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A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table.The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows.

The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that you’re dog is dead, too.” The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. So the vet brings in a black Labrador retriever. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.”

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, “$650.”

“$650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaims the man.

“Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.
Mark Twain

Eye Halve a Spelling Cheker

Eye halve a spelling Cheker
It came with my pi si
It plainly marques 4 my revue
Miss steaks eye kan knot sea.

Eye strike a ki and type a word
And weight 4 it two say
Weather eye am wrong ore rite
It shows mi strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye kan put the arror rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore u r pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My Cheker tolled me sew.

I love my Job, I love the Pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my Boss; she’s the best!
I love her boss and all the rest.

I love my Office and its location -
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and gray,
and the paper that piles up every day!

I love my chair in my padded Cell!
There’s nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my Peers -
I love their leers and jeers and sneers.

I love my Computer and all its Software;
I hug it often though it doesn’t care…
I love each Program and every File,
I try to understand once in a while!!

I’m happy to be here, I am I am;
I’m the happiest Slave of my Uncle Sam.
I love this Work; I love these Chores.
I love the Meetings with deadly Bores.

I love my Job - I’ll say it again -
I even love these friendly Men -
These men who’ve come to visit today
In lovely white coats to take me away!!!

(from an anonymous U.S. federal government worker).

Negotiating a trip home

Bob had been shopping downtown all day with his wife and four little children. They were all so tired, he decided to take a taxicab home.

Approaching a cab driver, he demanded, “How much will you charge to drive us to the Bronx?”

“I figure $5 apiece for you and your wife,” said the driver. “I’ll take the four kids along for nothing.”

Bob turned to his children and said, “Jump in kids, and have a nice ride home. Momma and I will take the subway.”

I would do anything to pass this exam

A beautiful female college student comes to a young professor’s office.

She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly, “I would do anything to pass this exam.”

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. “I mean…” she whispers, “… I would do…anything!!!”

He returns her gaze. “Anything???”

“Yes… Anything!!!”

His voice turns to a whisper. “Would you….. study???”.