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The Five Most Useless Watches Ever Made

Updated on July 27, 2015
Yvan Arpa
Yvan Arpa | Source

5. A watch that's literally made out of crap

A Swiss company called Artya makes a watch that's made out of dinosaur droppings.

It's easy to see how wearing an expensive archaeological artifact on your wrist might be a bourgeois way to say "check me out guys, I support science and art and everything so I just blew a fat wad of cash on this watch" but... why dino droppings in particular? Why not dinosaur bones or teeth?

"I decided to take it a step further," said designer Yvan Arpa, the man who converted manure into a status symbol.

Maybe the "it" that Arpa is referring to is some kind of weird (but profitable) joke. Just look at the impish smirk on Arpa's face in this photo.

Arpa the former mathematics teacher is grinning all the way to the bank. If you buy his piece-of-crap dino watch it'll set you back £7,538-- just short of a cool 12 grand in American dollars.

Buy this watch to enjoy never, ever getting laid while wearing it.
Buy this watch to enjoy never, ever getting laid while wearing it. | Source

4. Click's "Dip Switch" watch

If you hate having sex, then here's the watch for you: a Dip Switch watch from Click. Simply slap this onto your wrist to instantly avoid any chance of interacting in any way whatsoever with the opposite sex.

Users who wish to make the most out of this butt-ugly, blue-and-red striped timepiece from hell must first sift through a manual that explains what each of the switches do before they'll be able to do pointless things like switch the clock display to "bar graph mode" or set the date. (It'll probably be the only kind of date that you'll be setting, though, after you strap this bad boy on.) Don't worry-- if you purchase this nightmarishly nerdy piece of hipster junk you'll definitely have plenty of time on your hands to unlock its full potential.

3. Finally: a watch you can just go kill yourself with

If Artya's dino chip watch didn't quite strike your fancy perhaps I can perk your interest in something a little more... violent. Feel free to check out Artya's "Son of a Gun" model wristwatch. Be forewarned though: this redneck-friendly piece of high art that also goes great with a pair of Oakley sunglasses and a mullet is still going to cost you a pretty penny. You're going have to throw $12,795 down on this timepiece, to be exact.

After you wake up the next day and realize what a clunky, stupid looking hunk of a watch you just bought you might be feeling some lament. Lost your receipt? No problem, because the bullets are real. That means all you gotta do is pop one of those suckers out to get locked and loaded. Ka boom!

Source

2. A watch that will dramatically increase your chances of being abducted by aliens and/or murdered by the Illuminati

Feast one of your eyes on this pocket watch. If you dare.

The advanced, indecipherable time-keeping technology contained within it must have been obtained by reverse engineering UFO wreckage... if it wasn't directly manufactured by the greys themselves. Either way, one thing is certain. Wearing this talisman-- or even being near it-- will put you at greater risk of being abducted.

Besides the UFO connection, the other thing that's disturbing about this mysterious pendant is the obvious Illuminati symbolism. The single eye contained on this otherworldly device matches up perfectly with the pyramid eye contained on the dollar bill. Coincidence? I don't think so. Wear this watch if you are deeply in need of attention and want to be "gang stalked" by shadowy government minions.

1. It's always "imagination o'clock" with the Haldimann H9 Reduction

You're probably going to have to reduce the amount of brain cells in your head before you'll be able to fully appreciate the special kind of elite ignorance that is the Haldimann H9 Reduction.

Haldimann wants their customers to to buy their bling, close their eyes and envisage a world where "time can be imagined, dreamed, or invented."

The Haldimann H9 Reduction is an obscenely expensive watch retails for 150,000 Swiss Francs-- just over $160,000. It's supposed to make the people who wear it feel like they are thinking "outside the box." Because the face of the clock is completely obscured by a black crystal shell.

There's definitely a clock in there, ticking away. A top-of-the-line one actually and if you press your ear to this watch you can hear it but...

YOU CAN'T READ IT.

The black shell doesn't open. It's not supposed to.

Huh???

Yeah, that's right. The H9 Reduction is a $160,000 fully functioning, top-of-the-line watch that's specifically designed to shield its wearer from being in touch with basic reality.

Comments

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    • profile image

      Patty 

      3 years ago

      So much info in so few words. Toltsoy could learn a lot.

    • profile image

      Jennis 

      3 years ago

      A simple and inileetglnt point, well made. Thanks!

    • rose-the planner profile image

      rose-the planner 

      5 years ago from Toronto, Ontario-Canada

      OMG........now I know why I hate wearing watches, lol! This was seriously hilarious. This was one of the most clever and funniest hubs I have read thus far. Although the Artya dinosaur feces watch is a close second, I believe the clear winner is definitely the Haldimann H9 Reduction (NOT). Thanks so much for sharing this with everyone! (Voted up)

    • mercuryservices profile imageAUTHOR

      Alex Munkachy 

      5 years ago from Honolulu, Hawaii

      Thanks for the comment Kathryn!

    • Kathryn Stratford profile image

      Kathryn 

      5 years ago from Manchester, Connecticut

      What'd you say? 5 cool watches to buy your favorite man? Okay, great. I'm sure my boyfriend would love every one of them!!!! (I'm kidding)

      Awesome hub on ridiculous watches. I particularly loathe the expensive one that you have to pretty much use your imagination to tell time. Anyone who has that much money to spend on a pretentious watch really has too much money. I would rather spend it on a car, a house, a grand cruise around the world, go to college, and buy a cheaper (but cool) watch with the money.

      Thanks for sharing this with us. Voted up and sharing.

    • mercuryservices profile imageAUTHOR

      Alex Munkachy 

      5 years ago from Honolulu, Hawaii

      Right on time boys! Thanks for the support and I'm glad to see my sarcasm received so well.

    • howlermunkey profile image

      Jeff Boettner 

      5 years ago from Tampa, FL

      Ha! Good thing I check the time like Crocodile Dundee, no watch here, just stick my finger in the wind. Might tattoo my watch to my wrist.... always 5:30 :))), up, sharing, tweet, pin, like.

    • Blond Logic profile image

      Mary Wickison 

      5 years ago from Brazil

      Thank goodness I live in Brazil, I don't need a watch. No one ever arrives on time, up to a week late is acceptable here.

      I am with Hawaiianodysseus here- give me a Timex.

      Thanks to my Hawaiian friend for sharing this.

    • hawaiianodysseus profile image

      Hawaiian Odysseus 

      5 years ago from Southeast Washington state

      Ahahahahahaahahahaha! Very funny, my friend! I just gotta share this with the world!

      I love your style!

      Aloha, bruddah! Give me a simple Timex any day. Plus, Hawaiians always late anyway--'a's why hard!

      Joe

    • rajan jolly profile image

      Rajan Singh Jolly 

      5 years ago from From Mumbai, presently in Jalandhar,INDIA.

      Very imaginative watches. Voted up.

    • profile image

      Phoebe Pike 

      5 years ago

      "Dip switch" isn't particularly attractive, but I highly doubt it's going to kill your chances of getting laid. *Insert cough here*

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