Enjoy Pennsylvania

In these stressful economic times, are you looking for a fun and inexpensive vacation the entire family can enjoy? Well, look no further! I’ve got a great guide to the little-known wonders of the Keystone State of Pennsylvania. All you’ll need are a good road map, a vehicle, some time, and a sense of humor.

You may not be aware of this, but the rolling and wooded terrain of the state of Pennsylvania is peppered with hundreds of small towns, each having its own quaint charm, and often a distinctive and unforgettable name. Begin your enjoyment by hitting the road for a driving trip through some of these tiny but memorable towns.

Only in Pennsylvania are Mars and Venus ever within 55 miles of each other. Head north from Pittsburgh and you can check out both for an out-of-this-world afternoon. Then, turn southeast, and if you plan your route carefully, you can make it from Scotland to Egypt by way of Mexico in just 3 hours!

Worried about how to afford this trip? No problem — start out at Gold, pick up something at Emerald, browse Cashtown, and stop at Dime and Nickleville, if necessary. Should all else fail, make a side trip to Bullion and don’t forget Coupon. (On the return trip, you can always run through Frugality on your way to Economy, hit Presto, and maybe you’ll make it all the way to Prosperity!)

As you roll down Route 93, be sure to cheer Jim Thorpe. You can sing along to Glen Campbell as you pass on State Road 219. Make sure you take plenty of tanning lotion to Sunnyburn, and watch for the speedtrap at Trooper. Don’t stop for lunch in Frogtown or Raccoon; save your appetite for Plum, Lemon, Nectarine and Choconut.

Tired of your friends bragging about the great cities they’ve seen? Well, only in Pennsylvania can you cruise through Paris, Rome, Venice, Versailles, Washington, Belfast and Dublin on a single tank of gas. Take an extra day, and add Oakland, Sacramento, Brooklyn, Bunker Hill, Damascus, Nuremberg, East Berlin, Waterloo, Denver, Palo Alto, Nashville, Mt. Aetna and Liverpool (be sure to buy a Beatles postcard!).

As you tour the central part of the state, call on Mildred and Mabel and Natalie and Bernice and Rupert and Conrad and Anita and Bryan. Don’t mind the screeching from Ono. If the haunted house at Munster freaks you out, you can hole up in the safety of Forty Fort.

Newlyweds are encouraged to leave Panic and Desire and Good Intent behind; in a fast car, you can make it from Virginville to Intercourse in less than an hour, by way of Bird-in-Hand. After driving by Starlight and resting your head in Pillow, you’ll be leaving Rough and Ready the next morning! Teetotalers are welcome in Dry Tavern, while Hecktown is for those who don’t swear, and Drab is for those with absolutely no vices whatsoever. (Avoid Grimmville; it’s no fun.) If you’ve got young children with you, you’ll want to venture from Elmo in the west through Bart in the east, all the way to Simpson.

If you’re running out of things to do, check out Library. And, at the end of your trip, you can leave your car in Avis, but along the way don’t forget to stop by Yocumville to say hi to Li’l Abner and Mammy!

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