Warning! Read This First!--Hilarious Signs

Remember when products were simpler and Instructions were one page and went something like this: “Take the thing out of the box, plug it in—enjoy.”

Now when you purchase something there is a large Warning! Read this first! section and you decide, as you always do, to skip or at most speed skim through this part because of three ways of thinking: 1. Why spend a lot of time with stuff you probably already know 2. Anything that can happen to you has probably already happened and you are still here. and 3. You aren't likely to make the same mistake twice. Besides, you are anxious to get right to what you are doing.

Thumb—thumb—thumb—you notice by now that there are a lot more warnings than there used to be and your dog looks at you as if to say: “See, I told you so--you shouldn't have let me chew on those bags or that wire thing and oh btw, you are never going to get that thing put together.” Ok I have a dog with a large stare vocabulary.

The point is things are a lot more complicated and a lot more things can go wrong--and when I say "go wrong," I mean there are a lot more reasons to sue someone if they don't warn you in advance. Unfortunately, most of the times when you are painfully surprised in life, suing someone is not going to fix it. In those times, you just wish you had known before you invested your money, energy or even worse--your heart.

BP reports warning signs before gulf oil rig explosion

A BP investigation into the gulf oil rig explosion says a variety of problems could be to blame, and that workers had several hours' warning.

May 26, 2010 By Richard Simon and Jill Leovy, Carolyn Cole, Los Angeles Times

There were warning signs of a valve leak nearly five hours before the deadly gulf oil rig explosion, according to an internal BP investigation, which also found that a number of equipment and system failures may have caused the Deepwater Horizon disaster.

Products may not be appropriate for young children:

Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage." -- On a portable stroller

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

On a washing machine inn a launderette:
No small children.

These warnings are either scary or humorous or both, but don't you wish children themselves came with warning labels: Will not listen to your best advice but will copy everything inappropriate you do. You can tell them all you want to "do what I say and not what I do," but come on---they won't eat the brussel sprouts but they will eat the ice cream you are saving for yourself in the freezer. They will listen obediently when you tell them the dangers of alcohol but if you celebrate with non-stop cocktail parties, chances are they will find someone to help them buy their own.

Do not drive while using a phone. This was an easy one when phones were not portable, but now that phones are small and portable and a part of our lives, with a bluetooth or car docking station, we all conduct our business while speeding down the freeway or in stop and go traffic. While this is definitely not smart, to compound the danger, phones now have texting, internet capability and word processing.

While you meander through traffic, you could be googling maps for your destination or yelp for your restaurant or checking your calendar for your appointment schedule and your text messages or your emails. You may even be tempted to respond to your messages while maneuvering a four ton piece of metal through a gauntlet of other three or four ton vehicles, peppered with an assortment of pedestrians, lamp posts and hot dog carts.

When I bought my Blackberry I do not remember a bold letter "Warning-Read this first" section which told me that doing this could be dangerous. With all the accidents caused by using them in traffic, I'm sure they all have hefty warning sections now. Do not use this Blackberry or Ipad to work on your hubpage while driving your vehicle or operating heavy machinery or functioning as an air traffic controller.

On packaging for a Sunbeam iron -- Do not iron clothes on body. (Now I have to admit here that I am guilty of doing this. Sometimes when I look in the mirror and my shirt has a little wrinkle I just grab the iron, turn it on and iron the wrinkle in place--the advantage to this method is obvious, it is fast, you don't have to take the shirt off or assemble the ironing board and unlike doing it on a board, you can tell when you're done with the wrinkle because your body starts to yell: "you've set me on fire you nincompoop!"

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- Warning: May cause drowsiness.(I can just hear the lawyer's case for this one in court: "My client has had trouble sleeping in the past and so he took the pills before he drove home so that they would start working when he got there. How would he know that they start working immediately and furthermore It does not say on the package that you cannot drive while sleeping.")

On most brands of Christmas lights -- For indoor or outdoor use only. (This one makes my mind hurt trying to come up with the use they were warning against. It was probably the same one as the next warning)

On a Japanese food processor -- Not to be used for the other use.

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- Warning: Contains nuts. (I actually bought a package of peanuts that , and I am not making this up, had this warning: Caution these peanuts were used in machinery that processes peanuts.)

Emergency safety procedures at a US summer camp -- In case of flood, proceed uphill. In case of flash flood proceed uphill quickly.(I think I would add--In case you're slow bring a dingy)

On the back of a pilot's seat in a NATO aircraft -- Seat must be facing forward for take-off and landing. (Awww the stewardess and I were playing rummy)

On a 500-piece jigsaw puzzle -- Some assembly required.

On a can of pepper spray used for self defense -- May irritate eyes. (Wonder why they didn't add--Not to be used for seasoning)

On a blowtorch -- Not used for drying hair.

For use on animals only -- On an electric cattle prod. (Some wife must have had fun when Bubba smarted off once too often)

Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you -- On a motorcycle helmet-mounted rear-view mirror. (And they are larger than they appear in this tiny mirror)

Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice -- On a box of rat poison. (I'm waiting for the one that says--Laboratories have been found to cause cancer in mice)

Fragile. Do not drop -- Posted on a Boeing 757. (I think it should have been posted on the passengers)

Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death -- Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 caliber rifle. (May I be so bold as to add that correct use will for sure cause it)

The phone booth to the right is by a Russian street artist named Renald (from an area called Petrozavodsk.) He turns random public phone booths into sharks using his own spray paint and stencils. Shark Attack on the Phone!

And my personal favorite: A sign in a street in Hong Kong -- Beware of people.

As funny as these may be, everyone has had a relationship in which they wish the person had been wearing a t-shirt that read -- Does Not Play Well With Others

Warning, fragile

Keep upright

Avoid dropping

Warning, delicate

Use the cool cycle

Harsh words may cause permanent damage

Use only for intended purpose

Keep in a safe place

Exercise care

Warning, slippery when wet

Tears may obscure vision

Use caution

Use care

Warning, children playing

Slow down

Watch your blind spots

Look and listen before going forward

Warning, do not leave unattended

Requires sunlight and shade

Water when dry

Feed when hungry

Play with often

Warning, life happens

Limited time only

Act now

©Winsome Publishing 2010, All rights reserved

In the twenties, there was a product called Burma-Shave, a brushless shaving cream. Clinton Odell listened to his son Allen's idea to put wooden roadside signs up to advertise and reluctantly gave him $200 to try it. Before long sales took off and up to the 60's there were as many as 7,000 across the country. Although they began as sales pitches, they also started to talk about safety, home-spun wisdom and just plain fun.

Spaced out in five or six signs, the fifth gave the punch line and the sixth the Burma-Shave logo. Many a family trip was livened by reading and anticipating the humorous ending.

Don't leave safety
To mere chance
That's why
Belts are
Sold with pants
Burma-Shave