Is it Menopause or Tourette's Syndrome?

Menopause? Tourettes?

My friend and I have had an ongoing discussion for the last year or so after we both discovered that our tongues have come loose.  We have realized that we cannot go out together often, we will certainly find ourselves in trouble if we do.  Menopause seems to be creeping up on us, or I suppose it could be sudden onset of Tourettes Syndrome.  Since neither one of us seem to suffer facial tics, although we both seem to suffer from our middle fingers flying up randomly, it has to be Menopause. 

We all know the signs and symptoms of ‘regular’ Menopause, but ours has to be more serious, maybe even terminal.  Regular Menopause is the cessation or irregularity of your menses, night sweats, hot flashes, mood changes, forgetfulness, breast tenderness, vaginal dryness etc…  Yeah, we get it.  What about us?  Those that are suffering the onset of Tourette’s?  It seems that what has irritated us in the past has become 10 X worse than it ever should be.  Things that would be a momentary irritation, has now become a central focus of our day.

foot and mouth disease

You may wonder what I am referring to, let me explain;  When your mouth decides to suddenly open up and spew such foul stuff that even a sailor is embarrassed, that is terminal Menopause.  I mean we could probably get killed or shot with the stuff that comes out of our mouth, or at the very least arrested.  But it may be possible that the looks on our faces when we start spewing, could cause even the most devious of individuals to back off.  I think I have actually felt the steam coming out of my ears and I swear I saw some horns popping out of her head!

Today alone I suffered foot and mouth disease!  My daughter asked me to go the to OB-GYN with her, she is 7 months pregnant and has to go every 2 weeks now.  I really didn’t want to leave the comfort of my nightgown and don ‘real’ clothes.  I haven’t left the confines of my home for 4 days, what is one more day?  Now I know why.  We got to the Doctors office, my 10 month old Granddaughter was sitting in her stroller enjoying life.  The Nurse bent over in front of her and she being the baby she is, patted the Nurses behind.  We chuckled, I should have left it at that.  The Nurse mentioned something about her butt being in the baby’s face, I just had to open my trap and I blurted out “Oh, that’s Ok she’s used to seeing Big Butt’s all day”.  The look of horror that passed across her face knocked me back into reality and I went back over what I had said.  Then I spent the next few minutes stumbling over my words trying to ‘fix’ things and ended up looking like an idiot.

Who doesn't love Apple Butter?

The Doctor came in and did his exam, of course I had to ask him some questions, wanting to know if there were some over the counter medications that I could take to prevent such things from happening.  I think I must have sprouted horns, because he couldn’t get out of there quick enough.  I’m thinking “Hey, didn’t I GIVE you a jar of Apple Butter last year, in lieu of a chicken?”  He tells me to make an appointment and we’ll discuss it.  I’m thinking “No way!  How can I show up naked in front of a man who has eaten my Apple Butter?”  That spells marriage to me, and I’m sure his wife would disapprove, besides one man in my life is too many! 

This is just the tip of the iceberg with my outbursts.  In case you haven’t noticed, my name ‘Sweetsusieg’ means something.  I have always been nice, never been one to be cruel, always think before talking.  Wore a button for years that said “Words Hurt”, I even bequeathed that ability to my second son, so proud have I been of this. 

My grand daughter’s father is a young man and in such he is inexperienced, I have always tried to be nice to him.  After all he is my daughter’s choice, so I have to try to get along.  The other day he did something that I would normally just talk to him about and instruct him to do it the correct way.  This time I could no longer take it, and I told him he was a “Frickin’ Idiot”, only I didn’t use the ’Frickin’ word.  And I proceeded to berate him for being stupid.  Where did this come from?  Have I been possessed?  No, it’s terminal Menopause, cause if I don’t quit someone is gonna kill me!

Hot Flashes

And what is it with these Hot Flashes?  They give you a pretty little picture of Hot Flashes, no one actually tells you what they are.  I will try to describe to the best of my ability what you should expect for Hot Flashes.  Imagine that you are laying in the sun, you skin is baking the temperature outside is around 110 degrees, with no wind blowing and no clouds overhead.  Now try with the your best imagination to turn that to the inside, the heat is on the inside and won’t come out.  You can fan yourself until you’re blue in the face, you won’t cool off until you cool off.  Sometimes it gets so hot others can feel the heat coming off of your skin.  It’s gotten so bad I can’t wear socks or shoes, I use my feet to control my inner temperatures and if I have things on my feet I get hot quicker.  In bed at night I just cover up with a sheet, then I sweat so I uncover, then I freeze, then I cover up and sweat, then once I get sweaty I uncover and freeze again.  This can’t be normal! 

My hair used to look so pretty, now it’s all snarly from sweating.  There’s no point in putting on make up, it will just run off.  I might as well just put the entire deodorant stick under my arm, cause just a few swipes don’t do much.  I’ve heard that it will take as long to go through Menopause as it did for you to start ‘womanhood’.  I was 15 for Christ sake!  If I have to go through this for 15 years, someone is gonna die.  Forget the gun, I’ve got a shovel and a bag of lime.

My Friend

Now to give you a few examples of my friends case of terminal Menopause/Tourettes. She has suffered for 11 years very serious back pain, having had several surgeries, even having an electric thingy implanted in her abdomen to block the pain. She likes Walmart to shop at, and it seems that every time she walks through those ‘detectors’ it gives her a zap, I swear one of these days she gonna pee her pants. (I just hope I’m there when that happens, so I can laugh) This of course can’t be a good feeling, so when she enters the store she’s been zapped and suffers terminal Menopause, she’s got 2 strikes against her. She goes to look for the courtesy carts, you know the electric kind with the basket in front. Without a doubt every time she needs one, they are all gone. She will undoubtedly see someone driving one around as she is trying to make it through the store. They’d better have a broken leg or something decidedly necessary or she is going to comment. One poor individual wasn’t so lucky, she happened to be a large woman, very large. My friend decided to let her know that “if she walked around the stores and put back the Twinkies, she might not need the cart and leave it open for those who do need it.”

She was in the Quickie Mart buying an extremely large frozen energy drink, hey she needs it alright! Don’t argue with me. As she is standing in line waiting her turn to pay, someone decides to step on her toes, mind you it’s illegal to be barefoot in most stores in our state. She needed to control her temperature as well, so she was wearing flip flops. She grunted and pulled out her foot the first time, when it happened the second time, she pushed the individual and told them to “stand on your own damn two feet, fat ass”.

As I’m writing this she wants to know if you all will hate her if she is mean to old people, when I said “I don’t know”, she thought about it for half a beat then replied “I don’t care”, here it is. Nothing irritates her more than standing behind a 900 year old woman poking and prodding every loaf of bread on the shelf until she finds the freshest loaf, which takes an hour. She wanted to hit her over the head with a stale loaf of bread. In a nursing home a while back some old person was staring at her, she looked at her and said “What the F**k are you looking at?”

She is a firm believer that stupid people should not be allowed to breed, her sister in law being the first. Her husband no longer has a first name, he is just now called “Dumbass”.
She suffers from Terminal Menopause/Tourette‘s, who is gonna argue with her.

They tell me I might need meds. Well OF COURSE I DO!

Terminal Menopause

She seems to be suffering a little worse than I am, I will assume that it has to do with her chronic back pain, that in itself is enough to make a person ‘cranky’.  Compound that with Hot Flashes and mood swings and you can see why the two of us should never travel together.

I have given my HubPages password to my daughter in the event that something untoward should happen to me, she can notify all of you that I have passed from 'Terminal Menopause'.

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Comments 26 comments

Merlin Fraser profile image

Merlin Fraser 6 years ago from Cotswold Hills

You know why it's called the Menopause don't you ?

I think it's because Mad Cow disease was already taken ! (He He !)

Loveslove profile image

Loveslove 6 years ago from England

Na..its called the Menopause cause during its exsistence us women PAUSE from MEN ...MEN O PAUSE..What do men know about it anyway !!

I sailed through it with the minimum discomfort,no hot flushes and very few night sweats,didn't need and KY jelly or the like and still dont..I bet a lot of women would like to be able to say the same.!!

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

Merlin - Are you making fun of a Menopausal women who owns a shovel and bag of lime?

Thanks for reading and commenting

Loveslove- My cousin did too, with only a few Hot flashes and that was about it, I was hoping that since we shared the same gene pool I might get the same treatment. Since it is only beginning for me, we'll only have to wait and see.

Thanks for reading and commenting

JillKostow profile image

JillKostow 6 years ago from Pennsylvania

I am a bit to young yet for menopause so with that I think I must have a sudden onset of Tourettes Syndrome, lol.. Tell your friend not to worry about being judged on her view of old people in the store, I myself get "road rage" or I should say "shopping rage" when someone is in front of me taking to long to choose or just pushing their cart a little to slow without making room for others to pass. I do not yell nasty things yet, but I do mummble or rant to myself slightly out loud. I know my mummbling and ranting can be heard by others because my fiancé is always mad at me for doing it to him all day. I guess I can just smile and tell him to wait for menopause and then we could really have "fun"!!! :)

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

Oh Jill, if you're havin' fun now, I bet you can't wait for Menopause! LOL You see, right now you have control over your voice, when you hit Menopause the control seems to fly right our the window!

I've always been so nice!! So for me to be mean is very foreign, I don't even seem to have any guilty feelings about it! Now, that is so totally ODD for me!!

Good Luck with your Tourette's! Thanks for reading and commenting!

lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 6 years ago from Bishop, Ca

Why didn't I think of this when I went through menopause? Jeeze, Sweetsusieg, I must thank you from the bottom of my heart for explaining such agony-mostly the agony of those around me at the time!

Tell your friend it's absolutely okay to beat those 900 year old women over the head with the bread loaves, and she is absolutely in the right to cuss out the fat a**s on the carts!!!

This is hysterical, and congrats on your 100 score!

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

LOL Lorlie6 - I'm sitting here chuckling at your comment. She will be glad to hear that she isn't just plain mean! She'd begun to think that something was wrong.

My family doesn't understand what is going on, I hope I was able to give a good description! At least from my point of view the 'inner fire' is the best that I could do.

Thanks on the congrats! I've been doing the pee-pee dance ever since I seen it!

Thanks for reading and commenting.

Dave Mathews profile image

Dave Mathews 6 years ago from NORTH YORK,ONTARIO,CANADA

Sounds like verbal terminal diarea to me. My wife suffers from it too. Best thing I can do is to not comment and just listen.

By the way men get this menopause crap too, only we don't manifest it like women do we just become deaf and a little irratable.

Brother Dave.

JillKostow profile image

JillKostow 6 years ago from Pennsylvania

hahahahahahaha, Dave Mathews comment sounds like someone (a male going through deafness and being irratable) I might know?!!!!??!! Sorry I just couldn't resist sharing my laughter with that one!!!!!!! lmao

drbj profile image

drbj 6 years ago from south Florida

susie - don't fret about Tourette.

It soon departs replaced by farts ...

... and belches and night sweats and incontinence.

Not to worry though, when the latter happens you will be so old you won't know it. Just wanted to cheer you up. And congrats on the 100. What took you so long? :)

lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 6 years ago from Bishop, Ca

And another thing, Sweetsusieg-I cuss out those cart-robbers myself since I have a very bad hip-replacement coming soon-and there they are, those horrid people riding around without a care in the world.

I lurch around the store with my dignity barely intact!

(I just may hijack one soon...) :)

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

Dave - your a good man, you know your place. LOL, (sorry I had to say that!)

Jill- Glad I could help bring a little laughter to your day!

drbj - Oh goody, now I can have the walkin farts, maybe I'll go deaf so I don't have to hear them?

thanks for the congrats on the 100 - I'm so excited about it, I may had to go and get some depends!

Lorlie6 - Maybe you and my friend could go shopping together? That way when you kick those people out of the carts, you two can have a race and run the 900 year old people standing in the bread aisle down!

Thank you all for reading and commenting!!

MPG Narratives profile image

MPG Narratives 6 years ago from Sydney, Australia

So funny although menopause isn't for some women. We really need to keep a sense of humour during this time of our lives. :( Thanks for making me laugh, sweetsusieg and really LOL!

Congrats on reach 100 so quickly too, well done. With writing like this I can see why.

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

Yes, this is true, for some women it really can be rougher than I'm portraying. I'm trying to make light of a bad situation. My other friend can't wait for Monday, she gets her Estrogen shot!

Thanks for the congrats! I know when I seen it I was so entirely excited!

Thanks for reading and commenting.

LillyGrillzit profile image

LillyGrillzit 6 years ago from The River Valley, Arkansas

I don't know the originator of this, but:

"What do you get when you cross PMS with GPS?" 'one Crazed b*&^ch that will track you down, And FIND YOU!"

That is Peri Menopausal Syndrome...

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

Oh My!! That is funny! I will have to share it with my friend, she is always arguing with 'GPiS' (apparently in her car it is no longer GPS, it has a name pronounced 'Geepus'.

Thanks for reading and commenting!

tasksgirl profile image

tasksgirl 6 years ago from Los Angeles, CA


Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

tasksgirl - glad you could get a laugh!

Thanks for reading and commenting!

Dave Mathews profile image

Dave Mathews 6 years ago from NORTH YORK,ONTARIO,CANADA

Sweetsusieg: Of course I know my place, and I found it without a compass too. Holy Spirit is a darn good guide.

Brother Dave.

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

Dave - really that was just a joke. I was having fun teasing you because you seem like the kind of person who doesn't mind a good joke, even if it's on you.

miss_jkim profile image

miss_jkim 6 years ago

Oh Sweetsusieg,

I am still holding my sides from laughter. I can so relate to your menopausal dilemmas. Not long ago I wrote my own hub about menopause, Help! I'm turning into a vampire.

It's good we can approach this time of "change" with humor. If we didn't, we would all be in prison for murder.

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

Thank you miss_jkim!

It's the thought of teaching basic sewing skills that keeps me out of those prisons! They'd have to put me in 'solitary confinement'...

I'll have to check out your Hub!

Thanks for reading and commenting!

cbmm24 profile image

cbmm24 6 years ago from Monroe, Mi

I love it Susie. Not there yet.. LOL But i am getting the mood Swings.. And I have been a little Crazy in the past few months. Won't go there you already know the story. LOL I could use the hot flashes cause it so frickin cold out. I'm tired of freezing..

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

It doesn't seem to work quite like that.. The hot flashes come when you are already hot... Something like that.. I have reverted back to my old self for a while now, since the baby got here.. We'll see how long that lasts!

Wooski 4 years ago

Hahaha excellent reading, really enjoyed it.

Some advise please dearest friend seems to be in do i tell her to get her ass to the doctors and sort it, without having to experience full force of tourettes lol???

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 4 years ago from Michigan Author

So glad you enjoyed it!!

Hmmm - advice on getting a friend to the Dr's???? Yes, well then... I remember when my Mom was going through her mood swings... We didn't dare mention Menopause or even her mood swings... It was all about denial, she refused to accept that we noticed anything wrong and would eat our faces off if we dared to mention it. Then one of her friends said "maybe you should try some St. John's Wort"... Then they got into discussing things about a good mood etc. and she finally caved. Maybe do a little internet search and see what homeopathic methods can be used.

Best of Luck to you!! I hope you get your friend back soon and life returns to normal for the both of you!!

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