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Apocalyptic Fashions | What Will You Be Wearing When The World Ends?

Updated on October 15, 2009

A lot of people are afraid that we might be living in the end times, (a lot of people have been worrying that we are living in the end times since the concept of end times began,) but I suppose there is some minuscule chance that we are actually in the end times, in which case we have a lot to think about.

As meteors rain from the heavens, and the horsemen of the Apocalypse flash their thundering hooves through the sky, you'll have a choice to make. What will you be wearing?

Now if you're a righteous person, you'll be wanting to wear something light to allow for easier ascension. How awful would it be if God came to take you home but you snagged your unholy bell bottom jeans on a piece of rubble and ended up stuck on earth with the rest of the heathens?

I recommend lighter colors, you'll be celebrating a good day after all. Sure there will be wailing and the sounds of suffering echoing all around you, but that will be other people, the ones God hates, not you. Maxi dresses or long A line skirts are appropriate for women, and men could consider fetching robes after the Catholic tradition. A man is never closer to God than when he dons a cassock. Why not don one now, and make sure that you're prepared. I don't know that you'll have time to get changed after the fact, it is quite possible that once the Apocalypse starts nobody will be able to change their clothing. It is eminently plausible that the Apocalypse will be conducted as a cosmic game of red light / green light and everyone will freeze in place whilst God picks over the bunch like a hungry board of directors hovering over a lobster tank.

If you are not planning to be brought up to heaven, then you'll need to be prepared for warm conditions and wailing and whatnot. I recommend some good ear plugs (at least NPR 34 decibels,) and rubber clothing for this purpose, or something flame retardant and nicely man made. If God rejects you, you'll have nothing but your wits to get you by where you're going. It doesn't have to be all bad for you either. If someone has the presence of mind to bring a couple of water skis and a jet boat, the lake of fire could be the place to be this eternity.

Or of course, you could try camouflage and dress up like a righteous person, perhaps that will trick God into allowing you up into heaven. He's been fooled before you know, and if he catches you, you can simply repent and he'll have to sigh, wish that he hadn't allowed that loophole into the law book and let you into enjoy paradise and the hereafter, where there will be lots of sheep, but very few goats. Be sure to pack your knitting needles! God loves nothing more than a woolly bobble hat.


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    • profile image


      9 years ago


      There. You've done it again. You've made a broadly-brushed assumption that bears within it the seeds of potential apostasy.

      Whenever dealing with a fundamentalist xtian as above (I won't defame the name of Yeshua the brown-skinned Palestinian day-laborer by associating him with his itinerant followers), I like to wait until they're done telling me about how they're going to get raptured "home" and then ask one question: Are you rapturing naked, or will you go to heaven in your earthly clothes? Whatever the answer, I generally reply with one word: "Heretic!" and then explain why they are doctrinally impure and couldn't POSSIBLY be part of the elect. After all, Leviticus 18 gives us a whole laundry (or non-laundry) list of whom we are not to see in their nakedness. Back then, it was a stoning offense. So Gawd clearly isn't in the nekkid camp. But wait . . .

      On the other hand, if we're flying home to Jeebuss in our daily togs, it stands to reason that, at least in the U.S., there's a great likelihood that those garments have been crafted by Asian folks who don't have "a ClosePersonalRelationshipWithTheLordJesusChrist," and as such have about them no small whiff of "sin." Sin, obviously, cannot enter into the Kingdom of Heaven (you'll note it's always a Kingdom, and never an Oligarchy, Plutocracy or Lord knows, a Democracy of Heaven).

      Any way you slice it, how you get there at the "END TIMES," is fraught with peril and poses quite possibly the thorniest issue for xtendom since that whole angels-dancing-on-the-head-of-a-pin conundrum that absorbed so much intellectual energy back in a time when there wasn't even enough intellectual energy left over to figure out indoor plumbing or the idea that bathing more than twice-a-life might be a good idea.

      How 'bout YOU, Hope? It's not just a matter of WHAT you'll be wearing when the Lord gathers you to Him in the clouds. It's a matter of IF you'll be wearing anything. Will you? Come, come, Hope! Your eternal soul is on the line! How you answer may just determine your fate for all the aeons of eternity waiting, stretching before you.

      Choose wisely, Grasshopper!

    • prasetio30 profile image


      9 years ago from malang-indonesia

      I don't afraid facing what will happen next. As a destiny that someday we will end. But we exactly don't know when it happen. nice picture. thanks for share.

    • Hope Alexander profile imageAUTHOR

      Hope Alexander 

      9 years ago

      God has been caught out at least once, or else the fall would not have occurred ;)

      I am glad you guys find this to be an appropriate and timely article. I trust you will all be clad correctly when the time goes.

    • DeBorrah K. Ogans profile image

      DeBorrah K Ogans 

      9 years ago

      Hope Alexander!

      This is thought a provoking hub!

      I truly believe that we are living in the last days. I am not worried but inspired because I see the Scriptures are being fulfilled!

      I believe if I/we "seek first His kingdom and HIS RIGHTEOUSNESS" I/we will be clothed appropiately for His triumphant return! I know without doubt that I will be "caught up together with them to in the clouds" to meet Him. (unless He calls me home before that time) Therefore again, I trust That I will be ready and properly clothed when that time comes!

      God has never been fooled He is Omniscient meaning He knows everything!

      Thank you for sharing.


    • profile image


      9 years ago

      Hope, as well as attire I think we should be planning for the appropriate music. Don’t know if they are still around, but a group named the Austin Lounge Lizards once did a son titled, “Jesus Loves Me – But He Doesn’t think Much of You”. I believe this would work.


    • Mardi profile image

      Mardi Winder-Adams 

      9 years ago from Western Canada and Texas

      Hope, this is terrifically funny stuff. I am sending this on to my oh so fashion aware sister, sure she will appreciate your efforts to correctly attire her for the end of days.


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