Hey! Can you help me fix these lyrics please?

  1. RanaKm profile image40
    RanaKmposted 10 years ago

    Hey everyone!
    I've got surprised about the replies that I've received for my last forum posts so I think I have a good chance about taking a lot of opinions from the great and experienced writers in here...
    Okay, so I have a song and there's this sentence which I'm not really sure about and I want you to edit it for me  ( don't forget to let the words rhyme though ) Okay? big_smile
    Here it is:

    "The Way you look at me and steal my breath
    It's just weird cause I feel like it's a living death "

    There;s something wrong about it and I know that or I'm doubting it... I just didn't find much words that rhyme with " breath" when I was writing this so...

    Your opinions?? big_smile
    Do you think it's good? Bad? Does it need any changes?? etc.....?

    I appreciate your answers and help so thank you in advance!! big_smile

    replyreport
    1. TIMETRAVELER2 profile image74
      TIMETRAVELER2posted 10 years agoin reply to this

      Nothing wrong with the use of words here, but what you wrote does not make a lot of sense.  If someone takes your breath away, that is supposed to indicate that you are enamored of him, not that you feel like having this happen is akin to dying.  You need to restructure your wordage so that you get the right idea across to your readers.

      replyreport
      1. RanaKm profile image40
        RanaKmposted 10 years agoin reply to this

        Yeah this is my point, I want to make a sense to it but I'm just not finding good words to rhyme...But my point here was to say that her lover makes her breath go away and it makes her feel as if like she's dying but the lyrics continue with " but I can't live without you" , so the singer explains that she's in love and all the things that her love does to her makes her feel weak but she can't leave this at the same time... What do you think?? Thank you btw!!!

        replyreport
 
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