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Whitstable Birds: A Turf War

Updated on September 14, 2016
Whitstable Views profile image

CJ Stone is an author and columnist. He appears regularly in the British press. Currently he has a column in the Whitstable Gazette.

"like malevolent priests"
"like malevolent priests"

Malevolent priests

I’ve been growing some lawn. It’s a long stretch of turf running the length of my flat next to the wall which had died off. I scraped off all the old dead grass, broke up the soil, scattered grass seeds along the length of it, put some compost on top and then began watering it. I’ve been watering it every evening as the sun goes down.

After about two weeks the grass began to sprout, and the lawn began to take hold. Instead of the dusty strip of scrubland which had previously been there, there was a lush, green lawn.

Then something strange happened. Bits of the lawn started to go missing. There were chunks of it dug out along the length of the wall and, occasionally, abandoned bits of turf lying on the grass a few feet away.

After that I began seeing these two crows lurking about. They had a sort of shifty look about them. Evil-looking creatures, like malevolent priests, with an arrogant gait and long, vicious-looking beaks, they were strutting about outside my flat, clearly up to no good.

I watched as one of them seemed to take the position of look-out, while the other disappeared under the eves. I banged the window, and they flew off, and I could see it clearly: one of them was clutching a lump of turf in its claws.

I guess they are using it for their nest. So now I am at war. They can find some other bits of turf to use.

Ragged black shadows

During the day the crows appear on top of the buildings opposite, like ragged black shadows flapping against the sky. I lie in wait concealed beneath my window sill. They are reconnoitring the site ready for the attack.

When they land, I leap up and shout through the window. You don’t want to hear what I say, as this is a family newspaper. The crows scream back at me, cawing vicious curses over their shoulders as they fly off. They are trying to break my nerve, waiting for me to surrender.

It’s what you might call a “turf-war”. I am defending my turf.

From The Whitstable Gazette.


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    • Peggy W profile image

      Peggy Woods 7 years ago from Houston, Texas

      Haha! Funny but at the same time, I hope you win the war and have nice looking turf in the end.

    • profile image

      Diogenes. 7 years ago

      If they would only just take the tufts and not crow about it! Good to hear from ya...Bob

    • Bard of Ely profile image

      Steve Andrews 7 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal

      I love crows but I can see why these ones annoyed you! lol Great story, Chris!