The Vagina Diatribe

The Vagina Diatribe

THIS HUB HAS BEEN CENSORED BY HUB PAGES. Changes to the original content will be between brackets.

By Wes J. Pimentel

This has gone on long enough. I don’t know who I need to talk to; the FCC, Congress, Oprah… but I’m fed up with hearing about vaginal issues from the mass media! Hopefully, I can keep my emotions restrained throughout this piece, but it’s going to be hard. Like devil’s advocates, vagina issue commercials hold a special place in my heart; a place I wish I could tear out using a rabid wolverine.

It used to be that [vagina] commercials were a rare novelty. They were subtle and hinting and we were able to make fun of stuff like “that not-so-fresh feeling” and so forth. Not so, anymore. On a daily basis I find myself dodging odors, itching, fungus, discharge and God knows what else.

Did I miss something? When did it become OK to discuss the behaviors and disorders of the vagina on T.V. and on the radio? I don’t remember voting. I heard Lucy and Ricky weren’t even allowed to say ‘pregnant’ back in the day. What happened to our collective innocence? When did we surrender our national modesty to the point where it’s OK to say “vaginal discharge” on the same medium that promotes toys and cartoons? I don’t remember getting the memo.

I know why I don’t remember approving this shit; because that approval never took place. They snuck it in on us. It all started with those original, harmless-sounding commercials of which we used to make fun. We giggled behind the ladies’ backs, like middle-schoolers pointing at a naked statue. Little did we know it was they who would have the last laugh.

While we were blindly accepting the first instances of this heinous marketing as good joke fodder, THEY were busy designing the next wave of these attacks on manhood. Now you can’t take two steps without tripping over a ring or a pill or a wipe or a pad or a cream or a “feminine” something! They’ve turned America into my grandmother’s room. Her room was always littered with pharmaceuticals, although not the type I’m discussing here, thank God!

I feel bogged down in a mire of malodorous discharge, infection and “flow”. If that last sentence turned your stomach, how do you think I feel? Sometimes I feel like the only one awake enough to notice this shit. I told one of my friends what I’m writing about and he asked, “What [vagina] commercials?” I felt like I was in an Alfred Hitchcock movie.

Now it seems like it’s too late to do anything about it. It’s everywhere! Bus posters, billboards, NASCAR sponsorships… I feel powerless. While you’re fending-off “heavy flow” in one direction, you got a urinary tract infection sneaking in your back door. How could there possibly be this many products for ONE body part?!

It’s ridiculous! From the information I get from advertisers, I can only come to one conclusion; the human vagina is the most dynamic body part in all of creation. Have you ever seen the supermarket section dedicated to this thing?! It’s like twice the size of the make-up section! If you could put all the vaginal products that have ever existed end-to-end, they would wrap around the entire solar system fifty-three times*! I guess that’s a testament to what all those corporate fat-cats think should be given the most attention on the female body – “You don’t have to be pretty, ladies, just don’t have funky junk.”

The incredible range of products intended for use in, on, for or near this thing is just jaw-dropping! They have stuff to make it wet, make it dry, stuff with vinegar, stuff to keep it from smelling like vinegar, stuff for the inside, stuff for the outside, stuff you take orally to make it do what you want,… Enough already!! I don’t mind having a hundred-million [vaginal] products on the market; I just don’t want to hear about it. These things seem to require more maintenance than race-cars. It’s like women need their own [vagina] pit-crews just to handle all of its needs. I can just hear ol’ Jeb and the boys with their deep southern accents like, “Yep, we’re gonna tweak the outside by shavin’ it down a little, then we’re gonna hit the inside with a little anti-corrosive. We’re gonna clean up the flaps, and we’ll finish ‘er off with a little lube. That oughtta do ‘er.”

Now, don’t get it twisted. This is not misogyny. I don’t hate women; I hate hearing about vaginal infections. Which brings me to my next point; How comfortable are you ladies with the mass media exposing all your dirty little secrets, anyway? I imagine you feel the same as when we see and hear commercials for products that promise to conquer masculine inadequacies. Ever notice how quiet most guys get when there’s a commercial about male “enhancement” or erectile dysfunction on TV? It’s because they immediately make us flashback to those horrible moments in our lives when we’ve felt inadequate; like that one time you couldn’t get it up, or when you saw that really huge penis in a[n adult] movie. If the feeling is at all similar, then I really feel for you ladies. You must feel like dirty, rotting cesspools of filth and infection half the time.

Well, don’t fret. I’m here to tell you, most guys want to smell and taste and see a real woman. You don’t have to jump through hoops to cover up the smells and tastes with which God designed you. When I explore a woman, I don’t need to feel like I’m in the produce section. Some women have strawberries and kiwis shooting out of their [nether regions], while their skin smells like vanilla with cucumber-melon lotion on top, lavender-peach hair, like damn! If I wanted to [seduce] a fruit I’d stick my [banana] in a watermelon. A freshly-showered woman (plain, old Ivory soap will do) is the most savory thing on the planet. Don’t let all those big companies tell you that you stink. You smell delicious.

Don’t get me wrong; if you’ve got some “issues” down there, by all means, handle them. I’m not opposed to women taking care of themselves. I just don’t want to be constantly bombarded by yeast and applicators and breakouts and irritations and…

*This figure is not based on actual scientific research. It was arbitrarily made up by the author to express his impression of the incredible proliferation of coochie stuff in the consumer marketplace.

More by this Author

  • My Dad's a Homo
    68

    This is a picture of my father, Robert, holding my daughter, Fauna. By Wes J. Pimentel My father is gay. This is the story of how I found out and the emotions I felt at the time and have felt since. I will then share...


Comments 22 comments

Cris A profile image

Cris A 7 years ago from Manila, Philippines

well nice rant, er diatribe here. one observation, men's issues are usually inadequacies as opposed to women's issues which are usually care and hygiene. and there's a lot of difference between the two when it comes to "tastefulness". though there must be a reason behind vaginal care products' predominance in mass media. hmmm that makes me think.

catchy pic by the way :D


Proud Mom profile image

Proud Mom 7 years ago from USA

The picture goes along with the one in the hub about the phone book. It takes just a minute to figure out what you're REALLY looking at!

Now, I have to tell you--there's alot of truth to this hub. But when the kids decided they might need to call 911 because mom is laughing so hard she's turning blue, I knew you had the magic to address this stuff with and without tact at the same time.

I'll never be able to go down that aisle again without laughing. Then I'll have to explain to all the other women desperately searching the massive place for the right product, why in the heck I'm laughing so hard I that someone hands me a package of Depends! Perhaps I should just carry around cards with this link printed on them, then hand them out as I stroll through.

I'm so glad you got this thing back up!


Schwag profile image

Schwag 7 years ago from Clarksville, TN Author

Cris A - Thanks again for checking out my stuff and your comment. Also, thanks for all the referrals and traffic.

Mom - Wonderful comment! I like peoples' reactions to my work to fall just short of death. I didn't quite get the part of your comment about a phone book? Thanks for expressing appreciation for the return of the "VD" as I like to call it. I'm glad I changed your vaginal aisle experience forever.

I JUST NOTICED SOMETHING!! I have defeated myself! NOOOooooOOooOO! If you look at the ads run on this page you'll notice they're all about vaginal products and issues. Yeast Infection pictures!?!?!? Are you effing serious? Damn you Google!!


maven101 profile image

maven101 7 years ago from Northern Arizona

You know, I never really thought much about vaginal discourse...you seem to have made an issue out of something that strikes me as extremely personal and better discussed by those concerned...ie: husband and wife, lovers, and the curious...count me amongst the curious...I don't have any problems " down there " that would equate with the seemingly inadequencies that you think most men feel...Viagra commercials not withstanding ( sorry for the crude pun )...After 45 years of marriage I can honestly say I never knew when my wife was in her period...somehow we muddled through all those years, with a vigorous sex life, and never had a problem....Great Hub, very interesting from a man's viewpoint....


Schwag profile image

Schwag 7 years ago from Clarksville, TN Author

maven101 - You wrote "vaginal discourse," did you mean "vaginal discharge?" Anyway, I couldn't agree more. I think these things should be kept private; things like people's sex lives and "personal" problems should not be so mercilessly overplayed. I wrote a piece about that. It's called... oh wait, it's this one.

Now that you've offered-up your own sex life for public consumption, I'd like to congratulate you on your incredibly healthy sex-drive and your complete lack of feelings of inadequacy. I'm sure it brings us all comfort to know that you're a real stallion in bed and are satisfying the Mrs on a regular basis. GIve 'er a high five for me!


Schwag profile image

Schwag 7 years ago from Clarksville, TN Author

Merry Christmas. Watch out for Rudolph the Red Rain Nosedeer!


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 7 years ago from Central Texas

PM is talking about my phonebook hub. It has a video and it's hard to tell what the video is the way the stillshot is. Go take a look. We were having a laugh over it this weekend.


Schwag profile image

Schwag 7 years ago from Clarksville, TN Author

KCC - Got it. I'll check it out. Thanks for stopping by.


Great finds profile image

Great finds 7 years ago from All around, but live in new york

..hahaha

Nice pic :P


SweetiePie profile image

SweetiePie 7 years ago from Southern California, USA

The funny part is do people really need all those products? Probably not lol. However, those commercials have become so explicit and make people think they really need these products, whereas proper hygiene is a much better technique. Very funny hub.


Schwag profile image

Schwag 7 years ago from Clarksville, TN Author

GF - Thanks.

SweetiePie - Thanks. I agree. And again, it's not the amount or the use of the products, it's the commercials spelling out the gory details.


Andromeda10 profile image

Andromeda10 7 years ago from Chicago

With this, how about getting rid of Viagra, Extenze (and have you seen the new penis pump one? complete with "FDA disclaimers") Vibe talk line and e-harmony?

All of these represent things I don't want to hear about. I don't want to think that people are falling in love online. That's cheap! Go out there and do the leg work! There are so many great people to meet and fall in love with.

I could go on and on about these examples but will leave it at "Nice Hub!"


Schwag profile image

Schwag 7 years ago from Clarksville, TN Author

Andromeda10 - I love it! Please do, go on and on. I love nothing more than to spark off a good discussion. About the "male-enhancement" products - I KNOW! What's up with the way that chick says "that special part of the male anatomy..." like she wants to go down on me? About the online dating thing, I cannot agree. Like you said, there are many people to meet, why would you limit yourself to those who live in your community. Not just that, online people are still people. We're online right now, discussing literature. Does the fact that we're not in person invalidate the exchange? I think not. Your thoughts?


Lwelch profile image

Lwelch 7 years ago from USA

But wait, Vagisil told me that "Things are better when you can talk about them with friends--even painful burning feminine itch." So.... shouldn't we talk about it?


Schwag profile image

Schwag 7 years ago from Clarksville, TN Author

Lwelch - Absolutely not. I staunchly disagree with Vagisil. I challenge the notion. I can think of nothing that is improved with such a discussion. I think a gag order on such discussions would be appropriate.


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 7 years ago from Oklahoma

LMAO. I agree. I don't understand these stupid commercials, I mean I do but why do we need to promote these things. If you are in need of the product then you will buy it. I don't think I would go out and buy something I didn't need just because I heard the commercial for it. I get really annoyed by the Smiling Bob commercials, I don't remeber what product they are promoting, something to do with male enhancemant, they are so loud. I always mute them.


Schwag profile image

Schwag 7 years ago from Clarksville, TN Author

gwendymom - I hear you, sister. Like you'd just go out and buy some coochie stuff because you saw it on TV. Like, "Well, you never can be TOO fresh..."


raff 7 years ago

fav paragraph:

Well, don’t fret. I’m here to tell you, most guys want to smell and taste and see a real woman...snip...If I wanted to [seduce] a fruit I’d stick my [banana] in a watermelon....]

you are too much. but is it awkward that i get uncomfortable when the ED commercials air? Could you imagine bringing that subject up to your partner? "um....honey...I think your length could be improved...what do you say?" no no, none of that. And furthermore, if you wash your shit...it shouldn't smell under normal circumstances (minus physical exertion and post intercourse)...am I right?


wsp2469 profile image

wsp2469 7 years ago from Alta Loma, Ca

Hey!

I was born on Oahu!

It's nice to meet someone ELSE who has been censored!

It's nice to know I'm in good company!

We really should start a club!


Jrene 6 years ago

Yes these commercials are atrocities but what about the valtrex commercials? Those are the ones that make my stomach curl. Corporate America has us so brainwashed about what products we need or don't need. We didn't have douches or creams or any of that years ago. It is something we have conditioned our bodies to need. Take Lotion for example, :D since I'm allergic.

Some people have a genuine problem of dry skin. But how many of those people make up the lotion consumers? If you condition your body to lotion on yourself constantly and you take it away of course you are going to have dry skin. Take me I never use lotion, but I have some of the softest skin out there.

Your body has certain levels that need to be balanced. By adding in all these products we don't need we disrupt that balance.

Granted tampons are needed, however I knew just how to find the perfect tampon without any commercials or outside help. And no one else even needs to know which products are needed or when.

Media is desensitizing us because they need us to remember their product by whatever means. They play on our insecurities.

A man may be awesome in bed until he hears his friend bragging about his sex life. Now he begins to question whether he is really up to par. Lo and behold a commercial comes on telling him that "nope you are not as happy as you could be if you were taking this"

I could really go on and on and on but I won't. You point out a few things that I hate with the main stream of thinking.


trusouldj profile image

trusouldj 3 years ago from Indiana

Amazing hub.


Schwag profile image

Schwag 3 years ago from Clarksville, TN Author

Thanks, T.

    Sign in or sign up and post using a HubPages Network account.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.


    Click to Rate This Article
    working