The Vagina Diatribe

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By Wes J. Pimentel

This has gone on long enough. I don’t know who I need to talk to; the FCC, Congress, Oprah… but I’m fed up with hearing about vaginal issues from the mass media! Hopefully, I can keep my emotions restrained throughout this piece, but it’s going to be hard. Like devil’s advocates, vagina issue commercials hold a special place in my heart; a place I wish I could tear out using a rabid wolverine.

It used to be that [vagina] commercials were a rare novelty. They were subtle and hinting and we were able to make fun of stuff like “that not-so-fresh feeling” and so forth. Not so, anymore. On a daily basis I find myself dodging odors, itching, fungus, discharge and God knows what else.

Did I miss something? When did it become OK to discuss the behaviors and disorders of the vagina on T.V. and on the radio? I don’t remember voting. I heard Lucy and Ricky weren’t even allowed to say ‘pregnant’ back in the day. What happened to our collective innocence? When did we surrender our national modesty to the point where it’s OK to say “vaginal discharge” on the same medium that promotes toys and cartoons? I don’t remember getting the memo.

I know why I don’t remember approving this shit; because that approval never took place. They snuck it in on us. It all started with those original, harmless-sounding commercials of which we used to make fun. We giggled behind the ladies’ backs, like middle-schoolers pointing at a naked statue. Little did we know it was they who would have the last laugh.

While we were blindly accepting the first instances of this heinous marketing as good joke fodder, THEY were busy designing the next wave of these attacks on manhood. Now you can’t take two steps without tripping over a ring or a pill or a wipe or a pad or a cream or a “feminine” something! They’ve turned America into my grandmother’s room. Her room was always littered with pharmaceuticals, although not the type I’m discussing here, thank God!

I feel bogged down in a mire of malodorous discharge, infection and “flow”. If that last sentence turned your stomach, how do you think I feel? Sometimes I feel like the only one awake enough to notice this shit. I told one of my friends what I’m writing about and he asked, “What [vagina] commercials?” I felt like I was in an Alfred Hitchcock movie.

Now it seems like it’s too late to do anything about it. It’s everywhere! Bus posters, billboards, NASCAR sponsorships… I feel powerless. While you’re fending-off “heavy flow” in one direction, you got a urinary tract infection sneaking in your back door. How could there possibly be this many products for ONE body part?!

It’s ridiculous! From the information I get from advertisers, I can only come to one conclusion; the human vagina is the most dynamic body part in all of creation. Have you ever seen the supermarket section dedicated to this thing?! It’s like twice the size of the make-up section! If you could put all the vaginal products that have ever existed end-to-end, they would wrap around the entire solar system fifty-three times*! I guess that’s a testament to what all those corporate fat-cats think should be given the most attention on the female body – “You don’t have to be pretty, ladies, just don’t have funky junk.”

The incredible range of products intended for use in, on, for or near this thing is just jaw-dropping! They have stuff to make it wet, make it dry, stuff with vinegar, stuff to keep it from smelling like vinegar, stuff for the inside, stuff for the outside, stuff you take orally to make it do what you want,… Enough already!! I don’t mind having a hundred-million [vaginal] products on the market; I just don’t want to hear about it. These things seem to require more maintenance than race-cars. It’s like women need their own [vagina] pit-crews just to handle all of its needs. I can just hear ol’ Jeb and the boys with their deep southern accents like, “Yep, we’re gonna tweak the outside by shavin’ it down a little, then we’re gonna hit the inside with a little anti-corrosive. We’re gonna clean up the flaps, and we’ll finish ‘er off with a little lube. That oughtta do ‘er.”

Now, don’t get it twisted. This is not misogyny. I don’t hate women; I hate hearing about vaginal infections. Which brings me to my next point; How comfortable are you ladies with the mass media exposing all your dirty little secrets, anyway? I imagine you feel the same as when we see and hear commercials for products that promise to conquer masculine inadequacies. Ever notice how quiet most guys get when there’s a commercial about male “enhancement” or erectile dysfunction on TV? It’s because they immediately make us flashback to those horrible moments in our lives when we’ve felt inadequate; like that one time you couldn’t get it up, or when you saw that really huge penis in a[n adult] movie. If the feeling is at all similar, then I really feel for you ladies. You must feel like dirty, rotting cesspools of filth and infection half the time.

Well, don’t fret. I’m here to tell you, most guys want to smell and taste and see a real woman. You don’t have to jump through hoops to cover up the smells and tastes with which God designed you. When I explore a woman, I don’t need to feel like I’m in the produce section. Some women have strawberries and kiwis shooting out of their [nether regions], while their skin smells like vanilla with cucumber-melon lotion on top, lavender-peach hair, like damn! If I wanted to [seduce] a fruit I’d stick my [banana] in a watermelon. A freshly-showered woman (plain, old Ivory soap will do) is the most savory thing on the planet. Don’t let all those big companies tell you that you stink. You smell delicious.

Don’t get me wrong; if you’ve got some “issues” down there, by all means, handle them. I’m not opposed to women taking care of themselves. I just don’t want to be constantly bombarded by yeast and applicators and breakouts and irritations and…

*This figure is not based on actual scientific research. It was arbitrarily made up by the author to express his impression of the incredible proliferation of coochie stuff in the consumer marketplace.