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Lou Costello Buys a Computer

Updated on October 28, 2009

ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: What if I don't like wallpaper?

ABBOTT: Just change it.

COSTELLO: Isn't that expensive?

ABBOTT: No, it's free with Windows.

COSTELLO: I have to buy the Windows to get the wallpaper.

ABBOTT: It's free if you buy the computer.

COSTELLO: They give you windows for your office if you buy a computer.

ABBOTT: Certainly!

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real.

COSTELLO: Sure I may want to watch a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real.

COSTELLO: Well, I don’t want a fake one!

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: So what do I get?

ABBOTT: Real Player.

COSTELLO: Yes, I want a Real Player.

ABBOTT: And you’ll have one

COSTELLO: A Real Player?

ABBOTT: Certainly.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "r".

COSTELLO: I click the blue what?

ABBOTT: The blue "r".

COSTELLO: The blue “r” what?

ABBOTT: Just the blue “r”

COSTELLO: The blue “r” what?

ABBOTT: The blue “r” nothing.

COSTELLO: If the blue “r” nothing, how do I watch the movie?

ABBOTT: You click the blue “r”

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue "r" is the Real Player and the blue "W" is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: What is?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: Word?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. Word pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: Word?

ABBOTT: Woooord, dude!

COSTELLO: I don’t know what you’re talking about! What about bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!


A FEW DAYS LATER . . .


ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START"..

COSTELLO: Now don't you start that again....

ABBOTT: But I thought you wanted to "STOP"

COSTELLO: That's right. This thing has been on for 3 days and I can't find the "STOP" button.

ABBOTT: Click on "START"

COSTELLO: I don't wanna start!

ABBOTT: But you have to click on "START".

COSTELLO: Why do I have to click on "START"?

ABBOTT: So you can stop.....

COSTELLO: So I have to click on "START" to "STOP"

ABBOTT: That's so you can log off.

COSTELLO: I click "START" and then I log off.

ABBOTT: That's right, you log off.

COSTELLO: I log off

ABBOTT: That's right, now go ahead and log off.

COSTELLO; What if I don't have a log. I DON'T EVEN HAVE A FIREPLACE!!!!!

ABBOTT: No, you don't need a log. You just want to get out of Windows

COSTELLO: Which one?

ABBOTT: Which what?

COSTELLO: Which Window?

ABBOTT: The only Windows you've got.

COSTELLO: So it doesn't matter which Windows?

ABBOTT: You just want to get out of Windows.

(sound of wood and metal scraping followed by breaking glass)

ABBOTT: Lou, what was that?

COSTELLO: Oh, I threw it out the front windows!

ABBOTT: What! Why on earth did you do that?

COSTELLO: You said it didn't matter which windows and the front windows was closer than the back ones....

(c) 2004 by Tom King - All Rights Reserved

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