Pretty much, the only time I wear them is if there is absolutely no chance I might have sex that day. I'm all for using products to make me look hotter, I have padded push-up bras, fake hair, a trunk full of make up, and a wall of shoes that give me several inches so that I look slightly taller than a 5th grader; but all of those things are easily removable and inconspicuous. You don't want to be shimmying out of these things in front of the person who is about to ravage you. Even if you took them off before your partner sees you, you've still got all of those tell-tale indent marks under your boobs, around your thighs, and that sad thin winding little line that follows the length of your belly like a topographical map of a river in the Appalachian mountains.

Girls, let me save you $27. You don't need this product. If you want to look better in jeans, get some exercise. Walk past the Spanx aisle, don't buy into what the label says. The label might be telling a fraction of the truth, but at what price? Your dignity and self worth? Your curves look better soft and supple than cramped and liney. I wouldn't even be writing this but there is something that is keeping this company in business and I think it's this undying idea that we need to constantly improve not only our own body image, but that of our friends too. Oh yes, we love making our friends over! So when your friend gushes to you, "OMG! You've got to get a pair!" Just put up your hand and say, "No, Spanx."