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Humor from Scotland

Updated on August 25, 2016

We ran out of pounds, so they put me in here.

We just saw the new 007, which we loved, particularly because it ended in Scotland. The scenes were in winter and looked pretty bleak, but amazing. My husband and I went to Scotland a few summers ago, and we had a blast of a time, especially trying to figure out the roundabouts and bus stops. But, it sure was beautiful with wild flowers growing all over by the side of the roads.

My favorite thing to do while we drove around the highlands and lowlands was listen to the radio stations.The Scots really have a great sense of humor, and I enjoyed the poking fun of just about everything - because it is free! (I am part Scottish - the Anderson clan)

Here are some of my favorite jokes I heard:

A keen Scottish rugby supporter was watching a match against England at Murrayfield. Beside him was the only empty seat in the entire stadium.

"Whose seat is that?" asked the man on the other side.

"It's my wife's."

"By why isn't she here?"

"She's dead."

"Well, why didn't you give the ticket to one of your friends?"

"They're all at the funeral."

A passer-by outside a small Highland village saw a young girl struggling to drive a reluctant cow along the road.

"I've got to take it out to the bull," explained the child.

"Couldn't your father do that?" asked the passer-by.

"Oh, no," said the child. "He said it had to be the bull.

A man from Aberdeen came across a perfectly good crutch lying by the side of the road. He picked it up, hurried home with it and broke his wife's leg.

How many Scots does it take to change a lightbulb?

It's not that dark, is it?

Why do pipers march when they play?

A moving target is harder to hit.

How does a Moray ploughman have a bubble bath?

He has a plate of beans for dinner.

Golf - the sport in which you shout "Fore!", shoot five, and write three.

Dr. Watson of Edinburgh was famous for his bedside manner and his ability to reassure patients. Calling on one of his patients one day, he said, "I have bad news and very bad news. Which would you like me to tell you first?"

The patient gulped. "Er, the bad news, Doctor."

"You have only one day left to live," said Dr. Watson

"If that's the bad news, what can the very bad news be? gasped the patient.

"I should have told you yesterday."

Bagpipes - defined as the missing link between music and noise.

A schoolboy was trying on his first long trousers.

"They're too tight." he said to his mother. "Tighter than my skin."

"How can they be tighter than your skin?"

"I can sit down in my skin."

After an open-air service, the preacher passed his hat round the scanty collection of people who had stood listening to him. It came back completely empty. The preacher raised his eyebrows, surveyed the gathering, then looked skyward. "I thank Thee, O Lord," he declared, "for the safe return of my hat.

An Australian entered a bar and stood beside a Scotsman.

"Where are you from, pal?" asked the Scotsman, after they'd chatted for a while.

"I'm from the finest country in the whole wide world," said the Australian.

"Are you?"said the other. "You have a damn funny accent for a Scotsman."

When Hamish was still at school, he once brought home a report which said, "We had thought Hamish had reached rock bottom. But he has started digging."

A Scotsman, An Englishman and an Australian were in a bar and had just started on a new round when a fly landed in each glass of beer. The Englishman took his out on the blade of his Swiss Army knife. The Australian blew his away in a cloud of froth. The Scotsman lifted his one up carefully by the wings and held it above his glass. "Go on, spit it oot, ye wee devil," he growled.

Two farm lads were out driving in their pick-up truck when the brakes failed on a hill. "Help!" cried one, "we're going to crash."

"It's all right," said the other. "there's a stop sign at the bottom."

A London-dwelling Scotsman met a friend one day, who noticed his long face.

"What's the matter, Wuliie?"

"Well, I was on jury service, and I was given three days in jail."

"For being on a jury? How did that happen?"

"The judge said 'What is your name?' and I said 'William Wallace MacDiamid MacGregor.' He said 'Are you Scottish, by any chance?' and I said 'Are you a bloody comedian?'"

"Why are you crying?' young Jimmy asked little Maisie next door.

"Cos my granny's gone to heaven," she sobbed.

"Och well, don't cry - maybe she hasn't," said Jimmy sympathetically.

"I haven't spoken to my wife in 25 years."

"Good gracious! Why not?"

"She doesn't like being interrupted."


Submit a Comment

  • elayne001 profile image

    Elayne 6 years ago from Rocky Mountains

    Thank you saif113sb. I appreciate your positive vibes.

  • saif113sb profile image

    saif113sb 6 years ago

    Very nice and great information. thanks

  • elayne001 profile image

    Elayne 7 years ago from Rocky Mountains

    Thanks Tiny Pearls - Hope to return again to Scotland some day soon.

  • Tiny Pearls profile image

    Tiny Pearls 7 years ago

    Hi Elayne, great hub! My husband is Scottish, and we visit his family there regularly. I agree they are very special people!

  • elayne001 profile image

    Elayne 7 years ago from Rocky Mountains

    Glad to liked it Shinkicker. You should know! Thanks for checking it out.

  • Shinkicker profile image

    Shinkicker 7 years ago from Scotland

    Typical Scottish humour, made me laugh Elayne.


  • elayne001 profile image

    Elayne 8 years ago from Rocky Mountains

    Glad you enjoyed it susanlang. Have a great day. Keep on smilin' - no one will know what you are up to.

  • susanlang profile image

    susanlang 8 years ago

    (laughing and clapping) I love the scottish people, some of my friends are scottish. This just rocked my boat today, thanks.

  • elayne001 profile image

    Elayne 8 years ago from Rocky Mountains

    Glad you liked them Cathi. You might be a bit Scottish too!

  • Cathi Sutton profile image

    Cathi Sutton 8 years ago

    LOL!!! This was great! I can't wait to tell my brother all these jokes! He is a joke-a-holic and will love them as much I as do! Thanks!

  • elayne001 profile image

    Elayne 8 years ago from Rocky Mountains

    glad to oblige. Thanks habee for stopping by and commenting. Aloha!

  • habee profile image

    Holle Abee 8 years ago from Georgia

    Great hub - it gave me some chucks!

  • elayne001 profile image

    Elayne 8 years ago from Rocky Mountains

    thanks for the link - appreciate that! Glad you enjoyed it Pamela99.

  • Pamela99 profile image

    Pamela Oglesby 8 years ago from United States

    Great laughs. I love your hub and put a link on mine. Humor is good for everyone.

  • elayne001 profile image

    Elayne 8 years ago from Rocky Mountains

    Make sure you see the videos - they are good for a couple of laughs. Thanks!

  • Enelle Lamb profile image

    Enelle Lamb 8 years ago from Canada's 'California'

    Loved it! I will be back tomorrow to watch the videos :D

  • elayne001 profile image

    Elayne 8 years ago from Rocky Mountains

    Thanks Ann Nonymous. Yes, the Scots can be really dry but you laugh anyways.

    Glad you stopped by LianaK. Yes, I liked that video too of the Scottish wife. Try it at your own risk.

    I appreciate your comments Micky Dee. glad you enjoyed it.

  • Micky Dee profile image

    Micky Dee 8 years ago

    Pretty funny stuff here! Thank you Elayne! Very nice videos and jokes!

  • LianaK profile image

    LianaK 8 years ago

    :). Great fun. Thanks so much for the fun jokes :). I especially liked the youtube video of the scotish wife :). rofl. Have a great day.

  • Ann Nonymous profile image

    Ann Nonymous 8 years ago from Virginia

    Ha ha ha! I really enjoyed this. Some is so dry...I love it elayne! Good job and thanks for the laughs and an inside look at Scottish personalities!

  • elayne001 profile image

    Elayne 8 years ago from Rocky Mountains

    Glad to oblige Hello, hello. Thanks for your comments.

  • Hello, hello, profile image

    Hello, hello, 8 years ago from London, UK

    You gave me a great laugh. Thank you.

  • elayne001 profile image

    Elayne 8 years ago from Rocky Mountains

    Glad you got a chuckle out of the Scottish humor Aaron99. Thanks for the comments.

  • profile image

    AARON99 8 years ago

    A great hub with lots of humour. It makes people lough and loughing is very beneficial for health. Well done. Enjoy.

  • elayne001 profile image

    Elayne 8 years ago from Rocky Mountains

    Glad all the Scots are taking the time out to visit this funny little hub. Guess it takes one to understand some of the jokes : )

  • katiem2 profile image

    katiem2 8 years ago from I'm outta here

    elayne, What a Fab of a Hub, I spent a ton of time reading every word and watching all the videos. Great jokes guid jokes. lol lol lol Thanks for putting this one together. From yet another Scot to another LOVED IT!

  • Kendall H. profile image

    Kendall H. 8 years ago from Northern CA

    Great hub! From one fellow scot to another I loved it!

  • elayne001 profile image

    Elayne 8 years ago from Rocky Mountains

    Glad you found it mostly funny 2patricias. Better than half funny I suppose.

    Happy you stopped by msorensson, and, yes we can always use a good laugh.

    thanks for your comments bkcreative. I'll have to check out your humor therapy hub. G'day!

  • BkCreative profile image

    BkCreative 8 years ago from Brooklyn, New York City

    I saw the word humor and that got me here. Laughter where ever you find it in the world is such good fun. I just wrote a hub about humor therapy - seems laughter is the best medicine after all!

    Thanks for the laughter!

  • msorensson profile image

    msorensson 8 years ago

    Well done. Early morning laugh is good for the soul. Thank you Elayne

  • 2patricias profile image

    2patricias 8 years ago from Sussex by the Sea

    Mostly funny - which is better count than most.