The Case for Same Sox Legislation

No, it's not a typo. I didn't mean to say same sex.

It's SOX or socks or stockings-- especially the men's and boy's kinds which come in too many varieties with different lengths, textures, elasticity and stripes.

As a mother with a husband and two sons in the same house for many years, I spent an inappropriate portion of my best years sorting sox.

I'm thinking that a few simple laws for sockmakers and sockwearers will give each mom, with three or more males in the household, an equivalent of about 1.8 years worth of additional productive time.

Instead of spending that time sorting, she can pursue a fascinating and profitable hobby, catch up on lost sleep, or go shopping.

A. Sock makers will be required to make lots of plain white and plain black sox that all match each other in texture, ribbing, elasticity and toe reinforcement details.

Adult males over the age of 18 will ONLY be allowed to wear:
1.) plain white sox or
2.) plain black sox

The only exceptions will be:

3.) On St. Patrick's Day green socks will be allowed. An adult male will be allowed one pair of green socks which should last an entire lifetime, since they will only be worn one day a year, or twice if someone crosses the international dateline on that particular date.

4.) All citizens will still be allowed one Christmas stocking to hang by the fireplace, with the stipulation that it will NOT be worn by the owner, especially when it contains chocolate.

B. Males under 18 will wear white socks with colored stripes on the upper ribbing.

Designated sock stripe color for sons 1-6 will be printed on the birth certificate, passport, driver's license, any other legally required document and social security card of each male child.

The first born son will have red stripes, the second: orange, the third: yellow, the fourth: green, the fifth: blue, the sixth Indigo, and the seventh: violet. This follows the scientific sequence of the spectral prismatic rainbow.

Anyone with more than seven sons is on their own, because they have more problems to solve than sock sorting. (Blended families will have to figure this out for themselves.)

C. The coming of age sock ritual: Since we don't have enough modern rites of passage, this procedure will allow for a male reaching the age of 18 to exchange all of his striped socks for plain white and/or plain black sox in a significant ritualized sock ceremony .

(An adult male can have some of each-- but will get a tax deduction and government subsidy if he chooses to use ONLY white or ONLY black exclusively.)

D. A wall street type sock exchange, with professional sockbrokers will be established where socks of various values will be traded, bought and sold to benefit male-dominated families and their mothers. Sock options will be limited by the same sox legislation.

E. Badly worn socks will be sent to sockyards, where they will be repaired, reused or recycled as appropriate.

F. Electric or propane heated socks will be banned. (They are too hard to wash, anyway.) Inflatable socks, anti-gravity socks, magnetic socks, velcro socks, microwaveable socks and socks with zippers, buttons, snaps or rubber wheels will be banned.

This legislation will significantly cut down on the "single unmatched sock phenomenon" which previously has resulted in baskets full of depressed, lonely, unpaired socks being stashed in the back of dark closets without hope of ever finding their perfect mate.

It will also do away with the internet sock-matching scams which have tricked a lot of sock-sorters into thinking that it is actually possible to find a "perfect match" online.

If one person's socks all match, there will never be more than one odd sock in a household -- which can always be used for to make a marble bag, sock drawer sachet, or monkey-puppet.

Commenters may feel free add suggestions to the legislation proposal.