Things to Remember to Take and Do on My Climb up Mt. Everest

A scary, intimidating place: Mt. Everest, the tallest mountain in the world.

A brave, courageous man: Sir Edmund Hillary, credited for being the first man to climb Everest.

Actually I do now know which one intimidates me more. Both are easily able to over-shadow a man like me who in his life has never accomplished anything of such magnitude as climbing this towering creation. I would have to concede that Hillary is far from having the genes of an average man. Climbing Mt. Everest to me is like screaming outloud in God's face, "Here I am! Take me."

And being the first human to conquer a mountain like Everest does have its perks. I remember well when Sears Roebuck, before it was just Sears, devoted page after page of camping gear all endorsed by Sir Edmund Hillary. I am positive that he didn't use every stitch of the equipment, but he fully-inspected it before he put his name on it. Plus drawing a hefty payday from Sears. What a guy.

In Hillary's day, his conquest of Everest was arguably "the" event of events. It was years before anyone else dared to follow in Hillary's climbing boot tracks, but it happened. In latter years, a lot of climbers made it to the top of Everest, but they had the use of high-tech tools such as tablets, iPhones and well, if it were high tech, these shrewd climbers had it.

But which of these two statements had you rather describe you?

1. "Joe Average" was the first to conquer Mount Everest."

2. "Joe Average" was just one of the many climbers who conquered Mount Everest?"

I am leaning toward the first statement. Although there is nothing wrong with the second statement, but there is just "that" something in being "the first" at achieving such a monumental challenge.

So, just in a hypothetical sense, if I were to be challenged to climb Mount Everest, I would first look at the list of those who failed, and then find out why. Then "my bases would be covered." And a story would be sure to follow called

Things to Remember to Take and Do on My Climb up Mt. Everest

• An expert guide to lead me and our team of climbers away from dangers like falling rock zones, wild mountain goats who hate humans, and weak places in the glaciers.
• Call my funeral director and work out the details of my funeral with him . . .just in case.
• Buy more life insurance for the sake of my wife and grandkids.
• Probate my will for distribution of my worldly-goods to be divided between my wife, daughter and grandkids.
• Go on our local low-power television station to give my climb some free publicity.
• Sell space on my clothes like the SprintCup/NASCAR drivers' jumpsuit for mega-billion-dollar sponsors.
• Tell Homeland Security why I am leaving the country and prove to them that I am a foolish, 61-year-old man who has led a sheltered life.
• Two iPhones, Ipads, cell phones, my prescription nerve medications, my Bible, a photo of my wife and grandkids to remind me that there is life after Everest.
• A can of Planters cashews for my much-needed energy boost.
• A few Butterfingers to munch at night to make m drowsy.
• Great climbing rope, pick axes, and equipment endorsed by some of those high-tech climbers who came after Hillary.
• A comfy sleeping bag equipped with a secret pocket loaded with roasted peanuts.
• A personal 12-cup coffee maker for my tent. Note: My expedition team does not know I have my coffee maker or they will keep me up all night drinking up my coffee.
• A great laptop so I can write hubs of my adventure each night after we gain more height.
• Heat-radiating socks, thermal underwear, and insulated boggin.
• Some fantastic mouth-wash.
• Powdered beef stew, chicken noodle soup, and super-hot chili to share with my team.
• President Obama's personal phone number to keep him informed of my progress.
• A pre-written speech of appreciation naming all of the members of my team and every sponsor and everyone who contributed to our successful climb or as climbers on the inside call it . . .

"God's Grain of Sand."