Tongue Firmly in Cheek

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   IzzyMposted 14 years ago

   Wrote a new hub this afternoon, just for fun. It is topical, relating to a new news item today. Would someone like to read it in it's entirety and comment, please? Pretty please? I don't usually do 'satire' if that is what it could be described as, should I leave it as it is, or go a bit further over the top?

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      ThoughtfulSpotposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Can you link to which hub it is?  I checked your profile, but I'm not sure which hub to read!
      
      I liked your profile though, sounds like a very interesting life.  I, too, just recently joined here because I love writing but have been away from it for many, many years.  Hoping to brush up on some old skills and learn a lot of new ones about writing online.

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   IzzyMposted 14 years ago

   Hi ThoughtfulSpot:)
   Welcome to hubpages...LOL...like I'm an oldtimer!
   Sorry the link is
   http://hubpages.com/hub/New-Green-Initiatives-Maybe

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      ThoughtfulSpotposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks.  I'll try to check it out later today.

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   ThoughtfulSpotposted 14 years ago

   Ok, I'm not great at criticism, but I'll try and turn off the "obsessed with being liked" button and do some constructive points here.
   
   First of all, I think its a nice first attempt at this style.  Although, I think I might call it sarcasm, or skepticism, rather than satire.  (Not a bad thing, though, its good to look at serious subjects with a sense of humor - and, I personally, am a huge fan of sarcasm.) 
   
   The first few topics could use a little revision, I think.  At first, I wasn't sure where you were going with this and you just came off as kind of negative.  I think you really got into your groove around the banning of beans category.  That's when I started to realize that this was intentionally humorous.  I might expand your first paragraph to help illustrate the intent of the article.  A reader sometimes adjusts better to a certain style if they know what to expect.  (I think I would have found your first few segments more amusing and less negative if I realized the tone of your piece.)
   
   The comment about the 83% (instead of 80, or 85) might be a good place to give the reader a taste of what is to come.  That was funny! (Maybe expand a little, giving your take on what percent will come from each industry or person?  Ex. - "I can only assume that the breakdown will be as follows considering the specific 83% dictum.  Automakers 1%, Big Oil 1%, Government 1%, average American household 80%." or something.
   
   Other than that, good for you for trying something new! I definitely laughed quite a few of your comments.  Good luck!

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   IzzyMposted 14 years ago

   Cheers Hun:)
   You have definitely given me the encouragement I need to go back and change a few things, like you suggested. And thanks for the comments.
   I didn't know where the hub was going either until I got to the bean column because I just sat down and threw it out really quickly, but you're right, I should go back and lighten the whole tone of the hub from the start.
   Now comes the HARD work! LOL

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   IzzyMposted 14 years ago

   OK I've made some changes which I hope will make the hub look better:)

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      ThoughtfulSpotposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Home with the kiddos today, so I only had a chance to skim, but I like it so far! Great job on the re-write!

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