How to Be a Total Jerk
How to be a jerk
If you've ever wanted to be a total jerk, but couldn't manage to do it, I am here to help you. After all, there are plenty of jerks out there in the world (I encounter them everyday), so why not teach you how to join them? It is actually way easier to be a total jerk than it is to be a nice person. So why are you bothering being kind or thoughtful to others?
If you follow my instructions, you will be certain to be frowned upon by society. You might get glares from others. You could even get cursed out! Imagine all the new experiences you will gain from being a jerk! So let me explain some easy ways you can be a jerk today. You don't even have to do everything on this list. I assure you, if you even do a few of my suggestions, you will be a total jerk.
1. Slam doors in people's faces
Are you walking into the mall and people actually have the nerve to walk behind you? Well, you can show them your total jerkiness by slamming the door right in their faces. That is right. Don't hold that door open. That could potentially take an additional 10 seconds of time and jerks can't waste away the seconds like that.
Always remember, the bigger the slam in the face, the bigger jerk you are being to others. Bonus points to you if you happen to slam the door in an elderly person's face.
2. Tease animals
You know what makes jerks feel even better about themselves? Picking on someone (or something) that is smaller and (in theory) less intelligent than them. So if you want to be a real jerk, make sure to tease animals.
Some ideas include:
- Hold treats over the heads of animals, but never let them have it.
- Jump out in front of jittery animals and scare them. Small furry animals usually become the most terrified.
- Eat food in front of caged animals. This is especially cruel if it happens to be their favorite food. Try it at the zoo next time, too!
- Chase birds at the park. Why should they get to relax?
3. Bully little kids
Along the same lines as teasing animals, bullying kids is a great way to show the world you are superior to everyone else. After all, it might be a challenge to pick on someone your own size.
Of course, if you happen to be a child that bullies other children, you are a mini-jerk. Good for you. Your parents must be so proud. Maybe you can one day even add that skill to your college applications. Or maybe one day some other kid is going to stand up to you and then your jerk-in-training days will be over. Good luck with that.
4. Wake people up that are sleeping
It doesn't matter whether you live with friends, family, roommates, dorm mates, or a significant other... waking people up when they are fast asleep instantly makes you a jerk. The only exceptions to this rule are: A) that person is running late for something, B) someone asked for a wakeup call before going to sleep, or C) the sleeping person has a concussion and it not allowed to be asleep. Other than that... jerk.
You can really take your jerkiness to a whole new level depending on how you wake people up. A loud instrument is super annoying. Allowing a pack of wild animals into the bedroom after covering the sleeping person with food is outright scary... and makes you a total jerk.
5. Trip people that walk by
Everyone trips sometimes. And yes, sometimes it can be funny depending on the situation. However, it is never hilarious. Laughing hysterically just because someone trips kind of makes you are jerk.
If you decide to trip someone because you think it is funny, it is not. You are a total jerk. No one likes to just walk along and deal with falling. You are a super jerk if you set up some elaborate trap to make someone trip. You are the biggest jerk ever if you try to trip the elderly, trip anyone handicapped, or if anything breaks at all... yes, that includes broken bones or something that person is carrying.
6. Make up stuff
Liars are really annoying people. They can especially be jerks when they make things up for personal gain. Yeah, everyone likes to get ahead in life, but if the only way you can do it is by lying to others, then it is not worth it.
Some people don't even lie for personal gain. Some people are just simple jerks that like to mess with other people. If you are telling lies just to keep yourself entertained, but you are ruining the lives of others, you are a real jerk.
7. Tell on people
No one likes a rat, especially at work. I can see if you have to tattle on someone. If you look outside and see your neighbor is about to shoot someone, you'd better call the cops. You are not ratting on someone else... you are potentially preventing a serious crime from being committed or you are even saving a life. However, some people are just rats. Let me give you an example.
If Bob at work gets in everyday about 5 or 10 minutes late, why bother telling on him? This is especially the case if the job has a relaxed atmosphere and Bob works harder than most people there. If Bob being late does not bother your job in anyway, then don't be a jerk. Keep your mouth shut and let Bob's manager deal with it. If you are directly asked about it, then you might have to cave in and tell someone. Otherwise, don't be a rat... no one likes a rat.
Simple equation for most tattletale situations: rat = jerk
8. Mock people
One of the most aggravating things a person can do is mock other people on a frequent basis. This is especially the case if it is done in a bullying way. Mocking a friend here and there is OK if the friend laughs along. Mocking someone all the time isn't funny. When you start laughing at someone instead of laughing with someone, the joke has gone too far. Keep it up and everyone will consider you a total jerk in no time.
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9. Drive like a jerk
Probably the most evil human beings on this planet are terrible drivers. I am not talking about drivers that simply are not paying attention or just have poor driving skills. I am talking about the aggressive drivers of the world. You are the jerks that force the rest of us to use excessive profanity. You are kings in the world of total jerks.
If you are interested in becoming a big jerk while driving, here are some of the most infuriating things you can do that will make others want to kill you:
- Speed up when you see pedestrians trying to cross the street in front of you.
- Merge into other lanes without using signals. Make sure to do it at the most inconvenient time possible for other drivers.
- Weave in and out of traffic while speeding as if you are starring in your own rendition of The Fast and the Furious.
- Make sure to text or talk on your phone while driving. If possible, try to do both at once while driving.
- Hit the brakes a lot for no reason; make sure there are plenty of cars behind you.
- Flip people off and honk the horn for no reason.
- Treat stop signs as if they are mere suggestions, not commands.
- Whistle and yell at pedestrians as you drive down the street.
- Wait the last possible minute to decide you are going to turn. Make sure to stop in the street if need be.
- Red lights - who needs them? Make sure to speed right through those pesky obstacles in your way.
10. Become self absorbed
In order to reach full total jerk status, you must embrace what it is to be the most amazing person on this planet. Total jerks often are under the misconception they are a gift to this planet. It is actually an honor to know them.
If you want to be the greatest jerk of all, it is time to accept you are perfect. All your friends should bow down to you. When you say jump, naturally they should ask how high. If you need a favor, there should be a line of people waiting to help you. If anyone else needs help, naturally you can't be burdened with that. You've got a lot of being perfect to handle in your personal life. You don't have time for others and their little issues.
Once you truly embrace your perfection, you will easily take for granted everyone else in your life. You are now a total jerk! I can see my work here is now done.
Copyright ©2014 Jeannieinabottle
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