ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel
  • »
  • Travel and Places»
  • Visiting North America

Poetry and the Human Condition Pt 5 Tequila Trouble!

Updated on June 7, 2011

It is said machetes have killed more people than guns!

No senor, por favor, not my cojones!! credit google images.
No senor, por favor, not my cojones!! credit google images.

Not all parents like their darling being seduced by the Gringo!

For those who have visited Mexico, they know that amor and borracheros (love and drunkenness) often go hand-in-hand.
Gringo males, perhaps not used to the gorgeous and exotic Latin mujer (woman) fall in love, spelled "lust" more quickly than common sense should have dictated. Yep: fools often rush in "south of the border" when the mariachis begin their plaintive wail; the nights are tropic-warm and balmy and the Herradura (top tequila) flows like agua.
For her part, weaned on Hollywood and television, showing North American males driving sleek cars into the sunset and living in mansions, beautiful girls on each arm, the young seƱorita just knows all Gringo males are millionaires and can't wait to spread the largess around. And it is true - at least for the couple of weeks the vacation lasts.
But all these elements can add up to spell TROUBLE - and here's one time when the worst was only averted by something more than chump-change. I should know: it happened to me (honest...more or less) in the days before I grew any common sense. The setting was the unsurpassed resort of Puerto Vallarta on the Pacific the days before commercialisation ruined the place. It was an ambitious poem in the rhyming of English and Spanish words but great fun. Please read explanation of Spanish words at end.

Tequila Torment.

"I met my match in Mexico,
In steamy Puerto Vallarta:
Got legless 'neath the tropic moon;
Made love lit by it after.
I don't know why I was so rash -
I'm suffering from remorse:
It must have been the tequila,
Or maybe the chilli sauce?

Next day Conchita called around,
(I had a turrible crudo).
I wiped the moisture from my brow:
Sweat stinking of menudo.
She stood there with a huge dark chap,
That sticky day in December.
I quavered, 'Who the heck is he?'
She smiled, 'Dad: don't you remember?'

'You hired the mariachis, dear,
You paid a great mordida,
For them to play for mum and dad:
I became your prometida!'
I gulped, 'Prometida, what is that?'
She said, 'Don't tease me, honey,'
The papa pulled the machete out!
It all cost me heaps of money.

A close escape, my dearest friends,
The night I dropped my guardo:
That damned tequila mixed with chilli sauce
Nearly had me entrapado.
So when you visit Mexico
To hook up with the seƱoritas,
Don't mix amor with the fiery sauce
And Herradura chugged by litres!"

crudo hang-over

mordida a bribe

menudo a stew made from cows' intestines and chili.

prometida fiancee

guardo guard

entrapado trapped

Note: the Spanish may not all be totally accurate...don't chide me, I don't care!


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • Hello, hello, profile image

      Hello, hello, 7 years ago from London, UK

      Thank you for your comment. It is a shame Mexico gone down like with the help of these drug barons and corruption. It has so much to offer and would have a great tourism and everybody could earn from it.

    • diogenes profile image

      diogenes 7 years ago from UK and Mexico

      Well, no, Hanna, it wasn't. And I guess it was me being bad really. I was a drunk for 25 years, many things happened! Thanks for visit...Bob

    • Hello, hello, profile image

      Hello, hello, 7 years ago from London, UK

      WAs Mexico always as bad, in those days, as it is now? I enjoyed reading your story and poem.

    • diogenes profile image

      diogenes 7 years ago from UK and Mexico

      Thanks Joseph, that's a kind comment...Bob

    • Joseph Lane profile image

      Joseph Lane 7 years ago from Fredericton, New Brunswick, Canada

      I love your stuff, you've got yourself a big fan here.

    • diogenes profile image

      diogenes 7 years ago from UK and Mexico

      Hi amwalsh. Yes, plenty more, but not all publishable!

      You got lucky, Will. I never had much luck with Mexican ladies despite marrying and having kids there where I lived for 16 years...Bob

    • WillStarr profile image

      WillStarr 7 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      I married a lovely señorita, and I was cold sober. In fact, she's currently looking over my shoulder!

    • amwalsh profile image

      amwalsh 7 years ago from Georgia

      Bob you have very interesting life stories. I like the poetry. This sounded like a juicy episode, got any more?

    • diogenes profile image

      diogenes 7 years ago from UK and Mexico

      Hi Bobbi. I used to drink tequila, but it is too strong now and burns my throat. I have been more drunk on tequila in my drinking days than any other booze...Bob

    • BobbiRant profile image

      BobbiRant 7 years ago from New York

      This is good advice. Not mixing the 'powerful sauce' with anything that might require serious considerations. I love tequila though, good stuff. Great hub too.


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: ""

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)