What Your Facebook Postings Really Mean

1. "I hate living here. It's so boring. Oh, god, the Philistines that surround me."

Either move or give it a break. Didn't you hate the last place too? It sure sounded like it... When you complain about the place where you live, you reveal the petty mundanity of your own boring mind. After all, YOU live there. You make it what it is. YOU. Understand? Let me put it another way: in my feed, I see about a dozen people going out and having a good time here in this very same state/town/country. They are taking pictures of lilies unfolding at sunrise, of the local rockstar leaving his soul on the stage, of the giant breakfast they scarfed at the old truckstop. But you. . . you put another picture up of your weird facial expression that is the same in every pic with some comment about how bored you are here. What the heck is wrong with your sorry butt?

2. "All members of the opposite sex are scum."

There are many fine persons of both genders. It is you who can't discern between the good and the bad ones. Just look at your last partner. What were you thinking? He/she had no job, hated your friends, and wore giant logos on their clothes. Seriously? Logos? Meanwhile, that nice friend with a brilliant mind, heart of gold, and big fat crush couldn't even catch your eye. I believe your exact words were: "too boring." Well, enjoy your insipid drama: you earned it.

3. "Look, another photo of me from the neck up."

(often followed by a photo of food) You are unhappy with your body. Seriously, we don't care if you are overweight. You are our friend and when we see you in person, you are not a floating head. Relax. We love you. A related issue is if you never smile in a picture: you are unhappy with your teeth and now you look profoundly sad. Again, we already like you. Don't worry about it. Smile!

4. You constantly post music videos on other people's walls, in groups, and in comment boxes.

Your mother neglected you. Post this crap on your own profile, Captain Facebook. We all have access to Youtube. (Captain Facebook's only known superpower is insomnia.)

5. You bash the other party / religion / race in an endless stream of opinionated blather.

You are the most annoying person on Facebook. I've already deleted you, but for the sake of others, please just delete your account. I'm sure there is a club you can join. One that meets in secret, where we can't hear you.

6. You have 150 photos of yourself, 50 with your tongue out and 100 in skimpy clothing.

You are sixteen years old. If you would like to be viewed as an adult, try valuing things in life besides lip gloss and hair gel. Let me explain further: if you are a woman, you are playing into a stereotype. If you are a man, you are acting like a girl.

7. You don't post your relationship status and are only "interested" in the opposite sex.

Well, well look who's on the prowl. So, you are the reason folks talk about how Facebook plays havoc with relationships. Look, they have dating sites for folks like you. Go to one. And break up already. Nobody likes a cheat.

8. You play Farmville, Mafia Wars, and other online games.

You really don't have anything to say here do you? I mean, aside from your daily horoscope, it seems you have posted only about games for seven months now. In short, this social networking thing may not be for you. Try video games. They are for non-social types who like to compete in meaningless contests for fake prizes.

9. There is not one single photo of you online.

You don't say where you live and you use a fake name. - Dude, I'm serious, I was talking to Doctor Sinisteri the other day and your name came up. I think you better just delete your account to be safe.

10. Reposting.

This is the top method used by terrorists to slow our communication systems and TO DUMB US DOWN. You may not want to believe me, but it's true and if you really don't believe me, then maybe you have already been dumbed down beyond the point of no return.

11. You are spreading a virus.

You clicked on the pic of a squash that looked like genitalia, didn't you? I have no real advice, but since you are a mindless sheep, you might want to be friends with the folks that do #10.

12. You hide your age.

You want to be younger than you are, which is essentially saying you don't like yourself very much, but I always assume you are five to ten years older when you don't post your age. We all age. It's a good thing, not something to be ashamed of, and to be old and happy is to have lived before the days of social networking.