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Can You Guys Review My Entry?

  1. 0
    Ben Blackwellposted 3 years ago

    This is the hub that I have posted on one of the Rising Star categories - http://benblackwell.hubpages.com/hub/Th … s-Monster.

    This is about twice as long as my other articles.  I did not make it longer just to make it longer, it is just the way the planning part turned out.

    Any suggestions and comments would be greatly appreciated.

    1. LongTimeMother profile image97
      LongTimeMotherposted 3 years ago in reply to this

      Hi Ben. For some reason your link took me to an error page, but I found your hub via your profile page. I confess I don't have any interest in the topic, but the hub was well constructed and carried me through to the end - so that's a good sign. smile

      I suggest you break up some of your longer paragraphs, and rewrite the third text capsule so it is less laden with the word 'it'.  Restructuring a few of the sentences should take care of that.

      Also, your photos would benefit from further explanation. For starters, it helps to give credit. You'll find clues on crediting photos in the Learning Center.

      A pic of Treasure Island looks out of place to anyone skimming through the hub before they read the text. I suggest it would help to explain in the caption ... " 'Treasure Island' is one of the books that helped Frankenstein's Monster gain an understanding of people and their roles in society."

      Similarly, you should add an explanation to your North Pole image.

      I noticed an occasional grammatical error like 'afterwords' instead of 'afterwards' but your writing standard is very high.

      If you want to add an amazon capsule, you could link to the novel.

      Here's my last thought. (Sorry this is long, but you did ask.)  You refer to Frankenstein's Monster as 'it' through the entire hub until the very last sentence ... where you wrote 'it' twice and 'he' once. Was that deliberate?

      Again, this final text capsule is laden with 'it'. I believe this section would be stronger if you began with a sentence, listed some bullet points to reinforce your argument, then closed with a concluding sentence.

      Just my opinion. Hope it helps.

      BTW, I voted it up. smile

      1. 0
        Ben Blackwellposted 3 years ago in reply to this

        Thank you for the suggestions.  Your opinion does help.  I am glad that you enjoyed it.

        Oh, and the problem with the link was the period at the end - http://benblackwell.hubpages.com/hub/Th … ns-Monster

  2. Ethan Green profile image93
    Ethan Greenposted 3 years ago

    I have some suggestions:

    1. In the second section it should be victor's notes, not victors notes

    2. "When Frankenstein's monster realized that people communicate verbally, it is taken by the beauty of such a thing, and sets out to learn how to speak himself" - there is a change of tenses here. This is one example, but I think there is a general issue with changes of tenses throughout the article to be honest.

    3. After this point I realized that there is a general grammar issue throughout the article. Sorry! I am no expert, but it stands out for me.

    For example you don't use any colons or semi-colons at points when I think there could be.

    Another example is the frequent over-use of commas:
    In Mary Shelly's Frankenstein, Victor, the protagonist, is plagued with many problems, all of which start at the point he gave life to the monster.

    4. The text needs to be broken up more. Those large chunks of writing will put people off.

    I got a bit tired with this, so I'll leave it at that. I'm sure you can gather that my advice is really to address the grammar:-)

    1. 0
      Ben Blackwellposted 3 years ago in reply to this

      Thank you for your suggestions.