Swimsuits for men: Swim Trunks, Swim Shorts and Swim Briefs

Guys, if there's a place where women's stares wander, that's the pool or the beach!

Did you ever stop to think about the effect caused by those trunks sitting below your belly? If you're my favorite average Joe, you didn't.

Did you ever stop to wonder what women think when you're wearing a tight short past graduation? If you're my favorite average Jack, you didn't.

Did you ever stop to imagine what your briefs look like when your hips are bigger than your shoulders? If you're my favorite average John, you didn't.

Well, here's a news flash, Joe, Jack and John: Women wonder, women think, women imagine and I'm afraid you wouldn't be happy to know what crosses their minds when they look at you!

Fellows, trunks are fine and perfectly acceptable, but they need to meet three important conditions:

First of all, they need to reach your knee at the most. Trunks that reach your calves are distinct reminders of long-johns, which had their heyday around 1860'. They are not sexy. I mean, not even your granny found them sexy on your granddad.

They are especially not sexy when you come out of the water and all that fabric clings to your legs. It simply looks like somebody pushed you fully clothed into the pool. In a word, you look like a moron.

Plus, you need to be fit to wear those, I've seen more than one chunky fellow in trouble to get out of the pool, fabric weights a ton when wet, so imagine how ridiculous it looks if you can't "master" your bathing suit.

Second, they need to be your size and can't ever be worn under your belly. Never ever. Got it? I'm not saying you can't show up at the pool if you have a beer belly, by all means please do, but don't flaunt it, all that flesh hanging from the precipice of your trunk line looks hilariously ridiculous. Trust me, it does. So wear your size, it has to fit your waistline so that you don't... spill.

Third, and please pay attention to this one, your trunks have to cover your derriere. You heard me. This is an extension of the above. Wear your size and avoid showing what we all know is there anyway. Maybe you don't realize you're showing anything, right? We all know how men are notoriously unaware of their own looks, but you can do a little check: place yourself sidewise in front of a mirror and kneel over, as if to touch your toes. You see it? So will everybody else! Ding!

Everything I said about trunks applies to regular shorts. The funny thing about shorts is that they're usually worm with a lot more style. Men who pick shorts seem to be more aware of their appearance. Ladies, am I right? Yes, I am!

Shorts are very cool, they show most of you, but discretely hide the most relevant asset (pun intended). Women can get a good look at everything, but they will continue wondering about that. You have the upper hand when that happens

Tight shorts are obviously for the well-built fellow, in all departments, if you get my drift. Truth be told, anybody can wear a tight short if they so wish, but it pays to know how you're going to look in them.

If you look yourself in the mirror and feel like laughing out loud, maybe you want to reconsider those tight shorts. I'm saying you'll feel like laughing because I still don't know a regular Joe, Jack or John that feels like crying when they look themselves in the mirror. You know what I'm talking about, guys: You take a gander at those long-gone pectorals and the only thought that gets into your head is what's for breakfast. Do I lie? Do I fabricate? Of course not, I speak only the truth!

So if you face off a mirror while sporting a pair of tight shorts and you still think, hey I'm too sexy for my body, then I'd say you really are, and you're the kind of fellow that will stroll confidently to a spot near the pool, chin up, in a way that will turn heads, male and female, inviting all looks to fall on you, because, ladies and gents, a real man is in the premises. If you're that kind of man, tight shorts are for you.

Boys, men, fellows of all denominations, listen up: You are entitled to wear briefs, yes, you are, but do you really want to?

In my expert opinion, there is only one type of guy that can pull off a brief: The sexy, irresistible, out of this world, this type doesn't exist in my neighborhood kind of hunk. The kind of guy who appears on Calvin Klein underwear ads (or Armani underwear ads, let's not be picky). The kind of guy whose bones women want to jump, in briefs, shorts or trunks!

Joe, Jack, John, are you this type of guy? Then go for tight and daring briefs! Women will eat you with their eyes (men will want to wring your neck, but ignore them, or better yet, look at them with disdain and superiority), but it really doesn't matter what you wear, you know, because no woman wants you in it for very long.

Now, Joe, Jack, John, if you aren't this kind of guy, you seriously need to rethink the men's bikinis. They are only appropriate if:

• Your shoulders are wider than your hips, and
• You don't have a beer belly, and
• Your groin area doesn't sport more hair than your head, and
• At least a woman friend approves of your brief and how it looks on you before you expose yourself to the masses

Joe, Jack, and John, we know you have it. We all studied human anatomy. And because we did, most of us know the difference if you pack it to make it look spectacular. Especially women. You won't fool them, quite the opposite, they will think you a pathetic fool. Seriously. Ask them.

As in most instances in life, discretion is the better part of valor. Packing discretely doesn't only show taste, it shows self-assuredness and inspires that little bit of mystery and wonder.

Gents, avoid the temptation to turn it left or right, avoid the temptation to do anything with it that it wouldn't naturally do. Plain and simple, let it hang between your legs.

This is especially important if you wear briefs. In this case, it needs to hang and hide between your legs. Unless you are the Calvin Klein underwear type. Then it really doesn't matter one way or the other.