Is it Menopause or Tourette's Syndrome?

My friend and I have had an ongoing discussion for the last year or so after we both discovered that our tongues have come loose.  We have realized that we cannot go out together often, we will certainly find ourselves in trouble if we do.  Menopause seems to be creeping up on us, or I suppose it could be sudden onset of Tourettes Syndrome.  Since neither one of us seem to suffer facial tics, although we both seem to suffer from our middle fingers flying up randomly, it has to be Menopause. 

We all know the signs and symptoms of ‘regular’ Menopause, but ours has to be more serious, maybe even terminal.  Regular Menopause is the cessation or irregularity of your menses, night sweats, hot flashes, mood changes, forgetfulness, breast tenderness, vaginal dryness etc…  Yeah, we get it.  What about us?  Those that are suffering the onset of Tourette’s?  It seems that what has irritated us in the past has become 10 X worse than it ever should be.  Things that would be a momentary irritation, has now become a central focus of our day.

You may wonder what I am referring to, let me explain;  When your mouth decides to suddenly open up and spew such foul stuff that even a sailor is embarrassed, that is terminal Menopause.  I mean we could probably get killed or shot with the stuff that comes out of our mouth, or at the very least arrested.  But it may be possible that the looks on our faces when we start spewing, could cause even the most devious of individuals to back off.  I think I have actually felt the steam coming out of my ears and I swear I saw some horns popping out of her head!

Today alone I suffered foot and mouth disease!  My daughter asked me to go the to OB-GYN with her, she is 7 months pregnant and has to go every 2 weeks now.  I really didn’t want to leave the comfort of my nightgown and don ‘real’ clothes.  I haven’t left the confines of my home for 4 days, what is one more day?  Now I know why.  We got to the Doctors office, my 10 month old Granddaughter was sitting in her stroller enjoying life.  The Nurse bent over in front of her and she being the baby she is, patted the Nurses behind.  We chuckled, I should have left it at that.  The Nurse mentioned something about her butt being in the baby’s face, I just had to open my trap and I blurted out “Oh, that’s Ok she’s used to seeing Big Butt’s all day”.  The look of horror that passed across her face knocked me back into reality and I went back over what I had said.  Then I spent the next few minutes stumbling over my words trying to ‘fix’ things and ended up looking like an idiot.

The Doctor came in and did his exam, of course I had to ask him some questions, wanting to know if there were some over the counter medications that I could take to prevent such things from happening.  I think I must have sprouted horns, because he couldn’t get out of there quick enough.  I’m thinking “Hey, didn’t I GIVE you a jar of Apple Butter last year, in lieu of a chicken?”  He tells me to make an appointment and we’ll discuss it.  I’m thinking “No way!  How can I show up naked in front of a man who has eaten my Apple Butter?”  That spells marriage to me, and I’m sure his wife would disapprove, besides one man in my life is too many! 

This is just the tip of the iceberg with my outbursts.  In case you haven’t noticed, my name ‘Sweetsusieg’ means something.  I have always been nice, never been one to be cruel, always think before talking.  Wore a button for years that said “Words Hurt”, I even bequeathed that ability to my second son, so proud have I been of this. 

My grand daughter’s father is a young man and in such he is inexperienced, I have always tried to be nice to him.  After all he is my daughter’s choice, so I have to try to get along.  The other day he did something that I would normally just talk to him about and instruct him to do it the correct way.  This time I could no longer take it, and I told him he was a “Frickin’ Idiot”, only I didn’t use the ’Frickin’ word.  And I proceeded to berate him for being stupid.  Where did this come from?  Have I been possessed?  No, it’s terminal Menopause, cause if I don’t quit someone is gonna kill me!

And what is it with these Hot Flashes?  They give you a pretty little picture of Hot Flashes, no one actually tells you what they are.  I will try to describe to the best of my ability what you should expect for Hot Flashes.  Imagine that you are laying in the sun, you skin is baking the temperature outside is around 110 degrees, with no wind blowing and no clouds overhead.  Now try with the your best imagination to turn that to the inside, the heat is on the inside and won’t come out.  You can fan yourself until you’re blue in the face, you won’t cool off until you cool off.  Sometimes it gets so hot others can feel the heat coming off of your skin.  It’s gotten so bad I can’t wear socks or shoes, I use my feet to control my inner temperatures and if I have things on my feet I get hot quicker.  In bed at night I just cover up with a sheet, then I sweat so I uncover, then I freeze, then I cover up and sweat, then once I get sweaty I uncover and freeze again.  This can’t be normal! 

My hair used to look so pretty, now it’s all snarly from sweating.  There’s no point in putting on make up, it will just run off.  I might as well just put the entire deodorant stick under my arm, cause just a few swipes don’t do much.  I’ve heard that it will take as long to go through Menopause as it did for you to start ‘womanhood’.  I was 15 for Christ sake!  If I have to go through this for 15 years, someone is gonna die.  Forget the gun, I’ve got a shovel and a bag of lime.

Now to give you a few examples of my friends case of terminal Menopause/Tourettes. She has suffered for 11 years very serious back pain, having had several surgeries, even having an electric thingy implanted in her abdomen to block the pain. She likes Walmart to shop at, and it seems that every time she walks through those ‘detectors’ it gives her a zap, I swear one of these days she gonna pee her pants. (I just hope I’m there when that happens, so I can laugh) This of course can’t be a good feeling, so when she enters the store she’s been zapped and suffers terminal Menopause, she’s got 2 strikes against her. She goes to look for the courtesy carts, you know the electric kind with the basket in front. Without a doubt every time she needs one, they are all gone. She will undoubtedly see someone driving one around as she is trying to make it through the store. They’d better have a broken leg or something decidedly necessary or she is going to comment. One poor individual wasn’t so lucky, she happened to be a large woman, very large. My friend decided to let her know that “if she walked around the stores and put back the Twinkies, she might not need the cart and leave it open for those who do need it.”

She was in the Quickie Mart buying an extremely large frozen energy drink, hey she needs it alright! Don’t argue with me. As she is standing in line waiting her turn to pay, someone decides to step on her toes, mind you it’s illegal to be barefoot in most stores in our state. She needed to control her temperature as well, so she was wearing flip flops. She grunted and pulled out her foot the first time, when it happened the second time, she pushed the individual and told them to “stand on your own damn two feet, fat ass”.

As I’m writing this she wants to know if you all will hate her if she is mean to old people, when I said “I don’t know”, she thought about it for half a beat then replied “I don’t care”, here it is. Nothing irritates her more than standing behind a 900 year old woman poking and prodding every loaf of bread on the shelf until she finds the freshest loaf, which takes an hour. She wanted to hit her over the head with a stale loaf of bread. In a nursing home a while back some old person was staring at her, she looked at her and said “What the F**k are you looking at?”

She is a firm believer that stupid people should not be allowed to breed, her sister in law being the first. Her husband no longer has a first name, he is just now called “Dumbass”.
She suffers from Terminal Menopause/Tourette‘s, who is gonna argue with her.

She seems to be suffering a little worse than I am, I will assume that it has to do with her chronic back pain, that in itself is enough to make a person ‘cranky’.  Compound that with Hot Flashes and mood swings and you can see why the two of us should never travel together.

I have given my HubPages password to my daughter in the event that something untoward should happen to me, she can notify all of you that I have passed from 'Terminal Menopause'.