Apocalyptic Fashions | What Will You Be Wearing When The World Ends?
A lot of people are afraid that we might be living in the end times, (a lot of people have been worrying that we are living in the end times since the concept of end times began,) but I suppose there is some minuscule chance that we are actually in the end times, in which case we have a lot to think about.
As meteors rain from the heavens, and the horsemen of the Apocalypse flash their thundering hooves through the sky, you'll have a choice to make. What will you be wearing?
Now if you're a righteous person, you'll be wanting to wear something light to allow for easier ascension. How awful would it be if God came to take you home but you snagged your unholy bell bottom jeans on a piece of rubble and ended up stuck on earth with the rest of the heathens?
I recommend lighter colors, you'll be celebrating a good day after all. Sure there will be wailing and the sounds of suffering echoing all around you, but that will be other people, the ones God hates, not you. Maxi dresses or long A line skirts are appropriate for women, and men could consider fetching robes after the Catholic tradition. A man is never closer to God than when he dons a cassock. Why not don one now, and make sure that you're prepared. I don't know that you'll have time to get changed after the fact, it is quite possible that once the Apocalypse starts nobody will be able to change their clothing. It is eminently plausible that the Apocalypse will be conducted as a cosmic game of red light / green light and everyone will freeze in place whilst God picks over the bunch like a hungry board of directors hovering over a lobster tank.
If you are not planning to be brought
up to heaven, then you'll need to be prepared for warm conditions and
wailing and whatnot. I recommend some good ear plugs (at least NPR 34
decibels,) and rubber clothing for this purpose, or something flame
retardant and nicely man made. If God rejects you, you'll have
nothing but your wits to get you by where you're going. It doesn't
have to be all bad for you either. If someone has the presence of
mind to bring a couple of water skis and a jet boat, the lake of fire could be the place to be this eternity.
Or of course, you could try camouflage
and dress up like a righteous person, perhaps that will trick God
into allowing you up into heaven. He's been fooled before you know,
and if he catches you, you can simply repent and he'll have to sigh,
wish that he hadn't allowed that loophole into the law book and let
you into enjoy paradise and the hereafter, where there will be lots
of sheep, but very few goats. Be sure to pack your knitting needles! God loves nothing more than a woolly bobble hat.