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Ugly Sweaters For Men And Women

Updated on June 1, 2009

I think by now we've established the fact that I, Hope Alexander, am something of a fashion guru. Which means you should totally take the advice I am outlining in this hub regarding ugly sweaters.

Fashion is known to be many things; cyclical, shallow, soul draining, mindless, pointless. But so often people forget that fashion can also be ironic.

Wearing clothing for irony's sake is the fashion equivalent of walking around with your face locked in a sneer 24/7, and if that isn't hot, then I don't know what is.

In the spirit of ironic fashion (which, yes, is so hot right now), I bring you these Ugly Sweaters, which you can get from

“This Sweater May Cause Seizures”

This lovely women's sweater provides an 80% chance of putting co-workers, friends and loved ones into seizures when they see you coming. A stunning combination of bright pink and blue have been melded together on a knitting machine to produce the kind of weaponry Kim Il could only dream about. Forget the Type O Dong. This thing could put an entire army on their backs in mere seconds.

“Muscle Bound Broad”

The muscle bound broad sweater is truly a work of art. Work. Of. Art. If you don't pick up guys whilst wearing this thing, then lady, I don't think you'll ever reproduce, might as well start on your crazy cat collection now.

“Bad Day To Be Amish”

The first men's sweater I'm reviewing also happens to be in 3D! That's because men like technology, and also apples. Women will be flocking to pick the little apples from your chest when you wear this woolly number out in public.

“Dance Of The Er—ic Teddy Bears”

The sweater so tasteless even the title had to be censored! If I know men, and I think I do, then I know there's nothing a man wants to wear more than a ring of tiny teddies around his neck. Note the way they frolic with joy, as if to say 'Being a bear is fun! Come be a bear with me!' If you go down to the woods today wearing this sweater, you may just be the surprise. Mhm. You know what I am talking about.

These are just some of the stunning sweaters that I was privileged to view on this stellar piece of web space. Of course, if the recession is biting to the point that purchasing an ugly sweater seems silly (though winter is coming, and even the ugliest sweater is better then a bin liner), then why not knit your own sweater! That way you can control the ugly, you can create the ugly, you can find your inner ugly and show it to the world. If that isn't beautiful, then I don't know what is.


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