10 Ways to Get Your Friends to Unfriend You on Facebook

What's the ultimate insult on Facebook? It's looking at your profile one day, seeing 100 friends, then looking at it the next day and one less. Only then do you realize the horror: a friend unfriended you. Suddenly, somebody who used to declare you a friend has now declared you an unfriend. It's a terrible feeling. You sit and ask yourself:

"How did we get here?"

"How did I become an unfriend?"

"What is an unfriend?"

"But I thought of this person as a friend. Now they think of me as an unfriend. Are they now my unfriend too?"

"What are one's obligations as an unfriend?"

"Are there any?"

Fear not, my friends! Avoid the things I've outlined below and you can avoid ever becoming an unfriend on Facebook.

If you've ever done online dating, this problem is endemic to that field too. Any woman who posts a profile picture of herself with her pet is somebody to stay away from. That's creepy. And sad. Look, it's okay once-in-awhile. However, is your entire life picture book full of pet pictures? Well then, something in your life has gone terribly wrong. I love my cat. I just don't want to have people thinking my life IS my cat. It may very well be, but I don't want people to know it.

Just don't let anyone know you play it. Okay? Or Animal Crossing, even though that's not a Facebook thing.

You post a photo of yourself on the toilet. Or maybe you post a photo that looks like you are on the toilet. That's too much facebooking right there. This is really just an example of TMI Facebooking. There are other photo types. The toilet photo is symbolic. Kind of.

Of course, Mark is all kinds of awesome. Right? I mean, look at those abs. That amazing physique. My god, how does he do it? Obviously, Mark is amazing. However, you simply can't go on and on about Mark's awesomeness. I mean, he kind of let the Russians steal the 2016 presidential election. He doesn't seem to care too much about who abuses his platform. You just can't laud somebody like that without losing some friends.

Most visits with the doctor end with the doctor putting his finger up your anus. Okay, perhaps not every one. However, it's an analogy. People just don't want to think about you going to the doctor. In their minds, no matter what the purpose, you're putting an image in the minds of your friends. That image is the doctor with his finger in your anus. We're all naked, vulnerable, and alone in the doctor's office. Remember that, unless that's the kind of thing you want to convey about yourself to others.

The latest Lady Gaga album is awesome! My pants are on fire! I just went on the most exhilirating bike ride! Coffee is great! This article on knitting gave me an erection! You know who you are.

Look, you don't have to write like J.K. Rowling. But let's face it, if the first hundred pages of Harry Potter were all about arm sores, nobody would have published it. What if the first chapter was about what he ate for breakfast? Or what he had for lunch? Or his walk to school?

My point is that nobody wants to read about boring stuff. Nobody is going to follow your life if it's just dull as can be.

I don't care how long I've known you. Don't waste even five minutes of my time tricking me into clicking on your "THIS IS THE COOLEST THING EVER" link. I will hide you right out of existence.

There are lots of different ways to ask for money. You can just ask for it or you can post various links to various causes. Then you're making everyone feel guilty because they didn't give money to the homeless or cancer research. And maybe I'm just a cheap bastard. That said, I didn't join Facebook so I could feel like a guilty cheapskate all the time. Facebook is about me, remember? And keep in mind that if I get one money request from you, I'm probably getting one from everybody else. That adds up in both money and guilt. You made me feel guilty. You're not my friend.

Reading about how "OMG isn't life the greatest!" every two seconds is boring. It isn't any better than reading "My life sucks" every two seconds. If the emotional rollercoaster of your life is a flat track, your missives will fall flat too. That said, if your emotional flat track is a comedy special, you're probably okay. And if you're posting about how your cat died twenty times a day, you've hit #1 and #9 at the same time. Good job.

Maybe this doesn't apply for everyone, but generally the company you keep is a reflection of your intelligence. What if you're posting stuff like "Look whats comeing to the theatir. Its a new movee by the Coen brothers. I think its there forth one?" Then you're making whoever is reading that feel like a moron for having you as a friend. Most of us can feel like morons all on our own without any help from you. Spelling and good grammar pay off with smart friends and appreciative smart friends. Like, thanks for posting stuff that doesn't embarrass me when me wife looks at it.