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When Home Doesn't Feel Like Home

Updated on April 2, 2010

I have traveled many times over the years. Stayed with family, in-laws, friends, a week or two at time. I have always been so glad to come back home. I left my home ten weeks ago for the trip of a life time. I just returned on Monday. For the first time in my life I am not happy to be home. And I do not intend to stay.

I have lived here for 47 years and have loved it. But much has transpired over the last ten years that has urged my soul to leave. The trip I took put the icing on the cake for me and has given me the courage to make a change. This town has gone to hell in a hand basket. Drugs, shootings, killings and has became run down. Even the neighborhood I live in has took a dive. It is very sad to see this happen.

Coming back is not something I wanted to do. But I have to take care of some things before I can make my move. It is not setting well with many that I have chose this route, but it is my life and I do not want to be 80 years old looking back and kicking myself for not following the urging in my soul.

I do feel sad that it does not feel like home anymore. I was raised here and I raised my kids here, saw my grandchildren born here. I have many friends here, some childhood friends others new found friends. I love my neighbors. I have asked myself why? Why do I not feel at home here anymore? If any of you have read some of my hubs you know that I have dealt with much heartache over the last 20 years. My Dad and Grandmother both died in the house I have here. Lots of misery has came about there too. Yes there are wonderful memories of times spent with family and friends there. But over all my life has been complicated by others actions and just need to get my own space away from all the drama that I seem to get dragged into.

I have raised my kids and now some are raising theirs and some aren't. I have talked until I am blue in the face to no avail. Even 400 miles away I was getting phone calls, 'you need to do this and you need to do that.' I do not want to be pulled back in to referee domestic violence, to watch as my son ruins his life with drugs, to waste my breath. Sometimes I feel like I am standing in the middle and life is just whirling around me and I am getting nowhere. I feel like my life has not been my own.

During my trip I felt free and able to live. I didn't have to see the garbage that was going on here. My mind reeling in ' what ifs ?' or ' how can I solve this?' I was able to sleep at night and let them deal with things on their own. I was able to finally think of my needs and wants. I am not a selfish person by any means, but somewhere along the line I lost sight of me, of who I was and what I would like for my life. This trip has helped me regain that, to an extent, after all these years.

It has taken me a few days to adjust to being back. My friends and family were glad to see me and I them. But 2 days in, the drama rears its ugly head, reinforcing my need to get away from here. My job here is done. I need time for me, time to lose all the thoughts that tumble through my head causing unrest. So my solution is to move 4 states away to the state I was born in and make a life for myself there. I do have family there, but they won't be next door. I will miss my family and friends here, but it is time for a change. If I do not do it now I feel sure that I will be stuck here and I cannot live with that. If I take me out of the equation maybe they will stand on their own two feet and pull it together. Then they will have done it on their own and feel better about themselves. I cannot do it for them, nor do I even want to it for them, and I am certain that they will do just fine without me.

So please wish me well on my journey.

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    • singlmomat52 profile imageAUTHOR

      singlmomat52 

      7 years ago

      Yes He does guide. He always gives me signs as reminders and I recognize them. He is Awesome!! Thank you for your prayers, and for reading and commenting on my Hub, I do appreciate it so much. Blessings......

    • drpastorcarlotta profile image

      Pastor Dr. Carlotta Boles 

      7 years ago from BREAKOUT MINISTRIES, INC. KC

      Jesus will guide you! Keep intouch! I am praying for you!!!!!! Much love....

    • singlmomat52 profile imageAUTHOR

      singlmomat52 

      7 years ago

      Thank you eculligan, my journey is awesome, having the most fun I have ever had in my life and I am so Thankful!!!

    • eculligan profile image

      eculligan 

      7 years ago

      I wish you well on your journey! Good Luck

    • singlmomat52 profile imageAUTHOR

      singlmomat52 

      7 years ago

      I appreciate that you have spent some time reading my hubs. And I agree 'change is good'. I have been here now for 5 months and although it has been a struggle, I am working part time and really need full time, I wouldn't have it any other way. I am happy and keeping my chin up and a smile on my face. I always thought of myself as strong but the events over the last 10 years made me question that. I miss them back in Texas but I have found the ME again that I needed so badly. Thank you for your kind comment and for the blessing. I am blessed every moment of every day and I am grateful!!

    • Highvoltagewriter profile image

      William Benner 

      7 years ago from Savannah GA.

      For some reason I have had a strong urge to read more of your Hubs and I landed on this one! Thank you for sharring this hard decession you have made in leaving your home of so many years! But jus like "Taco Bell' says...CHANGE IS GOOD! (Forgive me for my sillness, I was just trying to keep it light, you are a strong woman and I feel blessed to have a chance to get to know you some what). God bless you!

    • singlmomat52 profile imageAUTHOR

      singlmomat52 

      7 years ago

      Thank you Micky Dee!!! I do so appreciate your sweet comment and blessings. Blessings to you as well!!

    • Micky Dee profile image

      Micky Dee 

      7 years ago

      God bless this journey I pray. I do indeed want my sister the singlmomat52 to prosper and see a beautiful light that is HER!

    • singlmomat52 profile imageAUTHOR

      singlmomat52 

      8 years ago

      I am so sorry!! I do hope your situation improves and you find some peace in your heart and in your home. God bless you!!! xxxxx

    • profile image

      Mom-grandma-wife-sister-No good to anyone right now. 

      8 years ago

      Feeling just like this, I left for 3 weeks and just got back on Friday. I feel out of place in my own home, and the drama from my oldest has already started. Glad to know I'm not the only one going through this. Hope your journey fares you well. God Bless you!

    • singlmomat52 profile imageAUTHOR

      singlmomat52 

      8 years ago

      Thank you Dim!!

      I needed that today, a lift and confirmation.

      You Know I will keep in touch as I certainly hope that you do to.

      Thank you always for reading my hubs and for your encouraging words. God bless!!! Singl xx

    • Dim Flaxenwick profile image

      Dim Flaxenwick 

      8 years ago from Great Britain

      Oh Good for you!!!!.. It is surely the right decision . Please keep in touch.

      I've been so heartbroken at the thought of moving to Britain , yoor story helps to give me abit more 'guts'

      Be happy, you lovely lady. It is definately time for you to have some 'you' time and LOTS of it. God Bless Dim x

    • singlmomat52 profile imageAUTHOR

      singlmomat52 

      8 years ago

      Thank you so much for reading my hub and for the good wishes!!Yes I will be writing about my new life!! I am excited!!!

    • sheila b. profile image

      sheila b. 

      8 years ago

      It sounds as though you have made the right decision for the right reasons. Good wishes and it'll be nice to read about your new life.

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