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On the Importance of Cleaning Your Shoes

Updated on November 15, 2009

Barbara: Welcome to the View. Today's topic is "The Importance of Cleaning Your Shoes."

Whoopie: The Man keeps us down by making us wear shoes.

Elisabeth: I never wore shoes when I was on Survivor. Now I can afford any shoes I want. Imelda Marcos would be jealous of my shoe closet.

Barbara: Please be quiet Elisabeth. I am about to speak.

Elisabeth: When I was on Survivor I was never quiet.

Joy: I have a stand-up routine. I can do 15 minutes on the importance of cleaning your shoes.

Barbara: Shut up, all of you. I am about to bestow my opinion on the shoe cleaning moral imperative.

Whoopie: Shoe morality is a creation of The Man to keep us down.

Barbara: Please, close your pie holes long enough to listen to me. Many of you already know that I was the first female co-anchor of a network evening news show, back when network evening news shows mattered.

Joy: Back when dinosaurs ruled the Earth?

Barbara: You can be replaced. We have another overweight lawyer on standby in the Green Room.

Whoopie: Ever wonder why the Green Room is green? Well-

Barbara: <Interrupting > No, it's not The Man's fault again.

Elisabeth: Can we talk about our shoes some more?

Barbara: Our first guest has written a book titled "Shoe gotta be kidding: The plight of the Modern Woman in the Era of Dirty Footwear." Please welcome Dr. Molly Cule.

<Polite applause from the audience>

Elisabeth: Dr. Cule, where did you get those adorable size 12 Pradas?

Barbara: Dr. Cule, where do you stand on the importance of cleaning your shoes?

Whoopie: My shoes still have clay on them from when we filmed 'Ghost'.

Barbara: Don't take this wrong; you're a moron.You weren't even in that scene.

Elisabeth: That's mean. She was a ghost. She could have been in every scene and we didn't see her.

Whoopie: Thank you, Elisabeth.

Barbara: We'll be back after this message from Dr. Scholl's.

<Producer's Voice>: You've been canceled. We're going with reruns of The McLaughlin Group. Perhaps we can negate some of this lunacy.

Barbara: I wonder if Regis needs a partner.

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    • Niteriter profile image

      Niteriter 7 years ago from Canada

      There's an ad on here saying they're gonna ship Designer Goods to Canada. That makes me feel better because I was all depressed about having to spend my Adsense riches on deerskins and polar bear hides again.

    • The Old Firm profile image

      The Old Firm 7 years ago from Waikato/Bay Of Plenty, New Zealand

      And now you've published.

      Dear Hubmonsters, I apologise from the hearten of my bot! (Grovel, grovel.)

    • nicomp profile image
      Author

      nicomp really 7 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @The Old Firm: I forgot to click Publish. They reminded me of that. My bad.

    • nicomp profile image
      Author

      nicomp really 7 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @The Old Firm: I love you.

    • The Old Firm profile image

      The Old Firm 7 years ago from Waikato/Bay Of Plenty, New Zealand

      Great, a sight gag.

    • nicomp profile image
      Author

      nicomp really 7 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @The Old Firm: mmph mmmmghhh mmphphpmhhhpppphhh

    • The Old Firm profile image

      The Old Firm 7 years ago from Waikato/Bay Of Plenty, New Zealand

      Naughty nicomp, the Hubmonsters have pulled your last hub. You shouldn't tweak the noses of the Gods, now we'll never know the non-pc way to make money here.

      If you stick to political raving or religious fanaticism that insults, degrades, and offends most of America and all the rest of the world you can publish to your little heart's content, secure under the umbrella of the right to free speech, but for God's sake don't try to be humorous!

      Cheers,

      TOF

    • nicomp profile image
      Author

      nicomp really 7 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @drcrischasse: Thanks much.

    • drcrischasse profile image

      drcrischasse 7 years ago from NH/Foxboro

      too funny!

    • nicomp profile image
      Author

      nicomp really 7 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @maven101: Thanks!

    • maven101 profile image

      maven101 7 years ago from Northern Arizona

      nicomp...This would work wonderfully on SNL...want an agent..?

      Funny stuff, with just the right amount of sarcasm to work as satire ..Thanks, Larry