The Deadliest Bra In The World
Lingerie is sexy, and danger is sexy, so why not combine the two? That was the idea of Ms Paxton Quigley, inventor of the 'Super Bra', a brassiere capable of holding a .38 calibre snub nosed pistol and a cannister of pepper spray. Ms Quigley is also the author of at least three books 'Armed & Female', 'Stayin' Alive - Armed & Female In An Unsafe World', and 'Not An Easy Target'.
Up until reading this article you might have thought that lingerie couldn't be combined with extreme paranoia, but you'd have been wrong, so wrong. What started out for me as a harmless bit of research into a quirky piece of lingerie quickly turned into a matter of life and death.
How did that happen? Let me start from the beginning. The inventor of this crazed brassiere, Paxton Quigley's big claim to fame is as Yoko Ono's ex bodyguard, and as a security consultant to many other Hollywood actresses. Once a pacifist, nowadays Paxton travels about the United States encouraging women to arm themselves with guns, sprays, mini batons and other items of weaponry, and to break free of their dependence on male security.
Of course, with all the zeal of anyone born again in any sense, Paxton seems to have taken her message of self defense a little too far, the header of her site reading "There's not much comfort in the fact that crime is down 6 percent, so instead of 100 criminals targeting you, now there's only 94, whoop de doo." That should have been all the warning I needed to click the little red 'x', but no, I was intruiged, so I read on.
Paxton might need a little lesson in how percentages work, (crime statistics generally aren't calculated on the risk to each individual member of the population, just for starters) but her ability to spread fear by apparently promoting safety is top notch and needs no tutoring. I spent just half an hour reading her site and am now huddled underneath the kitchen table with a pack of pepper foam, wearing Chuck Norris action pants and chanting 80's power mantras.
According to Ms Quigley, a woman should always be on the lookout for predators who are definitely targeting her at almost any time of the day and night. Pepper spray or foam should be carried at all times, and a firearm is a good idea if you can swing a license. In spite of the fact that the vast majority of violence against women is perpetrated by those known to them, and you're several times more likely to be killed driving your car home rather than be whacked by a serial killer lurking in the car park, Paxton's 'site o' fear' reccomends not that you refrain from driving or having a boyfriend, but that you protect yourself with extreme vigillance against the 94 predators who are definitely trying to get you.
Dinner might be a little late tonight, as most of the groceries I bought with absolute alertness were strewn about the back lawn as I (following Paxton's advice) had varied both the time of my arrival (4.00 am, nobody was expecting that), and route home (no doubt the bushes out the front of the house are full of sex offenders, so instead of risking it, I just had a member of the local circus catapault me in the general direction of the house.) I'll have to figure out how to mend that hole in the ceiling before it's breached by the gang bangers Paxton reliably informs me will be sniffing around my house any moment now. Thank god for the gun bra though, with ninety four hardened criminals on my tail at any one time, I definitely need a means of carrying some heavy fire power around wherever I go.
(You may notice that there is no picture of the aforementioned bra, just one on Lucy Lawless up there. Paxton seems reluctant to show pictures of this bra, perhaps because the design is top secret, or perhaps because the whole thing was a lame publicity stunt to trick more women into taking her seminars on how to be fearful all the time.)
- Paxton Quigley's Site Of Insanity
Be afraid... be very afraid...