Ali The Bachelorette Justin: Rated R for Ridiculous

There’s always been something a little off about that wrestling shadester, Rated-R.  It was pretty obvious that something would end up going awry for him at some point.  He was voted Most Likely To Have Ulterior Motives the first night, which he countered by crying his way into Ali’s affection.  Weeks later, it all came to a head with one pretty insane phone call.

First of all, everyone knows that it’s never a good sign when Chris Harrison comes a-knockin’ on your door.  They don’t pay him to be the bearer of glad tidings--instead, he’s about as welcome as the Grim Reaper when delivering news.  Needless to say, Ali was visibly nervous when he came to pay her an “unexpected” visit.  Then, in an Emmy-deserving performance he sloooooowly, and with as many dramatic pauses as possible, he explained that a reliable source had contacted him about some dirty-dog behavior by one of the bachelors left in the house.

When Chris finally broke the news, it wasn’t that shocking.  Justin, best known as the fool Rated-R, has a girlfriend of two years in Canada.  He took the rule about different area codes to the extreme by having multiple transnational relationships (psst…Justin, it’s still cheating!).  The source of this information wasn’t TMZ or some random lady at the grocery store, but Jessie, a former contestant from Jake’s season of The Bachelor.   Can I get a big WHAT?  She just so happens to be friends with Rated-R’s real girlfriend, Jessica—who was on standby at Jessie’s house to discuss the situation with Ali.  Naturally.

In a Maury Povich-style twist of events, Jessica claimed that Rated-R had a third girlfriend that he’d been cheating with for two months.  This seemed a little forced and not that interesting, and the more Jessica spoke, the less sense it all made. 

According to Girlfriend #1, Rated-R planned from the start to get into the top 3 in order to promote his wrestling career.  Apparently, Jessica helped him with this evil scheme (because it’s natural to pick out the suit your boyfriend will wear while cheating on you—on national TV).  Did she not realize that if he made it to the final three that there would be an overnight date involved?  Your boyfriend is clearly a pervert who can’t keep it in his pants, and you’re going to give him a free pass to humiliate you?  Self-respect is a nice thing to have--maybe you should look into it.  Sound harsh?  Well, Jessica gave up the victim card when she gave Rated-R the green light to act like a jackass in front of a national audience.

Secondly, did Rated-R not realize that if he made it to the top Ali would come home to meet his parents?  Was he going to drag them into the lie?  Didn’t his mama teach him better?  No amount of money (entertainment wrestlers don’t exactly make NBA amounts of cash) is worth making your grandmother look like a liar.  Respect for women, my toenail!  Another confusing part is, Chris L couldn’t find a phone to call his dad on his birthday, but Rated-R had the AT&T operator on speed dial to make international calls to Jessica every night?

Once Ali got the “whole” story, she didn’t seem sad at all—just really, really angry.  I didn’t agree with her holding a town meeting over the whole ordeal.  Not that Rated-R deserves privacy or anything, but it made the whole thing seem contrived.  He didn’t make any attempt to deny anything, he just said “no” a bunch of times and left.  She tried to goad him by repeating “be a man”—he’s not a man, he’s a dog so obviously that wasn’t going to work.  What do you expect from him?  When Chris Harrison struck the bees nest and asked “You’re gonna walk out without saying anything to her?” Rated-R made real Bachelorette history by firing back a big, fat F-You at the venerable host.

The cameramen had Rated-R trapped like a rat, and he made his escape by traipsing through some lovely manicured foliage.  When he finally sat down with Ali, he attempted to give the rose back.  Puh-lease.  He thought that would make good TV?  No wonder he’s a cheesy entertainment wrestler.  Rated-R gave his version of the story, that he and Jessica are best friends and he’s been changing his mind a lot over the past few weeks.  However, when Ali told him to call Jessica a liar for saying that he went on the show to promote himself, he couldn’t do it.  Why ruin things with the one girl still talking to you? 

The part that actually bothered me is that Jessica released all of Rated-R’s voicemails to the show.  It was a little Tiger Woods to me.  I understand that she’s been betrayed (if you ignore that pesky permission slip she gave him), but this trend needs to die.  Linda Tripp started it back in the 90’s and I think it’s time to stop the TMI.  We’re killing our own imaginations!  At least none of the voicemails were salacious like all of the celebrity texts that have been released over the past year.  Ok--Rant over.

The really dumb part is Jessica will probably end up marrying that clown.  Sad, sad little girl.  At least they both reached their goal, they were on TV and he’ll go down in Bachelorette history as the SECOND guy to go on the show with a girlfriend.  Get an original storyline for next season, please.

"I don’t have a girlfriend.  I’m out.”-Rated-R

“I love you.”-Rated-R (to Jessica)