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How To Avoid A Bar Fight

Updated on April 27, 2017
Dan W Miller profile image

"The Vanilla Godzilla" was raised in Ventura County, California. A USN veteran, divorced, with grandkids, living in Phoenix since 2000.

Don't get on this guy's wrong side
Don't get on this guy's wrong side

If you're a comedian there are ways to avoid getting punched in the face while in a bar. If you're not, listen up.

It happens. Something is said with a drunken slur or taken out of context. Usually the person spewing it meant for it to be funny. Then it starts a bar fight.

Funny how they never begin with some rowdy music on the jukebox and the two combatants punching each other out for a full fifteen minutes. They're usually over in a flash... of a single fist.

Best way to avoid a bar fight... don't speak to a stranger after three drinks. Say any insulting thing you want to your friends. They could care less and chalk it up to your lack of alcohol control.

Bar fights never have the dramatics of a pool stick across the face ("Roadhouse" and about a thousand other flicks) or a cue ball thrown for a strike right between the eyes (ala Sinatra in "Tony Rome.") For once, I'd like to see a big fight break out in a dart bar. Just not when I'm there. Can you imagine a dozen injectable missiles flying around like a ground battle in Iraq?

But, alas, the good ol' punchout has given way to these modern times. Because you just never know if some coward is going to whip out a pistol with a Scarface movie quote like, "Say hello to my little friend." So unfair and never a measure of a real man. I miss going into work Monday morning with a shiner.

Be fearless, confident, size up the situation quickly but probably best not to say this. Then the entire bar will WANT you to get your butt kicked.
Be fearless, confident, size up the situation quickly but probably best not to say this. Then the entire bar will WANT you to get your butt kicked.

Tips to keep your front teeth AND your dignity intact

I would suggest wait for the first punch, then it's a free-for-all and you won't get sued later for Assault With A Deadly Weapon. I know. They say throw the first punch and throw often but in this day of lawyers sueing homeowners when THEY broke into the place, this way your opponent will be sued for starting it. Unless you're completely alone with just him (or her) and you're absolutely sure you got this, then have at it. Oh, and just survive that first punch and you're good.

No, the best way to avoid a bar fight is to act like thee craziest nutcase that person has ever encountered. I have closed my eyes and told a prospective opponent to just, "Go ahead and take the first swing! Kill me!" I guess it took all the fun out of it for him because he just walked away disgusted. Phew!

My favorite way that I avoided a bar fight was this way:
Not only did I unknowingly offend this one guy, his friends were ready to jump in and make it a very unfair fight. Happens alot to this guy who's 6'6" and 225 lbs. Anyways, I had to think fast. So when he manacingly stuck his index finger in my face, I bit down on that sucker as hard as I could like a dog (complete with growling) until I heard bone crunching. He yelped like a poodle, jumped back, stared at me in disbelief (along with his entourage) and just called me crazy as he nursed his bent finger.

His henchmen stopped dead in their tracks, looked at me with a mixture of fear of the unknown (I mean, c'mon! Who's ever seen a guy do THAT before?) and "this guy's crazy" wide-eyed stare. I think the rabid dog growl was affective also. Bottom line is it worked!

Also, I'm still lucky enough to have my original front teeth because when they ask me, "Who d'ya think you are? A comedian?" I can answer truthfully and say, "Actually, yes, I am!" But a follow-up joke is always needed to prove my point.


Dan W. Miller
a.k.a. "The Vanilla Godzilla"

Act happy, avoid eye contact with the guy who looks to be pissed off at the world, make friends with the biggest guy if yiou can and don't touch another guy's woman!
Act happy, avoid eye contact with the guy who looks to be pissed off at the world, make friends with the biggest guy if yiou can and don't touch another guy's woman!

Put up your dukes!

Have you ever been in a bar fight?

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    • Askme profile image

      By O'Reilly 

      5 years ago

      LOL yes, lots of hand slapping and finger pointing in the face by one short, fat blond woman ,who believe it or not, was able to shout me down all while wearing a white fur stole of some sort around her shoulders.

      I am certain these women later became the Clay Aiken fans

    • Dan W Miller profile imageAUTHOR

      Dan W Miller 

      5 years ago from the beaches of Southern California now living in Phoenix since 2000

      I picture a bunch of open hand slapping and wildly uncoordinated "punches" being tossed about blindly. Although THAT IS some claim to fame: "I kicked a bunch of Barry Manilow fans' asses!"

    • Askme profile image

      By O'Reilly 

      5 years ago

      I was in a bar fight of sorts. Actually it was at a Barry Manilow concert back in the early 1980's. My boss was a Fanilow and thought it would be great for all of us to go see a concert. He was paying, so I went with the group. We had dinner and lots of drinks before the concert which led to us non-fanilows making snarky remarks which was not appreciated by the two women sitting in front of us.

      One word here, a turn around and bad look there, after the concert they both blocked me from leaving the aisle and fists flew. Great fun!

    • Dan W Miller profile imageAUTHOR

      Dan W Miller 

      5 years ago from the beaches of Southern California now living in Phoenix since 2000

      I haven't touched the wordage one bit and have watched the score creep down from 75 to 71 to 70 and then I made a documented comment about it and a few minutes later the score dropped twice to 69 now 68. WHY? STOP!

    • Dan W Miller profile imageAUTHOR

      Dan W Miller 

      7 years ago from the beaches of Southern California now living in Phoenix since 2000

      I have to disagree with both of you. I still have my front teeth and there's a reason for that. I never say what I'm going to do and the guys that do usually WISH they could do what they claim they will to you. I get more confrontations than the average person and only because of jealousy is all I can fathom.

      I get strange challenges for being tall, having blond hair, being able to talk to women with flair and having looks that aren't exactly scary.

      I'm old(er) and, after almost dying 3 yrs ago, I'm not as rock hard as I was before. I just let the hero have his way and go back to talking to the hot woman. Then ultimately I won in the end. Also being able to joke about the situation (I'm a stand-up comedy show host) I can make whoever is with earshot laugh and the challenger look like a fool and all he has to blame is himself then.

    • ThoughtSandwiches profile image

      ThoughtSandwiches 

      7 years ago from Reno, Nevada

      Dan...

      I would disagree with Kevin's old daddy above. I'm always glad to make a 'good stand' as soon as my 'fast run' places me out of harm's way. From THAT vantage point...I would continue to talk shit...lol

      Good read! Voting all the Up buttons and such.

      Thomas

    • Dan W Miller profile imageAUTHOR

      Dan W Miller 

      7 years ago from the beaches of Southern California now living in Phoenix since 2000

      I'm always the tallest guy (6'6" 220 lbs) wherever I go and used to be in great shape. So INTIMIDATION always worked... uh, peacefully for me, Kevin. Just stand a bit too close when confronted was the way to it. Just too old for any of that now. I have to use the "comedic route."

    • kevins blog52 profile image

      kevins blog52 

      7 years ago from southern Indiana

      Good thinking Dan, But my old daddy always told me a good stand is better then a fast run. up and funny.

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