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Patriotic Men Wear Stockings

Updated on April 11, 2010

I've just caught on to the fact that calling something 'patriotic' makes it instantly socially acceptable, so I suggest that all men who like wearing stocking do so under the crafty guise of patriotism. It's always bad form to question someone's patriotism, so you may very well get an entirely free ride simply by saying 'I'm wearing stockings for my country,' or at a pinch 'I'm wearing stockings to support the troops.' Everybody loves supporting the troops. This tactic will work in almost any country in the world, though it is sure to be exceptionally effective in countries that engage in a lot of flag waving and patriotic rhetoric, like North Korea, China and the United States of America.

Wear your stockings out and about whenever you get the urge, and if you're questioned on your stockings, simply throw out a random quote from either Sarah Palin or Glenn Beck, the Mistress and Master of misguided patriotism. Here are a few to get you started:

"As Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where– where do they go? It's Alaska. It's just right over the border." - Palin

“I love my country, and I fear for it.”
- Beck

"I'm thinking about killing Michael Moore, and I'm wondering if I could kill him myself, or if I would need to hire somebody to do it".
- Beck

"When I see a 9/11 victim family on television, or whatever, I'm just like, 'Oh shut up' I'm so sick of them because they're always complaining."

"We believe that the best of America is not all in Washington, D.C. ... We believe that the best of America is in these small towns that we get to visit, and in these wonderful little pockets of what I call the real America, being here with all of you hard working very patriotic, um, very, um, pro-America areas of this great nation."
- Palin

Those are some guaranteed conversation stoppers there, but if people insist on questioning you further, I have some more fun rationalization for you, along with a vague explanation as to how it might be considered patriotic for a person to wear stockings.

Stockings bring nations together, like they bring thighs together but they bring these surfaces (or nations) together with a comfortable, smooth barrier too small to allow illegal immigrants through. Stocking wearing can therefore be said to perform on an international basis the same task it performs on a personal basis, facilitating the friendly rubbing movement of thighs (or nation states) without chafing.


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      kymcd 8 years ago

      My doctor told me I had to wear support stockings it was a dream come true now I could wear stockings every day and they were free .I have never regretted it.

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      Nanciboy 8 years ago

      Chris, you could always wear red and blue polish with white stars (assuming you are in the USofA of course). ;)

      Myself, I'm sticking with my Orly Rose Colored Glasses polish and to h__l with what people think.

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      Chris 8 years ago

      Oh, I am SO on board with this! The next time somebody asks why I am wearing a skirt, or nail polish, or heels (these being the visible elements of my outré couture) then I am going to reply "To Support Our Troops."

      I will enjoy watching them ponder just exactly what my pink nail varnish has to do with the troops.

      Great idea Hope - Thanks!

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      Hope Alexander 8 years ago

      What? Wearing a basque and suspenders isn't patriotic? That sounds like communist talk to me! :D

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      NatalieSmith 8 years ago

      I'm not so sure this would work with many articles of clothing. People might start suspecting something when you try to claim that you are wearing a basque and suspenders out of nothing but sheer patriotism :P