When Home Doesn't Feel Like Home

I have traveled many times over the years. Stayed with family, in-laws, friends, a week or two at time. I have always been so glad to come back home. I left my home ten weeks ago for the trip of a life time. I just returned on Monday. For the first time in my life I am not happy to be home. And I do not intend to stay.

I have lived here for 47 years and have loved it. But much has transpired over the last ten years that has urged my soul to leave. The trip I took put the icing on the cake for me and has given me the courage to make a change. This town has gone to hell in a hand basket. Drugs, shootings, killings and has became run down. Even the neighborhood I live in has took a dive. It is very sad to see this happen.

Coming back is not something I wanted to do. But I have to take care of some things before I can make my move. It is not setting well with many that I have chose this route, but it is my life and I do not want to be 80 years old looking back and kicking myself for not following the urging in my soul.

I do feel sad that it does not feel like home anymore. I was raised here and I raised my kids here, saw my grandchildren born here. I have many friends here, some childhood friends others new found friends. I love my neighbors. I have asked myself why? Why do I not feel at home here anymore? If any of you have read some of my hubs you know that I have dealt with much heartache over the last 20 years. My Dad and Grandmother both died in the house I have here. Lots of misery has came about there too. Yes there are wonderful memories of times spent with family and friends there. But over all my life has been complicated by others actions and just need to get my own space away from all the drama that I seem to get dragged into.

I have raised my kids and now some are raising theirs and some aren't. I have talked until I am blue in the face to no avail. Even 400 miles away I was getting phone calls, 'you need to do this and you need to do that.' I do not want to be pulled back in to referee domestic violence, to watch as my son ruins his life with drugs, to waste my breath. Sometimes I feel like I am standing in the middle and life is just whirling around me and I am getting nowhere. I feel like my life has not been my own.

During my trip I felt free and able to live. I didn't have to see the garbage that was going on here. My mind reeling in ' what ifs ?' or ' how can I solve this?' I was able to sleep at night and let them deal with things on their own. I was able to finally think of my needs and wants. I am not a selfish person by any means, but somewhere along the line I lost sight of me, of who I was and what I would like for my life. This trip has helped me regain that, to an extent, after all these years.

It has taken me a few days to adjust to being back. My friends and family were glad to see me and I them. But 2 days in, the drama rears its ugly head, reinforcing my need to get away from here. My job here is done. I need time for me, time to lose all the thoughts that tumble through my head causing unrest. So my solution is to move 4 states away to the state I was born in and make a life for myself there. I do have family there, but they won't be next door. I will miss my family and friends here, but it is time for a change. If I do not do it now I feel sure that I will be stuck here and I cannot live with that. If I take me out of the equation maybe they will stand on their own two feet and pull it together. Then they will have done it on their own and feel better about themselves. I cannot do it for them, nor do I even want to it for them, and I am certain that they will do just fine without me.

So please wish me well on my journey.