Stuff I'd Like to See on HGTV

I am truly surprised to learn just how many couples watch HGTV together. I suppose it is a good bonding experience. Perhaps couples watch it so they can fantasize about buying a new house together. More likely, I think people like to watch it, make fun of the picky couples on those shows, and then congratulate each other on being way cooler than those people. I mean, isn't it always easier to believe you are the better person since a camera crew is not following you around and making you watch yourself on TV?

At any rate, whether you are a House Hunters fan or a Property Brothers lover (and who doesn't enjoy watching those guys?), there are some things I never get to see on HGTV. Here is just a small list of things I wish I could see on HGTV.

I never get to see unfriendly hermits on HGTV! I am tired of it. Every time a couple looks at a house, within no time, they are both judging how much they can entertain in the house. "Oh, this kitchen is too small for entertaining!" "Oh, I need a second rec room for the large group of friends I entertain every week!"

Seriously people, are you really entertaining that much? How can ALL of you be that friendly and welcoming? There isn't a single grumpy hermit in the bunch. I will bet most people are just making that up. They are saying it for the camera and then they sit at home with TV dinners alone every night. I want to go on House Hunters one day and tell them, "It's cool. I never have people over. I am actually quite unfriendly. I don't need a large kitchen. Thanks!"

I rarely see grateful people on HGTV. Sure, you see them a time or two, but it does not happen a lot. Instead I see an assortment of picky couples, annoying couples, or picky and annoying couples. Apparently the family with one kid will die if that child does not have two bedrooms. If there aren't 4 bathrooms, Spunky the cat will not have his own private bathroom for his litter box.

Here is what I've learned from HGTV shows:

• If your bathroom does not have a double vanity in it, you may as well just burn your whole house down now.
• No matter what budget you have for renovating, you will need to spend double that amount because you will find either A) asbestos, B) mold, C) bad wiring, D) leaks, or E) a horrifying combination of A through D. Somehow that is the fault of the person renovating the home, never the homeowner.
• Changing your mind in the middle of a renovation is perfectly acceptable and if you can't get your way, whine until you do.
• You'd better have granite counter tops in your kitchen. If you have not updated your kitchen cabinets in the last 2 years, you are not worthy of selling your home. You are probably not worthy of even having a kitchen. Go live in a tent now.
• All houses should have walk-in closets, even if the house is 50 years old. Sure, everyone wants the "charm" of an older house, but that does not mean it should not have every modern amenity.
• If you have wallpaper in your home, you are sadly out of style. Unless your house is expensive. Then you are trendy and retro. I don't make the rules, folks, this is just what I've learned.
• Carpet is the root of all that is evil. Apparently the carpet monsters come out and eat your feet if you happen to buy a home with carpet.

What I really wish I was seeing on HGTV shows are grateful people. Jonathan on Property Brothers works to all hours just to please homeowners. Sure, they might thank him, but rarely do they seem to appreciate the trouble he went through. Hey, that guy lost sleep trying to give you the perfect tile in the bathroom. An attempt at putting a sincere smile on your face shows some gratitude - give it a try. It also wouldn't hurt for Love It or List It participants to show a bit more appreciation, too. Hilary all but performs miracles on houses homeowners were just "too busy" to ever repair or organize themselves.

Yeah, yeah, some people enjoy looking at mansions. That is cool since many shows about shopping for homes include mansions, or at the very least, homes that are way out of many folk's price range. You get to hear phrases like: "Oh, no. I wanted my own private island with running water in the shed," or "Ouch, 2 million dollars? I was really hoping for something in the 1.5 price range." Gag!

You know what I'd like to see? Working class people, poor people, broke people, and any other type of person I can relate to better than the people I am watching. Sure, there are some shows with Middle Class Jane and John Doe shopping for a home, but I never get to see anyone apartment shopping in a poor neighborhood.

I have yet to see a couple checking out the options in the trailer park. I want to hear about exciting amenities like a lack of roaches or running water (that wasn't brown) in the bathroom. I know those were a couple of priorities for me when I went apartment shopping when I was younger. I know there are others out there that can relate to these ideas. Give me more home buyers that are on a real budget.

To be honest, I am not that into gardens. However, the name of the channel is Home & Garden TV. Lately, there is a lot more home and very little garden. My mother yearns for the days when HGTV used to show gardening shows. Sometimes she needs some pointers on the best place to plant a tree or creative mulching options. Where are some gardening tips?

I don't want to be picky here. I realize many channels show programs that no longer have anything to do with their names. At least we get half of what HGTV promises when we see all those homes. But for people like my mother, how about a few more garden shows?

For now, I feel like this list is about all I need to share. It is a rainy Saturday and I guess I have nothing else to do. Time to watch some HGTV.

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