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The Great Celebrity Panty Heist

Updated on October 13, 2009

After years of being a law abiding citizen, my lust for lingerie has finally overcome the conditioning which society imposed on me from a tender age. Thus I plan to embark upon a life of crime and steal high profile lingerie for fun and profit.

All great heists need a solid plan. I've decided to write mine down and post it on the Internet, which should save me at least ten minutes of hysterical cackling at the end of proceedings before I slowly lower the hero of this story into a vat of acid filled with sharks. (If anyone is interested, the part of 'hero' is currently open. I'll be having auditions soon, so keep your eyes and ears peeled for that.)

On my lingerie hit list are:

Trying to steal her bra would be an exercise in futility...

Lindsay Lohan's Panties.

Lindsay Lohan allegedly has a fiery crotch. By removing her underwear and having it checked for signs of arson, we can determine whether this rumor is true or simply the stuff of legends. Not only would this be lingerie related fun, it would also be scientific, and I am a huge fan of science. Like the large hadron collider, that's plenty awesome. I plan to vote for it in the upcoming elections in my homeland. (If you think that last sentence didn't make sense, it's probably because we're all slowly being sucked into a black hole and time is running backwards now. See?)

Sharon Stone's Panties

Sharon rarely wears underwear, so being able to capture a pair of her panties would be the lingerie equivalent to spotting a rare white tailed tit in the mating season. At last check in, Sharon was being sued by several hundred Chinese for saying that they deserved the earthquake which occurred due to the bad karma they had made. Once they get done suing the pants off her, getting at her panties should be child's play!

Something tells me she might enjoy it...

Kim Kardashian's Panties

I'll need a larger pair of panties to carry the others away in. Kim's panties are the only logical choice.

Gina Gershon's Panties

Everyone has someone they would go gay for. I would most certainly go gay for Gina Gershon, in fact, trying to resist that much hotness is simply against the laws of nature and would surely lead to tears in the space time continuum and possibly the end of life as we know it, which means that really I would have to go gay for Gina in order to save the world, should the need ever arise.

Michelle Yeoh's Panties

I leave this until last because it will undoubtedly be the biggest challenge of them all. I once saw a movie where Michelle was standing on half a table (as you do) then broke it in half due to a rather powerful kick from an assailant and instead of falling down like any sensible person would do she flipped about the place and ended up using the table legs as stilts with which she could still kick some serious ass. Michelle Yeoh's panties are therefore the holy grail of panties, which will only be attained after much suffering and things of that nature.

(It also goes without saying that I would totally go gay for Michelle Yeoh also.)

Who else's panties need stealing? Add your ideas and suggestions to the great panty heist plan. Offers of food, safe houses, getaway drivers and bail monies are also appreciated.


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    • profile image

      Doug 8 years ago

      As a product of the 1980’s, I’d have to go for Debby Harry and Joan Jett. Also RuPaul.

    • Hope Alexander profile image

      Hope Alexander 8 years ago

      Rhona Mitra is SO underrated.

    • profile image

      Bashful 8 years ago

      I'd definatley have a go at Adriana Lima's or Rhona Mitra's, BUT why stop with just the panties?

    • Amanda Severn profile image

      Amanda Severn 9 years ago from UK

      Here in the Uk the word 'panties' is interchangeable with the word 'knickers', as in the phrase 'I'd like to get into her knickers' (But that's a whole different subject!). Older people also use the word 'draws', or 'scanties'. Strange, deviant males occassionally steal panties from washing lines, and this is referred to as 'Knicker knicking'. Whose panties would I like to steal? Hmm. That requires careful consideration. I guess it depends whether it's for my own personal re-use in which case I'd require something more ample than Victoria Beckhams or Paris Hiltons. I guess I probably need something more like Bridget Jones. At least they would keep my kidneys warm, and I'd be safe playing hockey in a hockey skirt!